Brandy Almendarez
New Here
The best way ive tried to describe it .Is looking back at a memory or picture of your self and feeling as if its not you.
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Childhood Does Anyone Else Have Intense Anger?
- Post starter Stills
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Freedomfighter
Diamond Member
Agreed, of course there is no way that a victim could ever shake those memories and of course such memories make us ill, all over again.
That is exactly what makes the lies of a predator unconvincing. A predator can attempt to lie all he or she wants but the victim has exactly every memory seared in their mind. There is nothing a predator can do to change that.
There are many similarities that I have noticed that predators have:
1. They think they are actually good people ( I think they get up every morning and lie to themselves in the mirror that they are a good person)
2. They will abuse whoever they get in contact with, they will do that to people that help them get the predator to their intended victim too
3. They will attempt to sneak into a victim's life over and over again.
4. They think that their lies and distortion of a real crime will help them to escape justice.
Nope, not happening, for the victim knows exactly what happened. After all the crimes gave the victim PTSD and a victim will never forget the truth.
Heather
Diamond Member
Intense anger...oh yeah. Yep. Yes.
Bowierocks
New Here
It's ironic but just thinking about this today . I suffered daily violence at the hands of a much older brother and ultimately sexual abuse / rape . . I was seen recently by this so called famous shrink ( narcissistic, effete , add your own pejorative ) at the Gabbard Center . After three days of exhaustively going through my whole history of trauma , there response was stop playing the victim , or he made the stupid analogy to not look back in the rear view mirror . Not a lot of empathy and one psychiatrist had the gall to think maybe my memory is false .( My perpetrator admits to the sexual abuse and violence ) .. Dr Gabbard did express some sympathy for how my parents died , one of paralysis ( ALS) and one of an attack by a marine animal that made national news , but despite ' earning ' the diagnosis of PTSD , basically the whole traumatic childhood was pushed under the rug . I was accused of being obsessed with it- I just remembered after 37 years of basically burying it .. ...
... This is a bit graphic ::::::::::
I mean I wanted to tell the guy that lets have a guy who is twice your size chase you around your house with a steak knife and no one will listen to you so you go through this and other random acts of violence for a decade . Then suddenly the violence will ' stop ' , he will get nice to you , and you will ' agree ' to him rapimg you as you had no idea what he was talking about .... Then , you can see me , and I will smile and maybe try to tell you it didn't happen , or well , stop thinking about it . In fact , you are just trying to get someone's sympathy . Talk about blame the victim ... I wish I could put the guy in a Twillight Zone episode where he is the victim and then he will pop out of it and I will tell him -' stay in the here and now ' , smiling in a designer suit . Yes I am plenty pissed . I lift weights and listen to punk rock and have revenge fantasies like the one I just wrote , but I am non-violent .. ..
Gs172003
Diamond Member
Wow. That. Sucks. I'm sorry!
Bowierocks
New Here
Ah today is going okay . .to be honest ,the anger is getting less md less everyday . It's too exhausting and it's not me at all . . I told my brother ,who is afraid of me despite being bigger ,that violence is his way and I give him back the shame . . The shrinks ,well they are just inept and don't know it but are considered the cream of the crop .
Skylar OGrady
New Here
You are not alone. I thought I was, it's been happening for so long I feel crazy trying to convince myself something happened.
Bowierocks
New Here
Yes that is exactly how I feel,like I made it up or it couldn't be me . I don't fit the profile of the 'abused' but in reality there is none . .in a way it's like dissociation or a movie .
Bowierocks
New Here
I hate that those that witness my anger are those that are close to me . I say to myself everyday - no more ,but it comes back .
I don't have "intensive anger" as such, but I do tend to be very short tempered, and can fly off the handle at the slightest thing, but then I can calm down just as quick.
It comes with my mood swings, which I can't control, and I find that very frustrating to cope with? The worst mood I get, and find the hardest to come out of, is the depressive mood, that one tends to last the longest, and is almost impossible to shake off?
It comes with my mood swings, which I can't control, and I find that very frustrating to cope with? The worst mood I get, and find the hardest to come out of, is the depressive mood, that one tends to last the longest, and is almost impossible to shake off?
If someone were asked from the past if they'd ever considered me an angry person their response? Absolutely not. Because of the disassociation I don't see the "me" in the past, that's someone else.
Now I am angry, but more of a deeper anger that can take potentially days to come out from. Stupid shit bothers "us" like shutting the car door but it didn't close tight so the overwhelming annoyance starts to build because why? The angry person inside me starts telling the rest they deserve every annoying thing that happens. The younger person in me questions why everything has to be so difficult. Another example: someone can be walking behind me at the store and I start getting super anxious thinking their following me. Then I wonder which part of me did the bad thing that would trigger someone to recognize me and follow me. Its about at that point I get the hell out.
I hate this. I do the same thing as another person mentioned, I rage mostly at home. My husband provokes me although at times I wonder if I'm in my head so much that just merely having to stop and try to pay attention now to his voice and potentially 3 others in my head and follow the stories. He is very invalidating and my T and I talk about ways to desculate so the rage doesn't get high. So I try so hard to remember but someone else comes to the surface. She tells him she needs a break, to talk later but he refuses the honor request. Its then I start feeling sensations in my body. I hear screaming in my head, loud screaming and envisioning at that point destruction. My fingers curl into my hand making white knuckle fists. My jaw is locked tight. And words go out from my mouth that no recall of thinking beforehand. This phase scares the living shit out of me. I don't recall this part because its as if I'm in a ragefull blackout. Things get thrown, walls are punched and then, I'm hiding in a corner covering my face shaking. Boom, over. Now is the shame, guilt, sorrow, SH urges, suicidal ideation and extremely depressed thought process. I've apologized every time promising it wouldn't happen again, but it continues. Not always at my husband either.
This concept or emotion of anger is both familiar yet so foreign and scary. My father was a very angry person growing up. The slightest things would set him off. I was scared of my father, all the time. I wasn't from a fun loving family. Sure we went camping and had fun, it always was at a cost. Inevitably someone or thing set him off and now the dynamics are tense. I wished he'd never take the same vacations as us or go to school events. The one precious half hour from getting off the bus to the time he pulled in the driveway was enough looking back. Family members knew of his true demoner and no one can convince us otherwise, teachers had to of known too. But, no one said anything. Ever. Not even my mom. Who witnessed all of it giving me this guilty sorrow look only to create large pools of water in my eyes. I found myself silently crying as I took whatever was facing me. Anger is a very scary emotion for me right now. Perhaps my brain needs to be retrained. Sorry for the long post. My minds took over for a bit..
Now I am angry, but more of a deeper anger that can take potentially days to come out from. Stupid shit bothers "us" like shutting the car door but it didn't close tight so the overwhelming annoyance starts to build because why? The angry person inside me starts telling the rest they deserve every annoying thing that happens. The younger person in me questions why everything has to be so difficult. Another example: someone can be walking behind me at the store and I start getting super anxious thinking their following me. Then I wonder which part of me did the bad thing that would trigger someone to recognize me and follow me. Its about at that point I get the hell out.
I hate this. I do the same thing as another person mentioned, I rage mostly at home. My husband provokes me although at times I wonder if I'm in my head so much that just merely having to stop and try to pay attention now to his voice and potentially 3 others in my head and follow the stories. He is very invalidating and my T and I talk about ways to desculate so the rage doesn't get high. So I try so hard to remember but someone else comes to the surface. She tells him she needs a break, to talk later but he refuses the honor request. Its then I start feeling sensations in my body. I hear screaming in my head, loud screaming and envisioning at that point destruction. My fingers curl into my hand making white knuckle fists. My jaw is locked tight. And words go out from my mouth that no recall of thinking beforehand. This phase scares the living shit out of me. I don't recall this part because its as if I'm in a ragefull blackout. Things get thrown, walls are punched and then, I'm hiding in a corner covering my face shaking. Boom, over. Now is the shame, guilt, sorrow, SH urges, suicidal ideation and extremely depressed thought process. I've apologized every time promising it wouldn't happen again, but it continues. Not always at my husband either.
This concept or emotion of anger is both familiar yet so foreign and scary. My father was a very angry person growing up. The slightest things would set him off. I was scared of my father, all the time. I wasn't from a fun loving family. Sure we went camping and had fun, it always was at a cost. Inevitably someone or thing set him off and now the dynamics are tense. I wished he'd never take the same vacations as us or go to school events. The one precious half hour from getting off the bus to the time he pulled in the driveway was enough looking back. Family members knew of his true demoner and no one can convince us otherwise, teachers had to of known too. But, no one said anything. Ever. Not even my mom. Who witnessed all of it giving me this guilty sorrow look only to create large pools of water in my eyes. I found myself silently crying as I took whatever was facing me. Anger is a very scary emotion for me right now. Perhaps my brain needs to be retrained. Sorry for the long post. My minds took over for a bit..
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