Childhood Does Anyone Else Have Intense Anger?

[XXbabydollXX]

Like ALL the time? I hear some people saying how they don't let their memories affect them and that they...

Maybe they pretend that it doesn't affect them. I think that it's bull. My csa has affected my entire life. When family tells you to get over it they want to pretend to be a perfect family bs.

 

[Lee2001]

Just last week had a family member tell me to get over it.... truly don't understand how people can say that!

 

[F_uckYourselves]

All the time. ALL the time. And it seems to only be getting worse lately. I know a lot of trauma survivors have difficulty feeling/expressing anger, but for me it's the only emotion I can easily access. It's always right beneath the surface, and sometimes it overwhelms me like a groundswell. Sometimes I worry that I'll lash out in anger one day and really get myself into trouble.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Wow, I honestly think I would have taken a run at that shrink. Asshole.

It's ironic but just thinking about this today . I suffered daily violence at the hands of a much ol...

@Stills I grew up in a house where anger was the only emotion considered acceptable (strong). I have been angry all my life, and when I'm triggered, that anger turns into rage. Thankfully, since my PTSD was triggered last year, the anger has begun to be replaced by grief and sadness. I have a lifetime of that to express.

@Punky143. :hug: I know exactly how you feel.

@BlkBabydollxx people bury their pain so deep, they don't even know it's there. But it's a time bomb...

 

[Gs172003]

Wow, I honestly think I would have taken a run at that shrink. Asshole.


@Stills[/U...

I just started a thread about this whole thing. Yep. Anger.

 

[Ashton]

I struggle with feeling intense internal anger and I don't know what to do with it. I could easily stuff it but the anger ends up manifesting itself eventually. I want to take care of it somehow. I want to be able to let go of it but I don't know how to let it go. My anger for society and for their victim blaming and rejection and my distrust of people is definitely causing a deep sense of loneliness in me. I know I shouldn't expect people to understand trauma or PTSD if they have never experienced it but I still get frustrated and angry that they don't understand it. I completely understand people keeping their distance from me right now because I have turned negative, extremely guarded and cold. I would recommend that they keep their distance from me because I don't want to hurt anybody due to my illness. At the same time though, I get so angry that people are keeping their distance from me. I am angry with God. I often times ask, beg and plead with Him. I see friends, or should I say acquaintances because I am too negative for them to see me as a friend, be happy with their children and their families and I get angry with God wondering what I could have done differently to have found favor in His eyes so that I wouldn't have had to go through the trauma that changed me into a person I hate and has changed my life. If I am triggered in any way, I become verbally combative with people, my voice and my entire body shakes. I look crazy to them I'm sure. I want to be normal again. I want to be in control of my emotions and I want to have the ability to feel positive emotions again without that underlying, intense anxiety, shame and anger. I am so tired of feeling angry all the time. I am tired of lacking motivation. I am tired of being rejected and of hurting.

 

[J'qel]

Not CSA here, but a lot of physical (and emotional, obv) abuse.

YES.

I think my earlier years of PTSD were spent almost constantly enraged. I was so angry at *EVERYTHING* all the time. It's part of the PTSD. And no, it has nothing to do with how tough you are-it has to do with your brain. Your brain decided that it isn't safe, won't be safe and is constantly preparing you beacuse it's convinced you are not in a safe place. It's brain chemistry.

People who don't get it, don't get it. It doesn't matter what they think. You're doing the best you damned well can and that's a hell of a lot harder than anyone realizes.

People don't tell someone with a broken arm to walk it off or toughen up, and your issues is a heck of a lot more complex and difficult than a broken arm, your entire body is in siege by your neurochemistry. Just because they can't see it doesn't mean it isn't crippling and an internal struggle every damned day.

Good for you. You are tough enough, you are strong enough, you are a damned champion. If they don't get it, then maybe they don't matter. If they do matter, they will get it. You're fighting one of the harder struggles here, and take the credit for it. Not many people have to fight every single day of their lives, but you are.

You're one of the toughest out there. Keep on, keepin' on, and don't mind the ignorants.

 

[mama13]

My anger has turned inward and become sadness. After my daughter's injury, I just feel a constant regret, wishing to go back and make things right. Surprisingly, I was a much angrier person pre-traumatic event versus now. Feel more down and a sense of longing.

I am sorry for what has happened to you to make the anger show up. You have every right as long as you still feel rational. Once it becomes out of control, you need to seek solace in a friend, a forum, or a passion such as running, boxing, etc, to get you through and allow you to cope yet be strong in your emotional well being as well.

 

[halliconkel]

Letter to my supporter while in deep depression after extreme rage learned from sociopath father. "I'm Sorry for being so hard on u... It has nothing to do with u. I get so worked up expecting others to do something a certain way because I c myself in what I perceive. I need to relax and be kind to those who help.

Even if people don't there's always a road, a natural place, my legs under me. I know it's my longing for conditions outside myself to keep me safe that fluster me. I remember that we have to expect the best and when it may not go the way we plan there's always movement or not. A street, a bridge, a tent, feet, hands, earth, and air.

There's wonder everywhere. Everything is temporary and life really is short so it won't be too much longer but it's also so much more time at the same time. Both are great things to look forward to, the freedom from physical bondages, the joys of experiencing life."

 

[saraemerald]

The difference between the people who say they do not let the memories bother them, or affect their well-...

I personally believe, no matter who you are, memories affect everyone, whether they realise it or not.
But some of us, when we were little, were trained to shut down our feelings and not express them or else we would be abused or yelled at or shamed in some sort of way. That's not healthy and there are many people who do have feeelings whether it be sadness or anger or frustration but they don't know they feel something because they are numb.
Anger is normal. I can only imagine being consistently hurt or abused over a long period of time until you become numb to it, only to have all those feelings that have been stuffed down for so many years, resurface years later.
Numbness is a coping mechanism when it is unsafe for us to have very normal feelings. When we are finally safe enough to feel them, our release of feelings can be extremely strong, especially when we start to comprehend the depth of how badly we have been hurt.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I just started therapy. I've only seen my T twice. And I do agree to an extent because I get so angered and every f*cking day I tell myself to calm down in my head, like just f*cking relax. Feelings pass, duh, but when I'm angry, something in me just snaps, I'm like a different person and I'm not one to say I can't control myself because obviously I can, but when I'm angry, it just feels uncontrollable a lot of the times regardless if I act on my actual thoughts. Does that make sense?

I can so much relate to the anger, more like rage, uncontrollable, yes, at times that bad.

In the beginning of therapy, I used to go home and enter my basement. No one could hear me on the street because the basement had thick concrete wall. I tested it with my husband. He'd buy me drinking glasses of all kinds at the thrift stores. He dragged the old toilet down there. He got me some goggles and a sledge hammer and a baseball bat and a rubber mallet. I'd go down there and use all my tools and bash the crap out of things. My favorite was setting up glasses in a formation and then swinging a bat at them and hearing them crash. Loved that sound. I screamed and screamed while doing it.

Later I used a tennis racket against a pillow.

Still, I couldn't release all of the anger I had until I discovered the source of it. Since then I haven't felt like screaming and breaking things. It's been years since I broke something on purpose to hear the sound it makes.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

All the time. ALL the time. And it seems to only be getting worse lately. I know a lot of trauma survivors have difficulty feeling/expressing anger, but for me it's the only emotion I can easily access. It's always right beneath the surface, and sometimes it overwhelms me like a groundswell. Sometimes I worry that I'll lash out in anger one day and really get myself into trouble.

For me I had a bad role model, my psychopathic, serial killer father. He'd go ballistic on me if I ever asked him anything about why he had to harm little kids.

I learned from my father that there were only two emotions; a dead calm and a potentially deadly rage. The calmness collided with anger and quickly escalated into a rage. Though the rage was calculated and planned to a "T" when it came to carrying out a scheduled hit. I only discovered this as I was forced to watch him commit criminal acts.

After an assignment from my therapist to write about the other side of my father, the dead calm, I was able to see I carried parts of him within me. I just needed to let go of them because they never belonged to me in the first place. The 'dead calm' wasn't what my therapist called it. Rather it was the goodness in my father. My father possessed sides to him that were good, and I liked being around him during the less toxic times.