Relationship Don't know what I'm dealing with in my partner - trauma and dissociation

[The The]

My husband and I have been together 10 years. We got together after the respective break ups of previous abusive marriages, with him in the middle of a re-traumatised state, which I didn't fully understand at the time. He's a good man, but I came into this very naive, and it's taken me this long to understand more or less what's going on, and to put my own boundaries in. He used to drink a lot, and then would get into some really scary states - not violent, but hallucinating, which scared the pants off me, and which he'd later have no memory of. Bollocks to that. Now he doesn't drink so much, he says not at all (but ?) so it doesn't get as scary, but he still goes weird - like he's been drinking but he swears blind he has not.

Two incidents happened lately - I came home from an errand that took me across town to find him absolutely trashed, in the middle of the day, in charge of our daughter. He swears he was sick with covid-19 and was just very ill and not nearly as drunk as he seemed. (He was fine two days later, but most of the whiskey was gone.) The other incident was, he was in a mildly off state and took our daughter out for a bike ride. I thought he was taking her on her bike to the park across the road and told them strictly not to go near the road. They returned later - he'd taken her on the back of his e-bike and they'd had an accident, not the road, but not in the park. She was fine, but he was banged up and had no memory (apparently) of the event. Of course I was stupid to let them go out, I know that, but when you're in the moment, you don't fully realise that you really can't trust your adult partner to act like you think they should and would. Now I realise I just cannot trust him in sole charge of kids. So at that point I said if he didn't get help I was out. I was livid. So he went and did get trauma counselling, which was good, I think... But they both decided after 4 sessions he was good to go. I know how he rolls though, he's very good at convincing other people, and himself, about stuff. Like how he's good to go. But what did come out of that was that it seems he has quite a lot of dissociation happening b/c of the PTSD, so now Idk if when he seems drunkish whether he's lying about drinking or if it's dissociation. And Idk what that really means.

The other thing is, now my son is 18 and taller than my husband (his step dad), DH's acting all resenty and being a right twat to my son. He himself was kicked out of home when he was 16 and made his own way in the world, which is why I think he he reacts so strongly to an 18 yo doing less than he did at that age (son's still at school, but with part-time work). I'm trying to get a reality check. The kid is rude and teenagery sometimes - he's also autistic, OCD, with a history of trauma himself, zero self-esteem and a lovely heart. He's much nicer and more engaged with family than any other person of his age that I know. And I do try to hear and support my husband's reasonable points, but when he's acting like an infant himself it makes for a horrible situation at home. Tonight we had such an episode, which unfolded after I had been out for coffee with friends (for the first time since pre-covid), and he had been alone for the afternoon (kids were away with other family). He never handles me being away well, he's usually in a state when I get back, before which he starts texting and calling, all paranoid etc. So he was 'off' through the evening (drinking, or not?), and ended with him being just nasty to son over a mild sibling tiff between son and daughter. The state DH was in is hard to define, not initially nasty but not his "morning persona" as I call it, which is, alert, present, reliable, rational. Is this dissociation? According to the therapist it is. If so, how the hell do I manage the situation? What I did do was tell him he was out of line, but it feels like he needs more support than he's wanting to accept, and I'm sure as hell not his therapist. I think he's coming to resent me for no longer being the accepting, non-boundaried person he first met, but I'm also not sure how unfair I'm being in my judgements and if that's what he's (righteously) resenting.

I'm trying to understand the PTSD and dissociation and how they play out in our lives and conflicts, and to find support myself, because I feel really lost understanding half of what's going on. And b/c of my own issues, I find it hard to guage what's normal and ok and what isn't, and where I should lay the boundaries. I stayed in my last relationship nearly 20 years, not realising how unacceptable his behaviour was. I also don't want to be a cow because this is a good man who works hard for the family and has helped me in my own life and growth so much. I would like to get counselling, but husband informed me we couldn't afford it (I think we can), but besides which, I've been for counseling before, for myself, and tbh they were all pants, so meh.

 

[RubyBlue]

Dissociation or not (which doesn’t quite sound like it to me but I’m not a doc), he has a responsibility to get himself help and be a team partner in marriage and parenting. I’d be finding a new therapist personally.

 

[The The]

He believes he's a good team member b/c he cooks a lot and is the breadwinner. This is true, but also true is that even if he didn't participate further, he should not add to or cause stress.

 

[joeylittle]

So he went and did get trauma counselling, which was good, I think... But they both decided after 4 sessions he was good to go. I know how he rolls though, he's very good at convincing other people, and himself, about stuff. Like how he's good to go. But what did come out of that was that it seems he has quite a lot of dissociation happening b/c of the PTSD, so now Idk if when he seems drunkish whether he's lying about drinking or if it's dissociation. And Idk what that really means.

What about addiction counseling? Alcohol sounds like the primary problem.

 

[Movingforward10]

How do you know what the therapist said? I'm assuming it is your husband's account not the therapist talking to you directly? If so, do you think you are being told what the therapist said or what your husband wants you to hear?

Maybe couples therapy?

You're 100% right to protect your kids. Of he is drinking (and lying about it): he isn't safe to look after them. And your children must be picking up on this?

Good for you putting boundaries in. But he needs to respect this. This isn't about just him. This is about his children (biological or not, he' s their parent) and your family unit.

Couples Therapy might be a safe way to bring these things up and get him to see what he needs to do rather than charm his way out of responsibility?

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Oh man... that’s a pickle. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what is PTSD and what is not. Has he been otherwise symptomatic? I know sometimes it’s hard to tell “ass” behavior from PTSD stress-reactive, but you’ve been with him long enough you probably know his “tells”.

Whatever the reason, he’s not being responsible with the kiddos though, and you are right not to let him be in sole charge of them for now. And I don’t think you’re crazy for questioning the drinking either. Covid, my left ass cheek! I’d question that malarkey too.

Just out of curiosity, Is he specifically claiming he’s dissociating because his PTSD?

 

[The The]

Yes, couples therapy would probably be best so I know he's being honest, to the therapist and me. If I can get him to go. When I met him he was clearly deep in trauma, which is why I do know PTSD is mixed up in this. But he got better over time (time during which I was his primary 'therapist', which was not cool) and it had got to the point eventually where I felt the primary issue was alcohol triggering symptoms, at which time I started challenging his drinking. A cpl of months back when I had had enough, I did tell him that and that I expected him to deal with the drinking before we moved forward. But then he was in therapy, and was telling me about his and the therapist's discussions about dissociation (because of childhood trauma), and I tell you, he swears absolutely blind he's not drinking... I actually wondered if he was dissociating then drinking, so he's not even aware of it, but that seems like pushing it. I had got to the point some while back when I distrusted everything he said and had ever told me, because a lot of it is not verifiable. A lot of what I base my understanding on about him is simply what he has told me. And he has lied to me outright before, and he is psychologically very skilled and can be manipulative. He is a therapist himself. But I did a reality check and realised not everything is lies, and that he genuinely does have the family's best interests at heart. But where does that leave me? Because there are still genuine, severe issues even if that is true. I wanted to know more about dissociation, because I had never understood it could just mimic being drunk... But what do I know. Some weird stuff is true ? And he can go into that state pretty much before my eyes, with no alcohol in sight. And sometimes it's only lived experience that knows random idiosyncracies of a condition. From my journey with my son, I can tell you that is true. Weird shizzle happens that only people in the trenches would recognise. But it could also be that it's all BS and he is drinking and lying, and I'm chasing my tail ? And I know about Occam and his razor lol. That's what I'm trying to untangle by asking here. I'll find an alcoholism forum and discuss there too.

 

[The The]

Forgot to say, I have considered how much he has used PTSD as an excuse to drink, but he's not doing that now, just denying. And I know all his tells, but Idk what they mean. Yeah... covid ? Dude..... The thing is he keeps repeating that story. If I don't watch out, I'll start believing it. Due to stress I have the memory of a goldfish and could conceivably forget important stuff like that ?

 

[RubyBlue]

Dissociation is on a spectrum, from minor everyday things of zoning out while driving to the same old place because it’s just pure muscle memory pretty much all the way up into DID. Everyone falls on that spectrum somewhere. I don’t think the things you are describing are dissociation though, I can’t diagnose, but it just doesn’t sit well with what I know. I’ve never seen dissociation mimic drunkenness. For me, I’m really high up on the spectrum, to the point of losing memory of childhood events, but during those I’m more zoned out and just going through the motions. My personality really doesn’t change. In DID, you do get personality changes to a point but that’s a pretty rare diagnosis and I don’t dare speculate on it. The people on this forum who have diagnosed DID are really self aware and so I’ve never seen behavior from them like you describe.

***edited to add- I would be very very very concerned if my therapist is dissociating to such a severe degree of that’s what’s going on. As a patient I would be worried.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I haven't read any of the replies so please forgive me if any of this has been said.

Disoccoation ranges from normal day dreaming that everyone does to DID (what used to be called multiple personalities). We all disocciate to one extent to another. Think of day dreaming then put that on a spectrum. That is disocciation. You are not in reality in your brain. You are somewhere else. It can be another place or it can be dead space. But you are not in the present space in your brain.

I used to loose memory a lot. One time I was sandwitched between two people at Walmart during Christmas time and "woke up" in the woman's bathroom, hudled in the handicapped stall saying "please don't hurt me" over and over. No memory of how I got from the sandwitched people to the bathroom stall.

It got scary. Before they put up the fense by the train I live by, I used to end up on the train tracks. No memory of how I got from the house to the train tracks.

Memory gaps around actions are a bit more rare with disocciation (as far as I am aware) but it can happen. Again, it's a spectrum. I, personally, was diagnosed with OSDD which is basically the little cousin of DID. So it can happen. For me, a service dog was the answer but that is different for all.

No one can tell you that this is not drinking though. Drinking most certianly has that effect too. When it's the safety of your minor child, I would say you need hard and fast boundries there. If it's disocciation it's not just "oh well". There are grounding techniques he can learn and he can learn what triggers it as well and can learn to make those triggers less triggering. Just to name a few things that can be done to help that. Memory gaps with action is dangerous. Like me ending up on the Sunrail tracks. The super active train in Orlando, Fl.

This is all that therapy would work him through though. Only 4 sessions with a therapist is a bit sketchy to me. That's barely enough time to get to know each other. Certianly not enough to learn the skills he needs if he is disocciating that deeply!

Personally though, when it's the saftey of a minor child, I would have hard and fast boundries and ensure that someone else can be there when he is with her, if you can't yourself. Because be it disocciation or drinking, both are very dangerous for your child! If he has no idea what he's doing? Yeah, not safe!

Just my few cents. Hope it helps!

 

[The The]

I'm sorry you've had these very frightening experiences lostforgottensoul. Thanks for your feedback. Yes I am totally on board with realising that around the kids I need to act like a single parent. It's hard for it to sink in because at other times, he's a model parent, and they have fantastic times together. Very confusing.
I've just spoken to him following our confrontation last night. He's back to super-husband. I said again that his behaviour/presentation even though not extreme lately, has been disorientating for the family and not ok. He was reluctant to engage about that, but he did hear me out. He doesn't recognise what I'm talking about at all, but his therapist has told him to listen to the feedback from those around him, so I reminded him of that. So while we were speaking I was reflecting on things that have been said here. It's still really hard to know if alcohol is involved, but I think some variety of dissociation is also possible in the sense of what you're describing. When I say it's like being drunk, there are similarities... What is missing I guess is speech slurring and loss of motor co-ordination. He goes vague, his voice goes hoarse. Like it's an effort to speak. He'll take a while to process if someone speaks to him, that's if he hears, like he's far away, or in two places at once, but mostly the other place, maybe just listening in to this one. He'll say things apropos of nothing, or obscure, like in the middle of a thought. Say things at inappropriate times, and react poorly, be unreasonable, if it gets to that. At work he definitely has a work persona, though I don't mean in a DID way necessarily, just that he has all his shit together there, and when he doesn't he takes leave. He's very good at what he does, as a survivor himself I guess. And he has a supervisor to report to who knows about his PTSD. But I might speak to him about that and come up with an agreed plan, as he's not very self-aware. As an observer I know his patterns, and he is willing to listen. He's not likely to have any sudden breaks. That has never happened even when it was at it's worst, and it was pretty bad. I can't do the hard yards going through the trauma with him anymore, I withdraw to protect myself. At times he would not have memories of the night and whatever trauma we had both been through, but he wouldn't admit that, would try to cover it up. I have kids with special needs, I have my own exhausting issues, I have to have energy to give my kids and function. So he probably feels at times I'm mean and abandoning him, because I was all there for him in the early days, but my kids must have got the bare minimum from me then, and I feel terrible about that. But yeah, I'm pretty direct with him now - I'm there for him, but he has to pull his weight and not make it worse by drinking or some dumb sh-.
It would really help me to speak to a therapist with him, but I'm pretty sure he's afraid of what I'll say because yes, he wants to control the information. That would be a logical defense mechanism even without malicious intent. I know it's not ok though, and if I need to I will find professional help. But like I say, I've not had much luck with counselors personally, so I am wary of finding someone who can actually do the job.

 

[RubyBlue]

Don’t apologize for your boundaries, they are there to protect you and to provide for your children. If he can’t understand that, that’s his problem. Oxygen mask (((hugs)))