Embarrassed

[Chava]

Early trauma seems to be the most embarrassing. Don't tell me there is nothing to be embarrassed about because in my head, I know that...though maybe I don't have the right word. Vulnerable, ashamed, worthless, damaged and it's my fault, all of that rolled together. Whatever. Anyway, testing out a new psych soon who specializes in chronic pain stuff. I'm embarrassed about my pain, my past trauma, my self as a person. If she tries any CBT on me or fixing my thoughts, I know I will shutdown and not go back. I know the thoughts don't make sense but try telling that to my body.

Part of the yucky feelings right now are feeling left alone again with pain and nobody can help me. To a point, I can certainly help myself because I'm an adult. But I'm isolating pretty badly. Forcing myself to do things with others but not connecting or getting anything out of it. So not sure why I bother because I'm just further reminding others that I am unapproachable and unreachable anyway (I assume connected to feelings listed above, just protecting myself)...maybe better to be absent and "busy" and try to make appearances when I feel like I can actually connect. But I fear how far away I'll disappear or disconnect if I wait and keep isolating. You know?

This post is all over the place.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Only do what your comfortable with. If you feel isolation at this time in your life is k with you then go with it. I got sick of people telling me how to deal with my traumas that I sometimes go into a world of my own, I can't speak for any one else but for me it's k, and I'm happy with that. Il deal with my issues, my traumas , my heartache, my vulnerability , fears and anxiety when I feel it's right. Good luck in your journey x thinking if u x

 

[theotherside]

I feel for you. Im isolating. It is horrible. I dont really have advice but sorry for what you are going through..and i relate to lots you said

 

[Chava]

Trying not to quit pain psych before I start. I really don't want to talk to anyone, anywhere. Would rather die.

 

[seedling]

I know the thoughts don't make sense but try telling that to my body.

This sounds like a great starting point.

I told my therapist a few times: "When it feels right, it is right" I had realized that that is what made it better - not the way I thought about it but having the feelings change about it. When I said that I felt like I was standing up for myself and how I was experiencing my therapy.

For me it's OK when the emotions are OK. For you, it may be OK when your body is OK.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava I identify with so much that you can articulate but I have trouble verbalizing. I don't know about you, but I was threatened with violence if I didn't keep my abuse secret and for as long as I have been in therapy, I still can't bring myself to speaking my truth. I am both terrified and embarrassed. Even thinking about it brings back physical pain. And fear and paranoia that he can get me from the grave or that the Universe will punish me for speaking.
Of course I've read all the books on overcoming CSA and how freeing telling your story is, but I just curl up in a ball and rock my pain away.
I think it makes sense that your have trepidation about the new psych. It would sure be nice to know the outcome before you start the process!! It's like sticking your toes in the ocean before you dive in. And boy, if it's 90 degrees out, you know however cold it is, you'll feel better diving in.
I don't trust anything. I pretend to, but I'm still isolated. This site is the closest I've really gotten to asking some really painful questions. I think it shows courage that you reach out even as scattered as you are feeling now. The literature on PTSD describes us to a T. Still, the process is excruciating. Even though I struggle to face my demons, I can still recommend to others to try to trust those in the trauma business that genuinely want to help us overcome our childhood. And I don't think I hold onto things because I'm afraid to be free or am afraid of the unknown. I was brainwashed, plain and simple. I disclosed to my therapist a sadistic part of my story, then I couldn't remember if I told him or just dreamed it. I'm still mortified that I told him and am sure ( probably inaccurately) I repulse him.
I feel a lot of shame and lately I've been considering trying to get rid of it, but don't know how.
As far as your friends are concerned, they might not think of you as unapproachable. My friends know I struggle and they intuitively know when to let me be. They don't judge me. I'm the one doing the judging. Ack!! My therapist is always reminding me that PTSD keeps us cut off from our bodies. We live in our heads. But doing body work helps close the gap so we can truly feel what it is to be alive. We have been numb long enough

 

[Chava]

Thanks @seedling and @KwanYingirl

I'm a really logical person and honestly not very emotional at all. I experience strong emotions as pain or numbness or a sort of meltdown that I can't really describe well but involves feeling physically immobilized or trapped (though I know it's not real). I think the early trauma stuff doesn't fit well with CBT, or at least not the stuff I've tried. But it's sort of helpful for talking about work stress or whatever. Maybe I can just talk about work with pain psych, basic pain management ideas like how to get through the day. ? I don't know. I'm not going to talk about trauma stuff.

I feel a lot of shame and lately I've been considering trying to get rid of it, but don't know how.

I wish I knew and could share a solution. I've been feeling lots of shame recently too but maybe didn't recognize because I'm not responding with burning myself. But I've been really depressed, haven't had a pain free days in many months, and today it's noticeably not good because I've wrecked my stomach and am taking comfort in clutching my pocket knife and keeping it with me at all times.

Is there any way you can you ask your therapist if you ever told him about this? I was glad I was able to tell my therapist that I feared she thought I was disgusting, and that she told me she didn't think so. But I didn't quite make it through that anyway, just bad timing. I shutdown for a long time and I think tried to play normal or good patient even in therapy so I wouldn't feel like such a piece of shit. It really sucks, like there is no good way through really but hopefully better ways to survive. I don't know...

 

[KwanYingirl]

Treatment for PTSD takes a long time. Sometimes I go backward, sometimes I surprise myself for feeling kind of normal. I did ask my therapist if I disclosed something violent to him and he said yes and then I dropped the subject. It feels weird knowing he had to imagine my crotch. Yuk and more yuk. You're right, it is embarrassing.

Test the waters with the new psych. Maybe she'll blow your mind!! You have had pain for so long. Have you ever considered going to a Chiropractor? Mine cured me of that pelvic pain I was having awhile back. Plus it just feels good to have my body adjusted.
Do you have a diary on this site? I'm afraid reading them would trigger me, never mind actually writing one.

 

[Chava]

I don't have a diary anywhere. Not for me. But I respect that it's helpful for others.

Feeling semi-unreal today but if I look back, it's probably some progress through bad pain days. just tired of everyday struggle or depression

 

[ghotiff]

Powerful thread.

I wish I had valuable words to write, but I don't. Shame is very difficult to process. I never thought I had any until I started my therapy journey. Now I just don't know what to do about it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I think my shame is the undercurrent of my dissociative tendencies. It is that painful.

 

[Chava]

That's an interesting thought...I think shame is an undercurrent in lots of my dissociation too, @KwanYingirl . I experience myself as invisible. In therapy sometimes too, even if I trust my therapist, on a more basic level I feel creeped out being right in that space and exposed. It's like a confusing mix of literally wanting to be hidden for protection and the sort of hiding my face (shame). Anyway, it's hard to blink, swallow, focus. I just become an empty shell. I experience a little less of feeling invisible (I think that really is a lot of shame) but more of the literal hiding away (isolating), so at least I'm trying to be true to myself....I think that's part of the isolation....I'm afraid of more shame around people, my own little house is pretty safe. Oh my god I'm rambling. I don't like that shame is painful for you, but I like that you shared because I relate to the probable connections here.

@ghotiff I never understood shame well or realized I had it until well past years of self-destruction. Never came up in therapy as a "thing" I had. A few years ago I had some tiny insight about some antidote to shame and now I can't remember what it was. Damn-it. Not that it would change everything, but if I could remember that and do or feel more of that...

I mis-titled this thread probably (more about "shame" than "embarrassment") but thinking about pain and maybe talking to a new therapist about anything it really feels like a childlike sense of embarrassment. And that's really how I felt as a kid...about needing anything, having to make a connection with anyone, simply being seen or noticed, or even with serious medical problems...I just felt really horribly embarrassed. I felt okay in my own little bubble, so it's good I have had a safe space but now I don't know how to get out of it.