A
AnonymousS
Hi there. My life is ok for now but i feel haunted by the past.
When i was a kid my dad was really abusive (physically and emotionally )towards my mother or my older brother. He was really strict and just would fight for anything, even things he was at fault he would just blame mom instead.
Now he has changed quite a lot i dont know if its because he got older or if there is another reason but he is still emotionally abusive. I am almost 20 now ..to be honest as I remember I wasn't suffering that much because of it after the traumatic experience but recently like last 2 years i feel like my trauma is growing bigger and bigger.
Whenever someone is arguing with someone loudly i just cant stand it
...i have increased heart rate and I feel like something really bad is going to happen
...I am having so many flashbacks from my childhood at really random moments of my life
...I can’t stand some specific words and i feel intense fear whenever my dad is shouting even if he is talking to other people.
... If he gets mad at me for something really simple i know he won't harm me in any way but i just can't stop fearing it ... that's why most of the times i try to do whatever he wants ... because i really cant listen or see him angry.
... I noticed that that thing started generalizing and so whenever i feel like someone is mad at me i am scared...i am really scared ...i dont know why now..i was okay after my traumatic experience but now i just can't.
As a person i am an introvert i dont have many friends more like 1-2 and I am not completely honest or open to them..in fact i have never talked to anyone about these things.. after all its embarrassing isn't it?
Sometimes i feel like i am pitying my old self...like i am separating my old self from my current one as if we were different people and i just wish my current self could protect my kid self...
I dont know why i am posting this here ...i just don't know who to talk to about this thing. I am really shy as a person and talking anonymously is easier for me. Maybe people here experienced something similar... maybe that would make me feel better or maybe it would increase my hate for this world.. because other people experienced same horrific things as i did... because feelings of fear...are really scary to have...
When i was a kid my dad was really abusive (physically and emotionally )towards my mother or my older brother. He was really strict and just would fight for anything, even things he was at fault he would just blame mom instead.
Now he has changed quite a lot i dont know if its because he got older or if there is another reason but he is still emotionally abusive. I am almost 20 now ..to be honest as I remember I wasn't suffering that much because of it after the traumatic experience but recently like last 2 years i feel like my trauma is growing bigger and bigger.
Whenever someone is arguing with someone loudly i just cant stand it
...i have increased heart rate and I feel like something really bad is going to happen
...I am having so many flashbacks from my childhood at really random moments of my life
...I can’t stand some specific words and i feel intense fear whenever my dad is shouting even if he is talking to other people.
... If he gets mad at me for something really simple i know he won't harm me in any way but i just can't stop fearing it ... that's why most of the times i try to do whatever he wants ... because i really cant listen or see him angry.
... I noticed that that thing started generalizing and so whenever i feel like someone is mad at me i am scared...i am really scared ...i dont know why now..i was okay after my traumatic experience but now i just can't.
As a person i am an introvert i dont have many friends more like 1-2 and I am not completely honest or open to them..in fact i have never talked to anyone about these things.. after all its embarrassing isn't it?
Sometimes i feel like i am pitying my old self...like i am separating my old self from my current one as if we were different people and i just wish my current self could protect my kid self...
I dont know why i am posting this here ...i just don't know who to talk to about this thing. I am really shy as a person and talking anonymously is easier for me. Maybe people here experienced something similar... maybe that would make me feel better or maybe it would increase my hate for this world.. because other people experienced same horrific things as i did... because feelings of fear...are really scary to have...
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