Epiphany - Breakthrough Cry

[Senecia]

Last night, I had this epiphany that hit me like a truck. I've known for a bit that the abuse I've endured for a long time has convinced me that I was "unworthy of love" if I messed up in any way. I was always striving for perfect and nothing less, and it crushed me when the PTSD and Depression started to prevent that from happening.

So this epiphany went back on the "unworthy of love" concept, of conditional worth. It's not just that I wasn't loved when I did something wrong - I was taught through abuse that my wishes and my hobbies, opinions, etc. were trivial and didn't matter. Especially if they upset someone else. I was taught to live my life for others, and that's a huge part of why I'm broken.

I feel purposeless, worthless, awful, because my sense of self hasn't been established by others and I'm not establishing it for myself. I'm not living my own life, I'm attempting to live for others, please others.

I cried my freaking eyes out, chest-heaving sobbing...realizing I have nothing because of what I was taught. My T says that I'm in the stage where I'm "rebuilding the fire" and searching for kindling. The things that are from me, my soul, not others' wishes. I'm still searching for kindling that makes my heart sing. It's hard, when I feel barren. I know it'll come though. Eventually.

It helped me realize other things too, why I comment on social media so much. Why I like to assert my opinion, and tremble when people 'attack' me on the Internet. I'm struggling to find my voice while searching for approval, and each disagreement is a shattering blow.

I suppose now, I have to rebuild me. Whatever "me" means, it feels so foreign when I say it now. Progress, though. It's progress.

 

[Teasel]

Oh @Senecia I relate so much to this too. I feel your pain.

I agree with you that it is progress too - makes me think of a quote by nietsche wierdly enough -

"Everyone who has ever built anywhere a "new heaven" first found the power thereto in his own hell." - Nietzsche

I feel like I hit a sort of rock bottom a while back too, and am trying to find out who I am. It's not an easy task when you've ptsd and dissociate most of the time, get triggered most of the time etc etc

But I can see that it's something that could be amazing in the future.

I'd love to hear any tips you discover on how you do this

All the best x

 

[Seasounds]

@Senecia, A very deep, dear, and cathartic breakthrough!

@Berlinda, loved your quote.

I still work at finding MY-SELF, for the same reasons you do. My latest tools are to log/note my physical and emotional reaction to something, (rather than be in ignore/freeze mode), and value myself by spending some time doing what 'appeals to me'. And when I share my opinion, if I start to shake afterwards, I will let myself move or walk-to release my anxiety, remind myself I'm safe, and connect to a safe friend.

 

[Go Hungry]

I ran into this same problem, long ago. I had a similar situation, where everything that I liked was ridiculed, anything that I achieved was discounted, and god help me, anything that I made was first used against me in any way possible, and then destroyed right in front of my face. I just crawled inward.. all of my accomplishments were kept secret, all of my stories stayed in my head, I didn't dare write down anything or show affection to anything, because I would be punished for it. So it took a long time, probably 5 years after I got away from them, before I could even stand to go out and by a book that involved my interests. I just kept it all hidden inside for so long that I had trouble bringing it out..

But I did eventually. I started with little steps, bought books from stores in other towns, made endeavours to communicate through covert channels. But I got there. This was back during the infancy of the internet, before a person could simply google and order things through Amazon. So I gathered my treasures and kept them secret. It worked.. Eventually I got out on my own completely and could make my place whatever I wanted.. So I did that.

I'm betting that the 'you' that you are looking to build is in there, buried deep down. While you construct a new life for 'you', don't ignore the ones deep inside... I'm betting they share a lot of interests with you. :)

 

[SabrinaB]

I'm 54 and most certainly didn't have the insight you already possess back when I was your age! Took me many years and numerous life experiences to gain that level of reflection.

Recently I've learned that we lose perspective when we're too close to an aspect of our life. This makes our problems seem overwhelming and all consuming. When we pull back (zoom out) we can start to see things in context. It looks like this is what your doing so kudos to you!

I do a lot of that breakthrough crying lately. Kind of a mixture of grief over what has been experienced or lost, combined with self-compassion for what I've been through or am still dealing with. Not necessarily cathartic, but feels cleansing nonetheless.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I have found quite recently that if I can't be there for myself, take care and nurture myself then I can't really be there for others. You are worthy of love, you are brave and your voice matters. We are here to listen and share this journey with you. Take it one step at a time. You are a survivor. That is a start. ;)