"feelings" Are Something You're Supposed To Talk About?

[scout86]

I'm not sure this is the right place to put this. (Mods, I trust your judgement on that!) I'm hoping to get feedback from people with really diverse thoughts on the subject.

Awhile back, my T suggested I watch the movie "Inside Out'. He said, a long time ago, that he thinks I'm not very connected with my feelings. (I have "feelings"? :wideeyed:)

So, I watched the movie & we talked about it a little, He said to watch it again and take notes. :rolleyes: The NEXT time we talked about it, 2 weeks ago, he got off on "things he thought had been left out and how could they be included". I asked what he meant, he said, "Well, for example, I think they should have included "being vulnerable" as a thing you can feel." (I'm now measuring the distance to the door in my head and wondering if I can beat him there.) But, I decided to stay with the conversation, so I asked him to elaborate. (Stalling for time and the appearance of a potential escape route!) He said, "Well, you know, like sometimes you trust the wrong person and it turns out badly." (This was NOT where I thought he was going!) That I could deal with. With a certain amount of relish, I said I could easily see how they could have included that. The main character is 11 or so and she runs away from home. Gets on a bus full of strangers to go back to her old town, then decides to go back to her folks instead, and does. I said, "Well, when she got on that bus. THAT could have gone a lot differently. Yep, I can imagine a lot of ways they could have showed "vulnerable", but it would have made it a much different movie and no one would have wanted to watch it."

About then, I noticed he had a rather hard to read expression on his face. Not quite sure why......

Last week, at the beginning of the session, he said, "So, are we going to talk about being vulnerable today?" I asked if we had to, he laughed and said "no", then we talked about it anyway. :banghead: But, it was a nice, safe, easy conversation, that left me totally creeped out. :bag:

We get a lot of questions here from supporters wondering how to get "their sufferer" to talk about their feelings and what's going on in their heads. What is the DEAL with this? I'm serious! I totally don't get it and would really like to understand.

I mean, it's a trick of some kind, right? People might occasionally want to know what I think, but I can't conceive of a reason why they'd want to know how I "feel". Unless they're planning to use it against me somehow. Heck, I don't even want to know how I feel! Like the bad bus ride scenario, these are NOT places people want to go! Do they? They just THINK they do, right?

Had a similar conversation with T about "talking about stuff". He claims it's helpful. I said, "I don't get that. It's not actually going to CHANGE anything." He said that was logical enough, but incorrect, although he could see how it would seem that way if you had very little experience with "talking about stuff" working.

Once again, I totally don't get it. What's the value in rehashing ancient history? (OK, T says there's concrete evidence that shows it can produce changes in the brain that might be good. :rolleyes:)

I have a feeling he's not going to give up on this, what ever it is he's trying to do.:arghh; So, I'd value some input that might help me defend myself. :ninja:

Some of you see this differently than I do, I'm sure. Can you explain the alternative versions of reality? Thanks!

 

[Mallaky]

"Well, for example, I think they should have included "being vulnerable" as a thing you can feel."

Jesus Christ. That movie was literally about allowing vulnerability by not pushing away sadness. I can't even ....

Anyway, I don't understand your problem. Thoughts and emotions are the two things that make you you, there is nothing else to a person. If you have no access to one of those, then you are ignoring half of you. Depression, anxiety all those things are rooted as much in emotions as they are in thoughts. I am always interested in what people feel, often more interested than in what they think.

 

[atwistedfate]

Ok so from what I have seen when people hide things ie feelings shit goes wrong. My parents have been married for 44 years and they don't hide anything from each other so I say being open is a good thing

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Hmmm….. interesting.

as much in emotions as they are in thoughts. I am always interested in what people feel, often more interested than in what they think.

T only one I have worked with (???) and only for a few months. T was pushing for EMDR, and I had just been violently assaulted at a neighbors. T had given me some print out chapters to work through for understanding. Question I asked was what is the difference between thoughts and emotions. Next week before our session she called and left VM dumping me. I had also told her that as my external life was also very unstable that EMDR was probably not a good thing to expose my self too. We talked a bit about that and then I dissociated. Then the phone call. No new T since then.

Thoughts and emotions are very interconnected to me. Fear - thought process or emotional process. Untangle, ok, fear based on tangible, perceived, - is fear a thought or emotion?

 

[Ava Jarvis]

When we engage in expressions that are centered around our thoughts and feelings, we process those thoughts and feelings.

Without processing, there is no change.

Without change, there is no healing.

Expression forces us to re-process the past, forces us to make the past concrete. In turning something from fluffy, nebulous thought to cold, hard words on a page, words spoken, images on a canvas... We transmute the past.

Talking about feelings is processing the past. It is the easiest way to do so, even if at first it feels like pulling teeth. You can do it in other ways—writing is a good one, art is another—but the center of processing is always expression.

Without processing? No change.

Without change? No healing.

Without healing?

It's just you in a room with your trauma, unprocessed and raw. It's like being in a room with a hungry tiger. It's not, I believe, generally a good idea.

 

[scout86]

Jesus Christ. That movie was literally about allowing vulnerability by not pushing away sadness. I can'...

Well, that might have been obvious to YOU.

 

[scout86]

(Trying to do this from my phone and having trouble!) What I got was that, apparently there's more to "sadness" than it's the price you pay for letting something matter to you. I honestly haven't quite figured it out yet. It was an interesting and weird movie.

 

[Friday]

Acting on feelings? I'm good at that.

Talking about feelings? Just shoot me.

<wryly> More later, maybe. Talking about talking about feelings comes perilously close to to talking about feelings ;)

 

[shimmerz]

I think in order to speak about feelings, one must have felt them first. Feeling is about acknowledging them, identifying them and how they feel in your body, and then given a word to them so that in the future, you know what 'that feeling' is. Feelings provide us with a road map for our safe passage in life. They help us determine what we can safely and happily do in life.

So, if you take me, for example, the chick who doesn't feel pain. Not feeling pain, acknowledging pain, identifying pain or giving pain a word so that in the future I know what to keep away from is a fairly dangerous thing.

Take a hot stove for example. I know intellectually that I should not touch a burner that has been turned on. How do I know it had been turned on? It is red. Or it feels warm over top of it. That colour or heat is an intellectual cue NOT to touch it (for me).

The other day I took a dish out of the oven (broiler actually) (with an oven mit) and placed the dish on the stovetop. Then I picked up the dish to put it back into the oven. As I picked it up, about halfway back to the oven, my hand let go of the dish (presumably because it was being burned). I didn't worry much about the burn, just cursed and swore at myself for being so stupid. My SO fussed all over the place about the burn. I thought he was being ridiculous, to be honest. Because it didn't MATTER to me. Because I didn't feel it. So WTF was his problem?

Regardless, I had a large and deep burn on my hand. Whether I could feel it or not. Whether I could identify it or not. Whether I cared about it or not. A problem can be there whether we choose to see it or not. Whether we have been trained not to see it or not.

Just like your feelings. You may not feel your feelings, but they are there.... it most likely was that having feelings wasn't an asset to you, given the way you were raised. Just like the burn I got, just because you don't feel it, doesn't mean there isn't damage happening because you aren't seeing the warning signs that feelings are meant to give you to 'steer clear', 'don't do that or you will hurt yourself', 'keep clear of the goon who gives you that creepy feeling' and so on.

No idea if this helps or not. If not, just ignore.

 

[Saria]

I hated when I first got in touch with my emotions, because it was so unbelievably painful! There's a reason for why they were pushed away in the first place. And when I had my wall up it felt like it didn't make a difference at all what I was talking about in therapy. But I think it can be helpful, even when it doesn't feel like it. As long as you have a good relationship/"alliance" with your therapist.

Dan Siegel has done a lot of research on the neural mechanisms related to emotions and interpersonal neurobiology in general, and explains in an easy way how connecting to people and naming their current emotion actually calms down the limbic system. You might wanna check this out:

It's a parenting movie about how to calm down intense emotions, but I think it's relevant here as well. At least for me, it explains how connecting and talking to a person about ones emotions can be helpful, and how it affects the brain.

 

[atwistedfate]

I think in order to speak about feelings, one must have felt them first. Feeling is about ackn...

Evryone has feelings it what we do with them is on use

 

[shimmerz]

Evryone has feelings

Not everyone has been allowed to be in contact with them. Some of us need to learn what they are and what to do about them.