Everything feels like it's falling apart

[Theasylumsystem]

I've regressed a lot. I had to quit my job. My biological brother had two heart attacks and is now permanently disabled. My family has just been shoved in my face all this past month. My bio dad wants me to just "Bury the hatchet" with my mom and go check on my brother every day. I can't. I physically cannot be around my bio mom. She hurts me so deeply every time we talk. I wasn't doing well before all this happened, and now that all this has happened, I wake up every day immediately wanting to kill myself. I'm trying. I'm really trying but every time shit like this happens I just immediately want to die.

 

[Sideways]

That’s a lot! I love that you’re holding boundaries for yourself with your bio mum.

Hope that maybe you can find some more ways to be gentle with yourself through this period. What happened to your brother is tragic and unfair for him - but it’s not a problem you have to solve. Your single most important priority is looking after yourself first.

 

[KA60]

I understand and have been where you are in the past and am here again with my dad. Take care of you. People who say things like bury the hatchet just get over it etc do not understand trauma is in the nervous system and we need to continually adjust our responses so we make good decisions stay healthy etc. We have to change. Other peiole who are toxic will not. That may mean a relationship ends. Only you can decide.

I will add the situation about my father currently that was the straw that broke the camels back. I made the mistake of telling him that an employee of our dollar smoked cbd in the store parking lot while on duty blowing it in my face while discussing her financial issues. My fathers response was you should not be so retaliatory. Just let things go. Whew! I was in no way retaliatory. She broke NM state laws by doing this. She also got fired . This is my father.

My family has its own history of transgenerstional trauma not health with. I am doing this as it passed to me. I began listening to Kenneth Wise. He for me is a review of my trauma recovery and domestic violence treatment. I stopped calling my father. So he is now calling me asking me what is wrong are you ok? I will talk to him but using this technique- BIFF. Brief Informative factual friendly. He and my mother - now deceased- have this pattern..So. i have a disclaimer of inheirtance typed on my phone . To print out. He is 89. My brother who is the golden child may try to dangle inheirtancd in front of me but only if I agree to dysfunctional beliefs and demands. No. I don't need or want it. I want peace and a peaceful legal non conflicting way to end this. I have consulted an attorney about this. It is ok. It is filed within 9 months of a death. My father said yesterday after we talked for less than 5 minutes ok I will call you again in a week. If the tone or words in his calls escalates or he calls my husband- my mother has before when she was alive because I did not return her calls- I will go no contact. This is not the first time I have used no contact. My issue was not sticking to it due to Shame guilt cycle. Yes I made mistakes. But I worked on me etc. And I did not ask for them as parents nor was I the problem. But they sure told me it was always my fault.