Embracing My "flaws" To Feel Whole

[WillyKat]

Usually, I go to my therapy sessions with something specific to talk about, accomplishments or challenges or questions. But yesterday, I was sort of a blank. So while in the waiting room I remembered reading an academic journal where four researchers were arguing with each other. I’m easily triggered by arguments and even reading an argument among people I don’t even know starts making me feel uneasy.

I told my therapist this and she wanted to dive a little deeper. We spoke a lot about me being sensitive, something I’ve always wanted to conquer, to get over. So damn many things bother me. She is consistent about getting me to see the glass as half full on things. Sometimes I can’t see it as she does, but yesterday I did. I don’t have to see my sensitivity as a weakness. Granted it makes me different, and separates me from others. But after a while talking I started to feel a sense of acceptance. So what if I’m different?

I’ve felt this before, not long ago in fact, about my anger issues. Many of my accomplishments in therapy have to do with accepting and even embracing what I’ve always seen as flaws. Anger, sensitivity, whatever. It seems like embracing it and giving it love seems to work a lot better than thinking of it as an enemy that has to be beaten out of me. So I told her, a bit out of the blue, that I’m beginning to feel whole.

Has anyone else had such experiences?

 

[KwanYingirl]

I am very sensitive. I was ridiculed by my family constantly and always thought I was damaged or wrong. I cried a lot. As an adult I have learned that being sensitive is the price we pay for being compassionate and empathetic. Wonderful characteristics. However, the negative emotions are worn on my sleeve too. I feel any feeling intensely, haven't accepted my negative emotions but am working on them to prepare for having EMDR.

 

[Springer80]

I've been moving around this subject. First I started with accepting that I could only do what I can manage. Next is to stop thinking of my emotional needs as deficiencies.

Radical!!!! :cool:

I'm finding I can feel this odd sensation called relaxation a bit more and the thought of enjoyment doesn't seem too much of a tall order for the future. :wideeyed:

 

[Mystery]

That's a brilliant insight Springer80, our emotional needs are not deficiencies. My childhood made it necessary for me to recognize them as a risk to have, let alone express. Forward decades to adult life, I went about interacting that way with the entire world.

 

[Springer80]

Thanks @Mystery, The thing is it is a very hard behaviour to change. I may have stopped the crazy façade behaviour of trying to deny or overcome them but now I'm sort of being passive and self protecting. I'm not trying to get them met because I have no frame of reference about what to do, what to express. 99% of my self is a discussion I've had in my head and it's been that way since I was 12.

It's a very sad thing to acknowledge in yourself that you were conditioned in that manner. It's just tragic.

 

[littlelostchild]

I am also very sensitive, which made growing up in my situation much worse. My therapist has had similar conversations with me about my sensitivity being a strength. I work with children an adults and have a way of reading people and situations that has been a gift (can't believe I am acknowledging it this way). He is trying to get me to see that although my past was a horror, it has resulted in some very positive characteristics for me. I had to hone my sensitivity to survive the emotional landscape of my environment and that resulted in great skills, but being emotionally, physically and sexually abused within that context as a sensitive soul has left its own damage.

I am accepting that there have been positive outcomes from a horrific childhood. I think if we can understand that positive qualities like empathy and patience, etc come from our challenging and abusive histories, that will go a long way toward feeling better about ourselves.

 

[WillyKat]

Thanks for your responses. Glad to know I'm not the only sensitive guy out there.

Seems like we've all spent much and maybe most of our lives parroting the criticism of sensitive people, trying to get over how sensitive we are, treating our great empathy as a liability, and trying and failing to develop a thicker skin. Great empathy and sensitivity just isn't valued in our culture.

I have to say that learning to cherish it is new and unfamiliar territory. I've had a lot of such experiences in the last couple of years. I sure didn't think that when I went into therapy again nearly two years ago with "being so damn sensitive" on my list of things I wanted to deal with, that I'd end up embracing it as a positive quality. Mind blowing.

Maybe us sensitive types are the next step in evolution.

 

[Springer80]

I as thinking about anger @WillyKat. You need anger, you need it for injustice and to defend yourself and protect hat you love. Without it we wouldn't have change for the better. And it's not such a bad thing not liking conflict. If you allow unbridled conflict then resolution becomes more and more difficult.

I always found it interesting that Nelson Mandela said that a lot of his fellow activists became depressed when apartheid was abolished, because they needed the fight more than the goal.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I read a helpful book named "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron, PhD. She has also written a couple of other highly sensitive people books and has a workbook. Workbooks and I don't get along. I like reading books and discussing the content. The book was a validation to those of us born as sensitives. She honors us, encourages us and gives advice on struggles such as difficulty sleeping and perseverating. I gave my book to a therapist I had in NH. It's available on Amazon

 

[intothelight]

Sometimes I wonder if they are really flaws. At one time something may be detrimental, but in another circumstance it is an asset and invaluable. I am trying to view things in terms of "its just me" and focusing more on the using the "flaws" in appropriate situations. Easier said than done at times.

 

[The Albatross]

So damn many things bother me. She is consistent about getting me to see the glass as half full on things. Sometimes I can’t see it as she does, but yesterday I did. I don’t have to see my sensitivity as a weakness. Granted it makes me different, and separates me from others. But after a while talking I started to feel a sense of acceptance. So what if I’m different?
[snip]
Has anyone else had such experiences?

Yes I have and I am actually optimal at "the glass is neither half full or half empty" (neutral).

 

[WillyKat]

@Springer80, I absolutely agree about anger. We'd be in quite an ugly hole if nothing bothered people enough to get angry and do something about it. Same goes for individuals.

That said, the kind of anger I had was rarely expressed very well or at all. I would typically bottle it up to the point I exploded. I suffered from the bottling up and the explosions never accomplished Jack.