Can't believe it's been since January since I've written here!
And I'm doing it cause I reeeeeaaaalllllly feel like contacting old t. Not because I feel bad. I'm pretty ok, ATM. I just miss him.
Oh well!
Last week I was ready to finally end myself. Giving in to the belief that I am worthless, and that the world would be better off without me. I watched documentaries. I wished I was in Belgium, where they have euthanasia. It seems to fit with one of my fav books, The Giver. They "release" people when they no longer serve a purpose in the community. That used to scare/anger me. Now it just makes sense. At least about me. It also reminded me of a scene in Lady and the Tramp that's haunted me for like 35 years. When they lead that poor cheerful dog down the row, and the other dogs explain to Lady, "poor Nutsy's taking the long walk."
Alas, I'm not in Belgium, and if I had the money it would take to get there, I probably wouldn't feel so worthless.
I was also convinced that it was my "destiny".
If you take your own life, that's the ultimate self-control.
I was practicing. I wrote notes. Plans. My final craft project will be my "memorial in a box". I need to find an m word for box. I like alliteration. I'm still going to make the kit, just not anytime soon.
I was just waiting to see the new season of orange is the new black. Also, the 30th was my half birthday, and I've always thought it would be neat to die on my birthday or the day before. Like, rounded. But I was willing to compromise and go half birthday cause I was super over everything.
I ran out of documentaries about the subject, but nothing else seemed appealing. A show, Kim's Convenience, popped up on Netflix, and it's about a Korean family that owns a store in Toronto. Since my niece just got me hooked on kpop, and I love Toronto, I figured why not, and it was adorable. Oddly soothing. It started to soften my resolve. When it ended, I was at a loss again. But something reminded me of the show Wonderfalls. Don't even get me started on the amazeballsness of Wonderfalls and how it affected me when it first came out, while I was living in the falls, and how it bridged on that to me now. It's super nuanced. And now music is distracting me, actually.
At any rate. I'm finally feeling "enough" to even write here, and I'll be back. Sooner than 8 months
