Dom Violence Domestic Violence and Children

[SeanCharles]

My trauma count just went +1! While I am sensing one of my many 'Ah ha' moments, I am not sure this is quite one, since I decided to take a walk on this wild side, a side I witnessed through the eyes of my younger yet not stolen innocence childhood years...

I may not be making sense here, since I am a bit dazed as I am extremely nervous, anxious and maybe a little dumbfounded at myself...

I didn't come to this forum to be disruptive. I came here to begin what I feel I need to do, yet in that process, I in turn discover another deeply seeded trauma which does compound, yet explains a lot too. While I won't go into too much detail within this response, I realize now the damage which began before my own sexual abuse which occurred after my parents sought help. How ironic that this is much deeper than I initially realized.

If anyone is interested, I will be doing a post here soon, in fact I have a draft saved...

 

[SeanCharles]

Long-term problems. Research indicates that males exposed to domestic violence as children are more likely to engage in domestic violence as adults; similarly, females are more likely to be victims (Brown & Bzostek, 2003).Higher levels of adult depression and trauma symptoms also have been found (Silvern et al., 1995). Exposure to domestic violence is also one of several adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) that have been shown to contribute to premature death, as well as risk factors for many of the most common causes of death in the United States. (For more information, visit the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study website: www.acestudy.org)

I am sorry in advance for over quoting this if I am. This is scary! I will admit that temperament is likely also a major factor in this as I can attest that I my temper can be very very volatile. At least this is another answer/question that actually has me doing a bit of internal searching now.... (not a bad thing necessarily).

 

[Meadowsweet]

Geordie, the extremely violent partner I had, had witnessed domestic violence as a child. His parents had also tried to make up for their guilt by giving him everything he wanted materially. Also, his mother died when he was in his teens. In my mind, his reactions were as much to do with him expecting to get his own way, along with a possessiveness and fear of losing the woman in his life (me), as they were to do with the violence he had witnessed.

One other significant aspect of this is the desire to change. Small children lash out when they are angry or don't get their own way. If nobody teaches them a more appropriate way to react, then it stands to reason that they are more likely to react that way as adults. However, by adulthood, even if the person hasn't found a better way to respond to anger, they will have learned from school, media, friends, the law etc, that abusing somebody isn't considered ok.

It's not just about what has happened in a persons life that determines if they will abuse others, it's about what they do about the issues they have as an adult. So those statistics don't determine the individual.

 

[SeanCharles]

@Meadowsweet, I had forgotten about this until a previous post was a reminder that I would need to eventually explore this subject as well as my own thoughts, feelings, and actions that I am sure are part of early trauma that I experienced before the aftermath of the recovery path my parents too which inadvertently added additional trauma which would be revealed later when I had to confront the lies/empty promises and stand up when I did which would have repeated the cycle until I defiantly objected and went for a drive with my bio father at the time.

One other significant aspect of this is the desire to change. Small children lash out when they are angry or don't get their own way. If nobody teaches them a more appropriate way to react, then it stands to reason that they are more likely to react that way as adults. However, by adulthood, even if the person hasn't found a better way to respond to anger, they will have learned from school, media, friends, the law etc, that abusing somebody isn't considered ok.

It's not just about what has happened in a persons life that determines if they will abuse others, it's about what they do about the issues they have as an adult. So those statistics don't determine the individual.

I do understand, and do agree 100%

 

[blackswan]

On my supporter-travels I came across The Shark Cage analogy/metaphor (Ursula Benstead), which I think provides a really helpful description of why people who survived abuse as children are more likely to experience abuse as adults.

Essentially, it describes the world as an ocean that contains, as would be expected, both happy little fish and predatory sharks. To survive in this ocean we need a shark cage to protect us. We are not born with our shark cage, but it is built (learned) during childhood. If it's normal to be bitten by sharks it's really difficult to know that it's possible to have a shark cage, and if we're surrounded by people who don't have sturdy shark cages themselves then they don't know how to teach us to build one. It is possible to build and improve our shark cage throughout life though :)

I've found it useful in reflecting on my own (emotionally ruinous but physically safe) childhood too - my shark cage was quite misshapen, kept a lot of good fish out for a long time despite gaping holes that let through unemotional sharks, but I reckon it's getting better...

 

[Lonelythroughout]

My first reaction to this is "No, most definitely not!" but thinking more clearly, I think there may be a point to it. I had an abusive childhood and I was myself- not exaclty in an abusive relationship but something quite close to it. If I look at my mother, who was abused by her mother and then in an abusive marriage with my father I start to doubt my initial reaction. However, I do think that this is something that happens sometimes rather than always. I know that the person of my affection right now is nothing like my abuser, actually the exact opposite, kind and gentle. And my mother´s first husband was also nothing like my father.

So in my opinion, I think that there is a certain amount of atraction that the familiarness holds, but I dont think we go looking for it, conciously or subconciously.

 

[RussH]

I cannot say that I grew up in a domestic violence situation. However my father was an alcoholic, he did spank me one time bad enough to leave whelps, and he did backhand me over the dishwasher once. He was verbally abusive to my mom; although I never realized it until my wife pointed it out.

I think his alcoholism affected me the most. there were so many times I remember being disappointed because of him being drunk.

However the worst thing is when my daughter told me he sexually abused her when she was around eight. We took her to counseling, and the counselor did report it, but nothing ever happened. I confronted him, but he denied it. We learned later that he also "touched" my step-niece.

He is dead now, and a part of me is glad, but the other part of me, well he was still my dad. But, again he is dead, so nothing can be done regarding his actions, but I know my daughter still has issues because of the abuse.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have learned so much reading the responses on this old thread. Thank you for bringing it up again.