Fear of Sobriety

[frogthroat]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this thread but it seemed most appropriate to put it here. Also, this will be TLDR so just a warning.

I've been in therapy for almost a year with a trauma therapist. I'm doing exceptionally well and I've made huge progress. I'm at the point where I realize PTSD is a mental illness and it needs to be monitored because it's a part of my severe depression. I have a habit of blowing it off, making excuses , and then consequently having a terrible depressive episode that can last for days. This is nowhere near as bad as it was when I was severely depressed for months on end but I'm at a pivotal point in therapy and I'm terrified because I don't trust myself.

T told me to stop drinking. She said it interferes with processing and will bring memories up. She said I'll be stuck longer if I don't let it go. Drinking has been my go to during periods of PTSD hell and yet it makes everything worse. I don't want to use depression or PTSD as an excuse to drink anymore. It's important for me to have as much control over this as I can.

My family are alcoholics. Everyone drinks. This is stupid but I feel like I'm losing a crutch and part of who I am. I want to be healthy. I want to grow emotionally. I know booze has to go. I'm just wondering should I maybe join an AA group or something right now? I've made an exercise schedule and I'm tackling my disordered eating with pre-cooked and pre-portioned meals. I've afraid of cracking when I hit a low point. I know the first month is going to suck. Any advice? I don't have real life support besides my therapist.

 

[Ronin]

What other coping mechanisms are there you could use in place of drinking?
And, were there any times you were not drinking, or were drinking less, that you could use in that transition (to grab motivation, sense of self worth, sense of security, sense of it gets better and trying is worth it)?

Do you have any dual substance abuse / trauma treatment programs, where you are?

Also, what is the Ts plan of your quitting, for both the bottle and therapy pace, themes, timing and showing up and other adjustments?

 

[Friday]

This is stupid but I feel like I'm losing a crutch and part of who I am

It’s not stupid. You are losing a crutch (make sure to replace it with at least 2, if not 3 or 4 or more different go-to coping mechanisms that cover the different parts alcohol did for you... my experience is that there is no single coping mechanism which can straight up replace a different coping mechanism. So finding a couple few that hit the different facets of the one? Is very very necessary to avoid turning back to the one for the missing pieces), & If part of your identity includes drinking? Then that part is changing. No different than if part of your identity was as a “climber” and you quit rock climbing.

Just because it’s a healthy choice doesn’t mean that there aren’t going to be problems associated with it. There are, and will be, and that’s totally normal.

More in a bit, just wanted to highlight that being aware of very real pieces that make quitting drinking a problem for you? Is a good thing (it lets you plan for it instead of being smacked upside the head out of the blue), and a real thing, not making excuses or stupid.

 

[frogthroat]

What other coping mechanisms are there you could use in place of drinking?
And, were there any times you were not drinking, or were drinking less, that you could use in that transition (to grab motivation, sense of self worth, sense of security, sense of it gets better and trying is worth it)?

Exercise, eating healthy, and having a scheduled time for sleep is something I've planned out. I also thought meditation and joining a support group would help right now. I can put unpleasant emotions "in the box" now. I just have to catch myself before I fall into a depressive episode.

Also, what is the Ts plan of your quitting, for both the bottle and therapy pace, themes, timing and showing up and other adjustments?

That is something I have to ask and have been thinking about. I'm thinking she wants to monitor me while I quit drinking and wants to make sure I have other go to plans of coping before she's ready to start easing me out of therapy.

my experience is that there is no single coping mechanism which can straight up replace a different coping mechanism. So finding a couple few that hit the different facets of the one? Is very very necessary to avoid turning back to the one for the missing pieces), & If part of your identity includes drinking? Then that part is changing. No different than if part of your identity was as a “climber” and you quit rock climbing.

Yes, this is frightening to me. I'm afraid of what it's going to be like without alcohol when that first low hits. I know they're just feelings but obviously I've never managed them well. Plus, I don't want to turn to food which is equally as bad in a different way. It's like I'm in this weird place where I have to be a motivational speaker for myself, make myself do the things I know are important for recovery, while at the same time allowing myself to grieve. Whoo, goddamn. That's a whole lot to unscramble and organize. It's something I want to plan out in my next session.

 

[Ronin]

I have to be a motivational speaker for myself, make myself do the things I know are important for recovery, while at the same time allowing myself to grieve. Whoo, goddamn.

Alternating, then?
As in, one moment doing the forward, the other back.

Not simultaneously, not extended of either (or not like, stretched beyond limits... requires finding where those limits are, and how to recognize them. I use changes in suicidality for that, knowing when to stop, but not sure what your brakes are, in processing.)

 

[Friday]

I'm afraid of what it's going to be like without alcohol when that first low hits.

A trick... is not to wait for the first low. But to be using those coping methods well before it does, both to delay the low & so that they’re already solid pieces of you life that are natural to turn to.

As an example, if you love that warm from the inside out blush that happens? Getting in the habit of making a hot drink before stepping into a hot shower or bath a couple times a day... not for the hygiene, but for the sensory ahhhhhh... crosses that right off the list (or starts to) one of the things you’re missing. Ditto look for other sensory tricks & physical mimics that you can bring into your life. Even what may seem totally silly (like spinning around in circles until you’re dizzy just for the fun of it, or doing sit-ups when you’d expect to be puking; it’s the little things more often than not that make a thing easy vs hard)

If there’s “done for the day” or conversely “time to get started!” piece? Making sure to include bookends of another kind (just like when quitting smoking, still going outside for a 5 minute walk) to begin and cap your day.

Whilst adding something big as a substitute can be super useful (like exercising instead of drinking), it’s all the little things, I’ve found that stack up and help the most.

 

[hithere]

I was posting on here awhile ago about this same thing, asking if AA is valuable. I didn't know how to stop drinking. I had very uncomfortable session with my therapist about drinking. I spent an entire six months "tracking" my drinking (there are some good apps out there) The truth is the drinking did hinder the progress of therapy during exposure. In fact the exposure sessions would cause all this shit to be stirred up in me, I'd become very hyper, and I'd drink more than I wanted.

So many of your realizations and the things you write about fear of giving it up I also dealt with. Today I am actually "celebrating" months of not craving alcohol and not drinking as much. I have cut down to about one "unit" every 7 days. I want to get it down to zero because it takes the body a minimum of 10 days to get rid of the toxins of alcohol. That is the main motivator that got me to quit. The correlation between just one drink a week and cancer is very high. If my immune system is constantly dealing with the toxins of alcohol it's a stressor when it deals with all the other natural toxins I'm ingesting just by living. So now I know why people say they "celebrate" their sobriety because it really feels good to go a week without craving alcohol. It's now a positive in my life. I just went through deep dark depressive spell with SI AND I did not drink. I used other things to get through (like this forum)

I didn't go to AA. I met an AA member privately and it was so shaming and toxic I realized I could not go there. BUT it works wonders for her! If I fall in the drinking habit again, which if history repeats itself I may, I'll try AA. For now-all my worries about quitting were just the addiction not wanting to leave and telling me all kinds of worrisome nonsense.

 

[frogthroat]

A trick... is not to wait for the first low. But to be using those coping methods well before it does, both to delay the low & so that they’re already solid pieces of you life that are natural to turn to.

I've been doing that much better. I still go in and out of robot mode and good isn't something I feel much of yet but it's really a training process. I just want to be really good at better coping mechanisms for when that unexpected blow hits. I do okay with everyday stressors now. I worry about facing bigger issues. Plus, I know I'm in the awkward limbo stage of getting better right now and I pick at myself because I feel like my motivation isn't coming back fast enough. I need to do more with myself blah blah. I have those types of thoughts that don't help.

In fact the exposure sessions would cause all this shit to be stirred up in me, I'd become very hyper, and I'd drink more than I wanted.

Yes, that happened with me too. Luckily, my exposure sessions are over now. T says let the stuff process now. There's no need to bring up anymore and I don't have to remember everything. I'm in that sleepless part of processing where nightmares wake me up 3 to 4 times a night and sometimes I have the physical pain and sensations of things that happened. It's a big fight right now to let it go. It's like with PTSD your body throws a shit fit when you're ready to move on.

Getting in the habit of making a hot drink before stepping into a hot shower or bath a couple times a day... not for the hygiene, but for the sensory ahhhhhh... crosses that right off the list (or starts to) one of the things you’re missing. Ditto look for other sensory tricks & physical mimics that you can bring into your life

That is good advice. No one would know it because I'm fat now but I was SUPER active as a kid. I'm really high strung so I know making myself move is going to help tremendously. I want to try the shower thing too. I think having my day planned out hour by hour might help as well.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@RuffledFeathers - So sorry you are dealing with both alcohol and disordered eating. I can very much relate. Unfortunately, I'm in the fray along with you.

You asked about support groups... I tried 3 AA meetings and found them rowdy and kind of jarring. Even the women's group freaked me out and I knew people there from my Al Anon group! Give it a try though; you might luck into a great group. Since you grew up in an alcoholic home and are still surrounded by those who actively drink, I'd suggest Al Anon or even Adult Child of Alcoholic programs as well. I found Al Anon to be gentler than ACA/ACOA meetings. Because of my trauma history, the ACOA meetings I attended were horribly triggering. There were many wounded people and so much raw emotion; it was hard to take all of that in. It all depends on the group though; each one is different. I just want you to be aware that it can be triggering when people are sharing their experiences and challenges along with their experience, strength and hope.

Then there are the eating disorder groups: I tried OA (Overeaters Anon) and EDA (Eating Disorders Anon). I went to OA for a time and found a good group. All types of eating disordered folks go to OA, FYI. I loved EDA. It has a very gentle and supportive approach, and my group was very sweet and kind. You can check out their website as they share their program online as well as in person at meetings.

If you want a faith-based approach, there is always Celebrate Recovery. Mixed experiences and emotions there.

If you choose to go to any 12-step group, you'll want to try out a variety of meetings as each has its own personality of sorts. I was lucky to find 2 wonderful Al Anon groups with a lot of recovery in the room and a great EDA group. Keep in mind that everyone is at different points in their healing in these groups, so be aware and protect yourself.

Oh, and there is also SMART Recovery which is an online program for stopping drinking. Check it out and see what you think. I'm going to look into that again myself.

It's good that you've gotten a plan of sorts together and that you have T on board to help you along, that you are seeking support here and also in real-time from groups.

One last note, if you are actively drinking a good amount each day, you might also want to work with your doctor when detoxing.

Best to you. VB

 

[Deanna]

The correlation between just one drink a week and cancer is very high. If my immune system is constantly dealing with the toxins of alcohol it's a stressor when it deals with all the other natural toxins I'm ingesting just by living. S

So true. Alcohol is like a disease running through your system, mainly destroying the immune system. The liver has to work 10 times harder and process the toxicity. Your body starts swelling and bloating. Isn't worth all that cr$p and damn straight it's like a cancer. Good realization!

 

[hithere]

Since you asked for suggestions, here is what helped me. When I stopped drinking I would become anxious through the roof. I was so hyper active. I cooked a lot-a busy, messy activity. I would blare the music so loud, I don't know why the cooking and loud music but it helped. I would have carbonated water in a wine glass with a shot of apple cider vinegar, a shake of cayenne powder, and a pinch of ginger. This helped me "feel" like I was drinking kind of. Then I had to get through the next few hours before trying to sleep. I too had the nightmares (still have some) and then insominia. But hot herbal tea with a bit of honey and lemon helped me calm down after really hot shower. I focused on getting comfortable. Then there were times I couldn't help it, I used valium. I don't use valium very much anymore at all. but that first month of quitting I did. I only used a half dose.

I could not go out with my friends which made me sad and lonely, but it is what it is. Someone on the forum recommended a program called Smart Program. My city has one but I didn't use it. I was offered a drug and alcohol outpatient program and it probably would have helped, but I didn't use it. You may have one available. I was told I could use their program which is a daily program and still use my t for exposure therapy.

Really I think you will find a way to make it work. The key is to NOT GET CONTROL -- because the whole thing is about control. It is not will power, I'll tell you that. It's a sort of zen thing in a way. The moment you try to control to "not" drink is the moment of the slippery slope. It isn't will power because will power is worthless. I may have will power to write a paper or do a project, but my will did not serve me in stopping drinking. It sounds so cliche but it really was "let go" feeling when I wanted to drink. Like an observance of the feeling and the desire and only an observance. hard to put in words. but you can do it!

 

[frogthroat]

Really I think you will find a way to make it work. The key is to NOT GET CONTROL -- because the whole thing is about control.

I get what you're trying to say. Do it but don't fight with it. I can have a plan but if I really think I might drink I might allow myself a pop or a cookie or something the first couple weeks. I'm anxious too. I don't know what it is but I'm terrified of not being able to care for myself even though I already do. Idk why I would be less capable without alcohol. I would be even more capable but I have this weird emptiness that is almost unbearable at times. It's a weird place to be. I'm doing well I just can't see it yet and it's for my brain to trick me into thinking I'm failing at everything. My T says depression and alcohol go together and they're both coping mechanisms that are no longer useful but it takes time to feel good again. I just have to trust this process and realize the anxiety is a lie and my brain is trying to trick me.