Body contact with males is not easy... anyways an atracker could be a male so I must overcome that fear
I don't think I could bring myself to do any sort of physical self defense training. At least for the time being. I also have very little desire to do it, even though it would help me be safer. I really hate anything fighty ;_;
One day, if I ever feel healed and well enough to do so, I would like to start concealed carrying every time I leave the house, like I used to for years. It didn't make scary situations any less scary, it just made me feel very afraid of the possibility that someone might make me have to use it in self defense. I didn't feel defenseless like I do right now, but I was f*cking -TERRIFIED- the one time that I thought I might have to use it. I had my hand in a shooting grip, with the gun still in the holster, and my other hand pulling my shirt down over it all to conceal my draw and the fact that I had my hand holding a gun.
him at that moment, after he saw me reach under my shirt: "WACHU DOIN?! WACHU GONNA DO!??! WACHU GONNA DO HUH!?!?"
me (highly freaking out, while everything felt so unreal): "i dont want any trouble" as calm as i could manage
I just kept repeating that. One of his friends grabbed him and pulled him away and pulled him out the door.
The guy had been threatening to kill me, beat me up, wait till I got off of work and then f*ck me up when I left the store, all sorts of stuff. He was right up against the counter - also blocking me from exiting, trapping me behind the counter, because to get out from behind there I'd have to get even closer to him. He was slamming against the counter. I felt like he was about to either jump over it or come around it (either of which would take maybe 1-2 seconds), and I was thinking to myself - if he starts coming over/around the counter you have to shoot him, and that was a f*cking terrifying thought. It's really scary when you actually think you might have to potentially kill someone, so that you don't get f*cked up yourself. That in and of itself kind of makes me think I should just carry pepper spray or something, instead. I don't know if I could handle that again, especially now.
Anyway... sorry for rambling.
Body contact with males or females is currently a problem for me, though it is less of an issue with females. My female physical therapist's touches did not make me as panicky as the male doctor who checked out my knee (I just wanted the first appointment available and had no idea I'd have that reaction before going in - whoops). The female physical therapists touches were within the toleration threshold but I really had to try to keep my shit together at times. She did a deep tissue massage once... big mistake. I mean, it did legit help my knee feel better, but the lubricant she squirted on looked like cum and it just triggered the everliving shit out of me, if I knew a white liquid was about to be squirted onto me I would not have said "sure" to it, lol. Not that I blame her, she had no way of knowing. It was very jarring. I held it together, though, somehow. Really had to focus on my breathing and try to ground. I coudn't bring myself to say "stop" - I think that's another issue I have. I am so used to "stop" meaning nothing.
