Ending The Relationship? And A Bit Of A Life Update

[Matilda]

So I've been a bit MIA lately because my life has been steadily improving although I definitely have my off days. I recently noticed I've been steadily weaving my way through the steps of grief...if there's a word to describe this past year then it would be, hectic. I'm just hoping that I can get my somewhat on track again, but I just keep reminding myself that I need to take my time. There isn't anything wrong with me physically, but it still feels like I've been stuck in a mental wheelchair. But I'm taking some steps and life isn't as bleak as it was this past October.

Enough of that for now though. So in June I began a relationship with a boy that I've known for 4 years. We were always close friends and I had a bit of a crush for him for awhile. We finally decided to start dating in the summer and pretty much everyone I know was excited for us. He;s a great guy, well manned, and incredibly sweet, but lately I've wanted to end the relationship (not necessarily the friendship). I'm pretty sure this has to do with the ptsd and sexual abuse since I just don't like romantic relationships. But, so many people approve of him and he's just so infatuated with me that I'm truly scared of hurting him. I don't even has a good reason to end. Its just, I'm not ready to exert the type of energy which is needed to keep a dating relationship going specially since he's not an upfront guy at all. He's shy and quiet and is always scared of hurting me. It's frustrating... He's immature in some ways. I mean, we're both really young and I've gone through so much but he's gone through so little. There's just not much depth to him. I don't know. I hate the idea of hurting him and disappointing others. He's so sweet and he doesn't deserve this.

I talked to my therapist about this, but she said it was completely my choice and didn't say much else on the topic. Sometimes I feel like she just repeats the same information to me and never truly addresses my problems. I love her, but I don't think therapy has been helping much if at all in the past two months. I keep going though because it costs me nothing to see her which is a luxury I won't have with any other therapist.

 

[Kintsugi]

I've been through a situation like this, but I was really young. The next time it happened, I just never committed to the guy, but it was still a bit messy to end. All I can say is that if you aren't happy in the relationship, I think it's important to address that somehow.

Maybe this is more than you're willing to share, but how is the physical component of your relationship going? Is there intimacy?

 

[Matilda]

Hah, there's never been really any physical intimacy and that's mainly at my fault since I cringe at the idea of him even holding my hand. The most I do is a quick hug.

 

[Kintsugi]

I suspected that if you saw your boyfriend as innocent--clean is the word that comes to mind from my own experiences--that intimacy may be an issue. Of course, you may have the issue across the board due to your history. I have only had three physically intimate relationships, the first was abusive, but in the other two I had no problems with intimacy on either end. Those were the ones that lasted.