Doing Something Wrong

[shimmerz]

My life situation has changed. A major homeless stressor has been lifted from me in the past couple of weeks. I am working and functioning (barely) in my own home again. I feel like I have come full circle.

Because the homeless distraction is no longer gripping me, I am able to get to what is underneath a bit better. I don't seem to be suffering from PTSD reactions so much anymore but instead, a great deal of anxiety. I think I may have actually touched on a bit of depression last night as well (which I haven't felt EVER before).

This is about the anxiety though. I notice that the anxiety freezes me and stops me from making decisions for a fairly constant reason. I am afraid to make the wrong decision. Because the wrong decision at the time of my trauma (and let's face it, there WAS no right decision at that time), felt like a death sentence to me. And it quite honestly could have been.

But here I am, in a different time, a different space and that feeling follows me. I know in my higher brain that this is not a life or death situation, but I think, because of the last 10 years of PTSD that I think through every damned detail of every damned thing. My thinking process is wired now for PTSD hypervigilence, survival shit. And it doesn't work in my situation right now.

I have great support from my supporter who catches me when I fall into this (which is often).
"I think you may be overthinking this."
"If it is the wrong thing, then we will fix it"
"Nothing gets broken that can't be fixed. Just go ahead and do it. I am here if something goes wrong."

I can't get my head around 'Nothing gets broken that can't be fixed.' Or any of his statements for that matter... although I am trying. I probably am finally at the point that CBT would be good for me (it was disasterous in the early days of my PTSD so I bowed out).... but alas, there are no therapists here. that do CBT. Any advice from any of you who maybe have gone through the CBT process?

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I can't offer any really solid advice I'm afraid but I have a similar operating model in that anxiety can prevent me from trying things. I do know that CBT really helped me and that I have had 5 - 6 years where my fear / anxiety level was much more manageable and that I functioned more like a person who doesn't suffer from chronic anxiety and depression. I have had a relapse but am on list for more CBT as I think I need it. I think it does sound like you would benefit from CBT and I'd say give it a go and see how you get on.

 

[ghotiff]

I understand where you come from fearing wrong decisions.

One thing that helped me was to try to learn the difference between a critical decision and a typical decision. Almost all decisions are typical and only rarely critical (basically limited to trauma environments). Typical decisions matter only when they are repetitively made, individually they are recoverable and thus don't matter much.

I.e. I can make a bad decision and if I recognize it as incorrect I can change/fix it .... it's only when I make the wrong decision repetitively that it's a problem. Eg: yelling at best friend, breaking a plate in anger, being late to work.

Hope that helps.

 

[ghotiff]

Also, one cannot control the outcome from a decision. The "best" decision skews the odds towards the "best" outcome, but it does not guarantee it. Letting go of that illusion of control is something I'm working on.