When I ask her or my older sister, they say they don't know or remember, so I don't want to keep asking. I just feel that I'd be able to get better validation if I knew someone else remembered and experienced similar, otherwise it's too easy to keep denying. I honestly feel like my mother must know more, but that she wants to protect me, which I guess is more than fair. I won't heal myself if I don't believe myself entirely.
That last bit sounds on target (that's a good thing!). This is true suffering, and I've experienced similar disconnects, but I'd still like to provide a small voice for the other camp, which is: their memories might differ, too. I've had many chances to see how drastically memory can change with time, and it becomes a story or recollection, and changes from bit to bit, over many years. Exception might be a flashback - but some of my flashbacks are to childhood nightmares, which makes it a little more difficult to separate events from imaginings.
I can only imagine that my parents were eager to push it from their minds, seeing a pretty happy kid growing up. My sibling, well, I don't know if he has told me everything he remembered. But I know he had forgotten some things, also. Memory is so intrinsically linked with PTSD, but can be tenuous, especially when so fraught with emotion. Anyone with kids.. would you want to remember that? Or would you rather think something minor and poorly expressed, and if your preschool kid forgets and goes on, to all appearances quite happily, and away from the whole thing? So I think I understand why, for everyone surrounding this trauma in my family - memories are so hazy. No one wants to think about it and talking about it is miles worse.
I dwelt for a number of years thinking I was making up bad stories about a sibling that I loved.... I was eventually able to bring it to my family and get an explanation of sorts. But it's things I don't remember that still haunt me. One thing I very much wish I remembered is "telling". I remember following instructions, being confused and unhappy, but I didn't know I told anyone --it makes me feel better that I told, because it means I was protecting myself. I'd like to think it would help more if I could only remember that... but after some experience I realize that it wouldn't matter anyway, not at this point. Not so many years later. I've found out there is PLENTY to remember. More than enough to obsess over without continuing to obsess about the motives/motivations of others in an absurdly stressful time/set of events.
Parents thought it happened once, until I was brave enough to talk about my PTSD symptoms. Sibling, while not nearly as young as me, was still young enough for even a positive memory to be hazy, let alone this, which I can only imagine he wanted to purge from himself in some way. He told me things like approximately how many times it might have been. Other small bits. And I won't deny it - it served as some comfort to know I wasn't imagining the whole thing.
I have been told that my parents "put a stop to it" as soon as I said word one. I believe they thought it was only the one time. I was too little to remember - in fact, everyone forgot about it entirely until I brought it up during my teens. It's plausible. Parents will forget the most awful things to protect their own minds, too. I think it was too awful for them. They were afraid to ask for help for fear that both of their children be taken away, or the family broken up in some fashion....and I think they did the right thing in an almost impossible situation.
I was lucky enough to get confirmation and some details...but not everything, not by a long shot. It's blurry for everyone. I did get a certain amount of that confirmation/validation... but even if you did have that, you'd still have to deal. For me, it feels like a whole lot of hope that there's going to be some magic words, that would help understand horrible experience(s),..or a simple explanation that will resolve things. I've found that it's very tempting to think this way... and been disappointed more often than I care to count. There have been plenty of times i haven't been able to take that step back, to go past the little details... but I have this feeling that a certain detail might just do it. Something to save me. Stepping back.... I try not to fool myself.
I've got to work with what I've got and not count on others to provide it for me. I'm sorry I don't have a magic answer for you, either.... I spent a long time feeling the same way, and sometimes I still do. But some disconnects / transitions are healthy, I now try to convince myself. Knowing every detail is not going to cure me, and that's how I deal with the fact that I may never hear truly reliable accounts from others.
Sorry for long and rambling answer.
