Feels Like I'm Waging A War

[ladee]

Yay for getting some stuff done. I live in a small trailer.
If I have to move again..I'm am taking out what I need and want...and setting fire to it. I am a."problem solver". Ha!

 

[Bananie]

yehz!!! I need you on my team!

 

[Bananie]

Well. I'm moved.
Yay.
I have definitely just turned feelings off.
It's not bad, really.
Just gotta get used to it.
Or, don't.
And move again quickly.
This too shall pass.

 

[Bananie]

Sonofanutcracker.
I dont think I'm overly dependant on T, but after a kinda intense two weeks, I was looking forward to my appointment today.
That got cancelled a little bit ago.
That's a lotta dimp.
Cause now I have unplanned downtime. To sit and realize what's going on. Remember I don't have internet cause my friends partner doesn't want me here so he won't let me use the WiFi. Gonna try to switch my service address with the provider I had, but, i have to pay them first. And I will. After I get paid. On Wednesday .
I also had an appointment for a new Dr today, that they called yesterday to reschedule.
I have one scheduled at 330 for fillings. I might just go ahead and cancel that one myself.
I wonder if I could fall back asleep.
Put on a movie.
Sit back. See what happens.
At least I'm going to see trainspotting 2 today! Yay!
At least it's just stupid little annoying things happening. Nothing catastrophic.
What wasn't asking for a challenge, universe. I still find these little things challenging, please don't add to it.
Ok. Kept DVDS in case of internetlessness, but also packed them in a bit important box, thinking I'd have internet. Think think think bananie. Which box? I don't think putting a movie on and getting under a blanket is a bad idea.
And there, you almost forgot about the cancelled appointment.

 

[Bananie]

Trying not to freak out, I logged into my health care account, and all of my future scheduled appointments with t have disappeared. I'm hoping its just a site error, or clerical error. But what if he just cancelled them all. Like, I'm not necessarily thinking just mine, well I sort of am, but, what if he just isn't going back to the clinic.
It's whatever. I guess.
And I can't find out until tomorrow.
And I'm torn as to when to sleep. I kinda want to just go now, my normal response to just being done with things. But, I work an overnight tomorrow. So if I sleep now I'll wake up early and if I can't nap then I'm up all night. Oh who cares. I need to stop worrying so dang much. I'm finally "drawing" something again. It's been awhile.
Shut your fingers bananie. You're boring.

 

[Bananie]

Yeah. He f*cking left. f*ck.
"You'll get a letter soon with your me therapist's name."
Not even a goodbye?
That's cold.

 

[Bananie]

Well, after a few weeks of relative...calm in me? Oh the anger. It's SO back.
Was I just stuffing it down, or piling it on, until the little things make me snap. Started the new job. It's mostly overnights. Getting used to that. Last night was up to 4am this morning, and now I'm back 2pm to 10pm. And it's taxi dispatch. And i thought it was fun, but I bloody hate it right now. People are annoying as eff. I'm tired of life with no internet at home, even though I know I don't *need* it. And most of all, I'm so mad that my therapist just bounced.
Yeah, he's there at the place through the 14th. Would I have received a call? I dunno. But I e-mailed him to see if I can switch to his private practice. Haven't heard back. Fear the worst. I hate myself for still not having my license and a car. I got out at 4am, to take a taxi home is 20 bucks. So I have to work two hours to pay for it. Technically, more, cause, of course, taxes. And then to get the bus back, i have to leave at 1230, to get to the transit center, to get the second bus to work, but today, the bus coming in was late, and I missed the lineup, so I had to get a taxi in.
I hate me. I don't care that this is all fine, it's not all fine.

 

[Bananie]

Torturous shift.
Hyperbole, of course.
When things get to this, I always realize, I'm the problem. My attitude. Me. Im wrong. I'm a problem. Over and over, I f*ck things up. The easiest step is to remove me from the equation.
Even my go to answer is hyperbolic.
But I can't leave pookster.
So there goes that.
Distract distract distract yourself. Make another one of your dumb drawings.

 

[ladee]

Your T leaving with no goodbye is crappy on so many levels..... just straight up wrong !! At least you will have a new one... and start the whole 'TRUST' thing again.... you are nicer than me.... my email to him would not have asked to go with him....
Hang in here and no you can't leave pookster !!! Nope, nada, no...

 

[Bananie]

I did think "I could just take her along with me..." but I can't kill my cat. Or me, i guess. I never have been able to. Not even past thinking about it.
Other than things that will kill me slowly.
I don't think I'll continue with therapy. Not with anyone else at that place. I do want to try more emdr. No one else there does that. I don't think at any clinic would there be someone who does it. I "lucked out" by getting assigned this one.
Lol, I hear "you're nicer than me" or "you're too nice" a LOT.
I was thinking about it on the way homw, actually, sort of. I kinda waked out of work. Not walked out like I quit, but, left before my replacement got there because she was late, and i was gonna miss my bus, and i wasn't going to wait an hour for the next bus or pay 20 to go home because these bitches can't be bothered to get to work on time, when I busy my ads and spend money to get there on time, and usually early because i use the bus and when I get there early they just leave early. I know I'm new, and I can't really risk losing this job already, but, I guess snap at the right things but wrong time? I mean this was even right time to snap, but I still should have kept control of myself, but, I do that so much, control everything I do, try to control everything else, just in an attempt to make life run smoother for everyone, and no one else seems to do that, and i get resentful. It's my nature, and my choice, but, still, why do i always have to be the one doing the right thing, being perfect, being nice. God i sound pompous.
That's what it all comes down to. I get mad at myself when I do something that's not the "right" thing to do, cause I KNOW better, and chose the wrong.
Being nice to t... I've sensed something amiss with him for awhile. Burnout, or something. And I understand. He's too good for that clinic, so I hope that something great came along for him.
But yeah, still mad. And yet, hopeful? I dunno. Another lesson in "you can't control everything, and you can't always get what you want, and people at gonna hurt you" for me, i guess.
I thought I'd learned them all so well, but, I guess not, cause they keep getting presented to me.
Dying is easy young man, *living* is harder.

 

[ladee]

I had to learn to reframe, or relearn, what was the 'right' thing to do in certain situations....Some things I don't even bother put right or wrong labels on it... just do what i need to do... a hundred years from now who's gonna care you left work before your replacement showed up... that is setting a boundary for one thing..in a perfect world, thew would get in trouble for being late... not for you leaving when your day was done...try not to worry about it..
Happy to hear you are looking for a new T, as the saying here... we have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the right T...

death is never the answer... just a whole lot of problems for the people left behind.... and the cat is not in pain... you are.... and you are doing what you can to get that tended to... be a little nicer to yourself... get ya some ice cream and don't share... unless pookster wants some.... gentle hugs

 

[Bananie]

I thought a good sleep would help.
Nah.
Thanks, though, @ladee. I appreciate you.