Feel Like Time Is Running Out

[trying to heal]

I am fairly new hear and don't really know what I want to say ...I survived Christmas only because I had some space to hide out in my house that was nice and quite and I could feel safe and alone... today my brother and his family are arriving and I feel sick and trapped as there will be nowhere in the house that will be quiet or safe to hide out. I have had suicide ideation for a couple of weeks and my T put me on contract a few weeks ago but that has since passed and I won't see her for another week and a bit. My thoughts have moved from vague thoughts to a more detailed plan but no set timeline as yet but could be improvised very easily. I need to be functional and together for my nieces and nephew but currently, I just feel very nauseated, teary and have a nasty headache looming. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to do here .. just reaching out cause I don't feel safe I guess.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

That feeling of "having to be functional" for others is really hard especially when it's kids. And no place to take a break in is really hard. I always like people to come to my house (thankfully it's not usually overnight guests) because then I know there is some place to escape to when things are overwhelming. Would you be able to get outside and go for a walk alone (if that's something you like to do, I know it can be hard for some people, myself included)?

I never feel safe. I don't believe in the word safe. It's not a concept I can even imagine. Sometimes it's a not safe from myself and sometimes it's a not safe from others or from potential circumstances. So not feeling safe is something I can relate to.

I don't know if any of that helped, but I just wanted you to know what I was reading what you wrote and that it matters even if I can't to anything to make you feel safer.

 

[joeylittle]

I just feel very nauseated, teary and have a nasty headache looming. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to do here .. just reaching out cause I don't feel safe I guess.

Do you have access to your T in-between sessions? Might be a good time to call. You could also just decide to renew the contract on your own - I know that sounds perhaps silly, but the contract works because of how you choose to invest in it. If you can invest in it again, just give it an extension.

And keep posting. Often, just releasing the pressure (by sharing what you are feeling) goes a long way towards helping. If you want to talk with an actual person, you should give your local crisis services a try.

 

[Friday]

It's okay to be sick in bed, you know. Migraines run in my family, so have an easy out of just saying I need to go lie down somewhere dark & quiet for a few hours. Not exactly lying, as that's 100% true, I also know they're making a connection that isn't true. It gets me what I need, & let's them go about their lives all perfectly happy / not waiting on me (because migraines take hours at a minimum, and often a whole day, so if someone goes to lie down with a headache, they'd ex X'd off of plans for the rest of the day).

 

[trying to heal]

Follow up... I have a long history with migraines so when they announced that they were all going to the beach today I could truthfully say I had a migraine so I could stay home. Woke up this morning in full blown panic attack as I could hear people outside my bedroom...and then when I finally got up was in trouble because I had shut my door and my cat was upset cause he couldnt get in.

 

[trying to heal]

Do you have access to your T in-between sessions? Might be a good time to call. You could also jus...

No My T got me in for the first day she was back in her office so that is as soon as I can actually get in. My GP is also on break for this week. I might think about doing the self-contract idea as I think my T would like that idea.

 

[trying to heal]

That feeling of "having to be functional" for others is really hard especially when it's k...

I live in a state of hyper-vigilance so never feeling safe is normal... its just the degree that changes. I feel bad that I am not the "fun" auntie the kids are used to. I just don't have the energy I used to, to put the facade on that I did when I last saw them. I just want to hide in my room but that is not allowed and I keep getting in trouble when I disappear.
I know I will have to find some energy somewhere this afternoon when they all get back so it may mean I need to medicate myself which I try not to do too often.

I still haven't recovered properly from this morning's panic attack and just the thought of them coming home is making me feel ill.