EMDR Therapy, Dissociation, Flashbacks And Self-Harm

[disconnect]

This could be quite triggering, so please be safe when you read this.


I've been seeing my current T for just over a year now. She's practically saved my life. We've tried EMDR before, but I've been far too distressed to deal with it. Lately, my flashbacks and panic attacks have become more intense and frequent, so we've started to try again with the process, hoping that this time, it'll be more successful.

She asked me about certain aspects of a flashback I'd been having recently about my Dad (I won't go into details) and as I tried to stick with the memories, I had a flashback and dissociated. During this time, (I was unaware of this at the time) I was digging my nails into my arm and scratching so much, that I really messed up my arm. I've struggled with SI a lot in the past, but I haven't been actively SI'ing for a year now and suddenly, whilst dissociating, I ripped up my arm pretty badly. It wasn't until she pulled my hand away from my arm and told me to stop, that I saw what I'd done and it scared me that I couldn't control my actions.

The past couple of days since my session, I've been extremely disconnected and haven't been able to concentrate properly and I keep repeating 'Please stop' over and over again. It's really freaked me out that I'm dissociating again so badly, that I can actively self-harm without actually knowing.

Has anyone ever done this before? Is it normal? Will I re-connect to myself soon? (it's been 2 days of wandering around and feeling like a ghost). If anyone can offer any words or reassurance it'd help massively.

D/x

 

[krillco]

What you a re experiencing is a very difficult and frightening thing. Powerful emotions can be very intimidating, but you are being courageous in working through them. Please contact your clinician and share with her/him what you are feeling, and follow their advisement.

 

[vallie000]

I know about the ghost feeling. When I get the ghost feeling, it is because my brain is trying to figure out what's going on. Something new has happened and I'm trying to get a grip on it. For me, the ghost feeling is a good thing; it means movement forward.

In your case, I can't be certain of course about what's causing the ghost feeling, but maybe it means your brain is trying to connect the self-injury behavior to past traumas and is trying to bring them into current awareness so the injuries can be healed.

I know the overarching confusion and anxiety you must be feeling because nothing is making any sense, but your brain is working furiously in the background to heal itself.

Try to relax if you can and let the healing process do it's work. Someone is watching out for you and our prayers are with you.

 

[disconnect]

Thank you so much for the responses. It's amazing to have people who can understand & relate to similar feelings/actions.

vallie000 - the thought hadn't crossed my mind about connecting the SI to the trauma and it's definately something to think about. They do say all these things are linked, don't they? Like memories being sparked off by the tiniest ember.

krillco - Thank you for your words, it means a lot to me that my actions show courage, even when I don't actually feel it inside.

The scratching at my arms must've been something instinctive within me, as I honestly can't recall doing it. Maybe it was connected to the injuries, or maybe it was how I dealt with it when it was all happening and being back in that place in the flashback, made it physically happen?

Thank you.
D/x

 

[syrinx]

It is really your therapist is informed, and I hope that since this happened in front of her she re-evaluates her use of this technique at this time. Stabilization needs to come before directly confronting trauma, you need to feel like you have solid ground to stand on.

I hate that ghost like feeling, I was triggered that badly due to a bad job and would get stuck like that for days too. What helped me was pinpointing the moments where I felt the least out of it. If I could pay attention to even part of a movie, I'd watch it and keep pulling myself back. Lots of outside stimulation often helped. Being in the sun, and walking in safe places. Sometimes eating a favorite food would help ground me a little. I also would sing to my favorite songs and put the stereo up. I'd feel myself coming back into my body, and the ghost like times got less prominent and less intense.

 

[disconnect]

Thank you for the advice on how to ground yourself whilst in that ghost-like state. I finally reconnected to myself last night and I cried so badly and that 'Little Girl' inside resurfaced once more. I don't want to do EMDR for a bit, I'm too scared to do it again.

 

[syrinx]

Yeah, the crying has happened to me too when I've reconnected. Sometimes I've been able to turn it in my favor, enjoying that I have that emotion and recognizing I am grieving and hurting over something I never got to heal from.

Regarding your therapist, she really needs to take a break and doing something else. EMDR can be really effective, but it is not the only treatment. Also, prolonged exposure and EMDR have mainly been study in "single incident" PTSD. To get through such a tough therapy other means of coping, containment and grounding need to be in place. There are plenty of methodologies that treat these skills. In cPTSD the first line of treatment is stabilization and safety, and even when working in the later stages it is expected that a return to working on safety may need to occur. You have the right to ask for what you need, you're the consumer, and you are you and in the end you are the expert on yourself.

 

[disconnect]

Your reply made a lot of sense, thank you. I'm really close to my T, so I know I can ask for what I need, but I don't think I know what that is? I do need to do some safety work though - it's a really big problem for me.

 

[Iam]

HI Disconnect. I have to say how impressed I am with you continuing to work thru this. I had a severe dissociation a few weeks ago that lasted for a couple of days. It was due to taking a step that my therapist suggested. A friend came a got me, took me to the coast for the day. On the way I cried in grief for the first time. After that the dissociation was so intense that I couldn't understand what our waitress was saying to me. I had to have my friend translate, no joke! We then went to the beach and she just held me while we watched the waves. That grounded me and pulled me out of it, I think because she made me feel safe and protected.

In retrospect, even though the dissociation was so traumatic in itself, I recognize it as a huge step forward. Knowing that makes me willing to keep trying to do the "hard" stuff.

When I have had a tough time of it, my T backs off for a session or two and lets me calm down a bit. Then we start in again on the next step.

Funny that you should comment on Krilco telling you that you are courageous. My T told me that in a reply to an email I sent him when I was freaking out about sending him a part of my timeline that really embarrassed me. "I have nothing but compassion and respect for your courageous journey". Somehow that statement made me feel ok, that he understood and respected me even though I feel so impure.

The truth is...you are courageous. You have made it this far when others would have quit and you are continuing your path in healing! You are an encouragement to us all ;o)

 

[alyxa]

I did six months of EMDR and it was very helpful, but very difficult. Sounds like you know you may need to break for a bit, then take another go at it. I am in that odd place feeling like I need to return to it, but unsure if I am stable enough or have proper support.

I would never allow myself to cry and it was this same therapist who helped me to understand that your brain will take a break. We only cry for periods of brief time and then we have to break and recharge and we may cry again. I think it helped me feel safer to let go and cry because I had some sense of not being out of control, vulnerable.

EMDR is tough; you are very brave!

 

[disconnect]

Thank you so much for your responses - it's so amazing to talk to others who can relate to situations and emotions. Reading the experiences with EMDR is really helpful to me and knowing that it's going to be insanely difficult, but it's OK, because it needs to happen for me to grow, 'let it go' and be able to move on.

 

[Iam]

Awesome Disconnect. I am looking forward to hearing about your progress. My T brought up trying EMDR and I kind of backed off because I was afraid it would be too intense considering I am terrified of being overwhelmed by emotion. You are doing great! Maybe I will be encouraged enough to try it ;o)

And Syrinx....whoa, the thought of actually crying in front of my T????? I think it is great that you can do that. Wish I could.....