Poll Do You Re-create Your Trauma?

[Weemie]

have either one or both of you guys (or anyone that wants to answer these) ever had the 'want to' to stop any of the listed things you do

Yeah. These are responses from a place of twisted development. I am at a place in my life now where I would like to heal, and engage with the world healthily. I have never really found coping mechanisms to be effective, because that is all they are. Coping, forcing, stifling. You can't cope this stuff away. You have to fight the source. Get to the core. Accept.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So stopping basically has to be forced on me. In my head, once I'm in, I belong to them in every sense of the word. I'm not allowed to walk away.

I get that. Its the same, in your head, as "back then". Sort of the way a flashback works...your head thinks you are there.

Im so glad your now therapist hospitalizes you! Glad that he watches out for your saftey and also glad he doesnt threaten to leave. I get why the other one did but it sounds like you have a more equiped therapist now and thats good.

I get why you said this (forgot to say it orginally) but I just have to say:

I don't masturbate, let alone go in for genital mutilation stuff unless instructed to. Ever. Because that part of my body doesn't belong to me.

Im glad you dont hurt yourself down there but your gentials are yours. No one but you owns them, no one has a right to hurt them, and you have a right to give yourself pleasure (if you want to). But i just had to say that. Though "them" should be "it" but you know what I mean.

I get, though, how it is in your head as I feel the same way at time...but had to say that.

Though I will say (I think because of lack of control back then), my "excuse" if you will for hurting myself down there is "its mine and i'll do what I want to with it"...or at least thats what i said to my therapist when he first learned i did that. So i cant say i always feel it belongs to someone else but it does when i seek ouf the guys that will hurt me sexually. .so i do get that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You can't cope this stuff away. You have to fight the source. Get to the core. Accept.

I agree with that. I suppose it depends on what it is and why you do it. Like my "punishments" are re-acting my trauma (cutting myself in my gential area) but its done because of something i did "bad" or wrong. So if I can replace that with something more constructive I can do instead.

I dont know, you are right that they arent maladtive coping skills so you cant stop with better coping skills. Like my example i would have to figure out how to not see myself as "bad" or how to allow for human error.

I will say though, I posted likely the most embarrasing and easy to judge ritual on here and someone did tell me "try this instead" and it worked so we can gain specific advise on here.

Either way, I do want anyone that feels they can come foward to feel supported and understood.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I was sitting here wondering if anyone had any good (that works) distraction ideas that say one could use to distract the urge to go out seeking sexual sadist or sexual harm or to stand on a bridge or to seek bad people or really anything that re-creates trauma?

We do it to feel safe or in our "comfort zone" and I know the more you push at that comfort zone the more it will move and doing it again is ok as there will be always the want to run to the comfort zone (or how my therapist explains it) but then I was thinking of the long list of distraction of bad thoughts in my DBT workbook. They range from watching tv to cleaning to driving (not a good idea as i wont do it safely), to masturbation (not a good idea if you are seeking sexual harm) but ive tried some of the other things like watching tv and reading a book and im just delaying it, thoughts are on it and i cant concentrate on the tv or book and it just drives me nuts. Same with cleaning. Work works but im looking for things when not working.

Ive tried most on the list that i can physically do and they just dont work for me. Or havent yet anyway. I dont know if im not trying hard enough or long enough or what but they arent seeming to work.

Anyone have any great distraction ideas that has worked for them that has distracted re-creating trauma or even bad peraistant intrusive thoughts as I think you can interchange the distration ideas?

Just something I was thinking about.

 

[Sideways]

I think distraction is definitely key, but there are times when you have to stop moving. What do you do then?

Part of my distraction has to involve things that are going to increase my self-esteem and build some meaning or purpose into my life - making my life about things other than trauma, and ptsd and recovery. Things that I perceive have value and a future in them. That helps me decrease the feeling that I need to do it at all.

But when I'm hit by the thoughts, and it's just me v's "the urge", I actually deal with it pretty much head on. I remind myself "You want to, but you can't. You just can't". And then I let the thoughts pass - which they will if you don't actively engage them. It's not always quick, but if you make the decision to not ruminate on those thoughts, as enticing as they are, they will eventually pass. And every time that happens, that's a win.

For me, the power of the statement "I want to, but I just can't" comes from knowing that this isn't like scratching a mozzie bite. Every time I do this, every single time, every hit no matter how small - I'm making myself sicker. I'm making my recovery longer and harder. And if I get into it, and I don't get out, I'll stay sick.

I work too hard at getting better to throw it away like that, on an urge, no matter how compelling. I'm not going to make my recovery harder. It's hard enough. So I remind myself "You just can't", and I let the thoughts pass. Over and over and over again. As hard as that is, with my self harm, I know it's easier than recovering from the damage my self harm will do.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but there are times when you have to stop moving. What do you do then?

What do you mean moving? Maybe im having a dense moment?

Part of my distraction has to involve things that are going to increase my self-esteem and build some meaning or purpose into my life - making my life about things other than trauma, and ptsd and recovery. Things that I perceive have value and a future in them. That helps me decrease the feeling that I need to do it at all.

Other than the head on statements, can you give an example of distration that give your life meaning? Like volunteering, helping people or like go to a park and look at nature?

ETA: Any idea of what one can do to distract and give their life meaning but cant do much physically and have chronic pain? Thats why i stopped voluteering. I love the idea of not just distracting but adding meaning to your life but im sort of at a loss of how to do that without having to do anything physical.

"You want to, but you can't. You just can't". And then I let the thoughts pass

Ive said a simular statement but my issue is the thoughts dont pass. I have the same issue with noticing bad feelings, identifying them, and let them pass which is in my PTSD sourcebook but what I still cant do is let them pass. They dont go anywhere. If im holding them there im certianly not meaning to and its unknown how im doing it if i am.

I love the statement (which im gonna start using ASAP) but any idea how to let it pass or move it on, make it move and pass?

 

[Stickler]

Okaaaay...
I have had a lot of sex with a lot of people. It is *probably*, in part, related to the abuse.
But what if it isn't?
I LIKE having a lot of sex, though I am getting way pickier about what type of sex I have and who I have it with.
( I ghosted on a guy I fooled around with recently because...the sex was bland. Not bad, per se, just boring. Hopefully, he'll find someone else who thinks he's good at it.)
Now, compulsivity did wind up with me in bed with jerks.
Re-enactment compulsion was probably responsible for my shitty marriage.
http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/
But... The abuse is part of who I am.
So, what do I do with that?
What constitutes healthy?

I came out as queer in 92', so I'm used to rejecting society's judgement on things.
So I go with what works...until it doesn't.
Like any adult.

(On another board I used to frequent, a poster showed up...he believed that everyone in the world except himself had been handed a collection of wisdom called " Standard Knowledge.".
Thus everyone else knew what they were doing.
I kept trying to tell him...nope, we're all just muddling through.
A rather horrible delusion, poor guy...
...I don't have Standard Knowledge.
You don't either.)

Self injury sucks. It increases dissociation and inhibits progress.

I think self-injury by proxy might be what I'm doing...but what I am TRYING to do is to actually re-enact and DEFUSE trauma through sadomasochism.
...I will keep my mind open on things.
It goes without saying that I enjoy the intensity of it immensely.

 

[Weemie]

Sticka, I think as long as it's SSC/RACK (on both partners' side) it's perfectly acceptable. It doesn't have to be loving missionary through a hole in the sheet to be "objectively healthy."

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I came out as queer in 92

I jumped when I read that. I dislike that word as its usually used to hurt as like racisim words are used. Gay or homesexual/Lesbian/Bisexual/Pansexual (I dont get the difference in pansexual and bisexual but anyway.

I see you (or at least thought of you) as bisexual as you've spoken of sex with a woman (I believe you said wife but unsure) and then this guy overseas.

Either way is cool and I dont judge and I see you are you and you are awesome no matter what your sexual preferences are!

http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/

I read half of this and my brain started to wander & eyes started to cross lol. But from what I read and understood, Im seeing that its all normal to re-create trauma (i didnt quite get the why) but I did read where it said men tend to re-victimize others where women tend to re-victimize themselves. So that means (per the site) that men are more likely to be abusers later in life. I dont know about the gender thing.

I think self-injury by proxy might be what I'm doing...but what I am TRYING to do is to actually re-enact and DEFUSE trauma through sadomasochism.

Maybe. I mean you have the S&M that is normal and people actually enjoy that and then you have the traumatize people that do the S&M due to their pasts and dont really enjoy it per sey.

I dont seek S&M really as there are parts of my past that I cant re-enact. I cant be tied/chained down, I cant be choked, I cant be held down and/or held against anything just to name a few. Im just after the pain and as much pain as possible in my gential area. I'll freak if you do one of the other stuff.

It doesn't have to be loving missionary through a hole in the sheet to be "objectively healthy."

I agree with that. I think it matters why. So if the why is you like it, cool, if the why is because it was done to me in the past then its possible its re-enacting trauma, in my opinion.

 

[Weemie]

I think that some level of trauma reenactment is healthy. It's a way for us to explore what happened in a relatively "safe" or controlled environment (inasmuch as it can be). There are lots of very useful and worthwile assets to BDSM. One of which is the delineation of limits, which allows you to practice saying no and negotiating boundaries.

Of course, seeking out people deliberately who disregard these limits--again, that signifies a less healthy expression. At the end of the day, it gets to unhealthy levels when you actively put your safety at risk. BDSM is like anything else. Varying degrees of severity (acts), competence (safety), connection (emotions), etc. SSC (safe, sane, consensual) and RACK (risk-aware consensual kink) are pretty broad, top-tier definitions that I tend to go by when determining if something is reaching that tipping point.

Defining BDSM as merely trauma reenactment invalidates kink in general as a negative Other that can only be accessed from a place of twisted development. There are many normal, chill people who like getting tied up and spanked (or tying up and spanking) once in a while. It's all about headspace and insight.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Defining BDSM as merely trauma reenactment invalidates kink in general as a negative Other that can only be accessed from a place of twisted development. There are many normal, chill people who like getting tied up and spanked (or tying up and spanking) once in a while. It's all about headspace and insight.

Oh, I totally get that. There's absolutly "normal" every day people that enjoy BDSM and thats ok. To each their own.

SSC (safe, sane, consensual) and RACK (risk-aware consensual kink) are pretty broad, top-tier definitions that I tend to go by when determining if something is reaching that tipping point.

I was wondering what those stood for. Will have to whip out google if these are 'things' for a good defintion but so as long as both sides are ok with it and like you said here:

saying no and negotiating boundaries.

As long as its in an enviroment where no is respected then I dont see much of an issue with BDSM. And I can see it teaching you how to say no and put up boundries. What about before you can do that though?

I guess I could ask, also, if you were traumatized, are you re-enacting it and even if so, is this a preference that you like.

I suppose I put the word "like" in there because of my re-enactments. I gain pleasure from the pain but at the end of the day, I dont like it or doing it. So there has to be some gage that says, if you feel like that when its all over, its not healthy.

Just from my experiences, what I seek and how I feel after and some long but very uncomfortable conversations with my therapist. What Im doing isnt in any way healthy and i feel horrible afterwards so I think there needs to be that internal gage where if you are feeling that way, theres something up with it. You know?

 

[Weemie]

Just from my experiences, what I seek and how I feel

For sure. 100%. If you feel "dirty" and "gross" and "wrong" (guilty) afterwards, then I absolutely think that you're hitting that internal gauge where you're seeking damage over mastery and integration. And that's such a huge concept, that is so very subjective and individual, it's very hard to properly define it from the outside. Another good reason to open this dialogue. :woot: