Relationship First time he’s isolated like this and i feel anxious

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Sufferer sent me text at 3 am all about how I deserve better, he’s on the point of breaking dowN. He cannot give me what I deserve and he’s holding me back.

I haven’t spoken about a relationship to him for ages but it’s something that’s always on the forefront of his mind. He’s been pretty bad since therapy session where he had to re live trauma. He’s got another one tomorrow of alike nature.

Known him for 7 years and never heard him cry until PTSD. Spoke briefly this morning and he cried a lot. Said he was going crazy, breaking down, his brains hurting, he can’t handle it, he feels dead inside. He said we needed space, which he’s never said before. He said it’s for my sake because I don’t deserve this mess, I deserve someone great. his brain doesn’t let him escape he says and he doesn’t want to be a burden to me. He cried again and cut the call.

Tried contacting him since then but no reply, he’s online on Facebook but he’s ignoring me. I just wanna know he’s ok. He’s never ignored me like this before and I feel anxious. I don’t know what’s going on with him. I don’t know how long he’s going to be silent. How do I handle the anxiety around him disappearing. I’ve been putting more focus on myself, started journaling, praying and being mindful. I felt fine.. better, until this. Now I can’t even reach him and it scares me.

 

[Buttercup]

I'm sorry you are feeling anxious. Totally understandable. Sounds like you are doing all you can to help alleviate that feeling. Meditating is good. Watching mindless t.v. . Reading. Anything to help you NOT think of him. He is doing what he needs to do for himself now and if he is online on Facebook you can probably assume he is alive at the moment.

That's a very hard situation you are in right now. I think I said before you both need space from each other.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Facebook isn't "reality". Commenting and liking are really human interactions. I wouldn't take it personally if he can be on social media but cannot interact with you. You're reality, and he can't deal with that right now.

Trauma therapy is hell. It's going to make things worse before they can get better, and it's going to take its own sweet time. You can't rush it.

He's in survival mode right now. I try to view short isolation periods as a "reset" or necessity that helps my vet manage, and eventually work through what he needs to work through. I give him quiet and don't bring any guilt or baggage into it. I consider it a loving act. He is ill. He needs space to feel better. It's not about me. I can give him this space because I love him.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Thank you both.

He was ignoring me on Facebook but I wasn’t upset. I was happy he was Alive.
It’s frightening sometimes when he has his worst moments. He sounds unpredictable and it scares me. His voice is full of anger, hurt, fear, anxiety. Like he’s just so ‘pumped’ but at the same time so broken.

He cried when I spoke to him in the morning, before PTSD he barely ever cried. Wish I could fix all his wounds. I wrote to him a few hours ago and just said ‘I hope your ok, and hope you are well. Please take care of yourself.

He just replied saying ‘I’m ok. Don’t worry about me. I have a couple of things to do’
I said ‘that’s fine. I just want you to be ok’

He said ‘I need to get used to my own company. I need my own time’

I said ‘that’s fine’
He said ‘speak soon’

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Can’t help but to worry about him. He’s got another therapy session tomorrow. I don’t want him to harm himself and his support network is pretty crap and not understanding at all

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Can’t help but to worry about him. He’s got another therapy session tomorrow. I don’t...

Good evening @BoyfriendqwithPTSD.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I remember your kind words to me and I also pray for your peace at this time. May God be with you.

 

[Supervixn]

I've read a few of your posts here and you seem really codependent. Not trying to be rude. I think you need help too. Utilize this time apart to work on your constant need to grip onto him. You don't sound healthy either. Even your user name lacks independent identity. It's not good for you to be so wrapped in this guy, or anyone for that matter. I think you ought to look at yourself and quit smothering this guy... you need help too... what is it about you that your entire wellbeing is dependent on him? Why can't you give him the space he is desperately needing from you? Can't you respect that and back off?

Sorry to sound harsh but man... even I feel smothered. Everyone is feeling sorry for you but you're coming off very controlling.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Wow.
I couldn’t think of a name because I made this account quickly.

I’ve given him plenty of space, patience and understandingZ If anything, he always asks for space and I agree, then the next thing you know it he calls me 10+ times.

I’m NOT co-dependent. I’ve invested in a 7 yr relationship and I’m not familiar with PTSD yet. I’m learning hence why on this forum. I use this forum as an emotional outlet instead of talking to him or others.

His behavior has changed since PTSD so I’m trying to get used to it. I’m trying to ask the questions on here which I wonder in my head.

Thanks for an extremely unsupportive and rude reply.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD this is a public forum on the internet. People are going to post a wide variety of responses. Instead of feeling defensive, best course of action is to take what is useful and leave the rest.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Sweetpea76 thanks.

I know people can post whatever they like. But to make assumptions of me, my relationship is not ok. I will speak up.

I’ve always said, I’m here because I’m trying to learn. And this is also the place where I feel that I can safely let all those confused thoughts and emotions out.

IRL, I’m managing my job, I’m seeing friends, starting with a therapist next week, meditating, been journaling some, praying lots etc. My SO has never behaved the way he is doing now after PTSD. Believe it or not, we had a pretty stabile relationship before all this. He had his life, I had my life and we also had a life together. I was studying, working and lived 45 min from him, he was working and part time studying. He had his friends and I have mine.

It’s not always been like this. So I’m trying to figure out what’s going on.

Thanks for your reply

 

[Supervixn]

Sorry it offended you... maybe the delivery was off but yea either way you do sound super codependent. Excuse it away but its really apparent. It screams from your posts... what's wrong with stating the obvious? Are you trying to control the truth now too?

You won't like my advice but you should just focus on yourself and let him sort himself out. He's grown. Just try something different... smothering him isn't working out well for either of you it seems.

Where do your needs fit into this at all? Or is it your need to be his rescuer? You realize that won't work right? Coming from someone WITH Ptsd, you should just back off and give him space. Work on you. Don't you deserve that? Or is focusing solely on his PTSD a way to distract you from your own problems?

Take what you want, leave the rest. Realize others have opinions too. Take it from an expert on PTSD, I live with it!

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

I’m not controlling.
Maybe I have become co-dependent but I wasn’t before and neither was he.

I’m not unwilling to give him space, please stop assuming this. When he asks for space, I give him space and then HE comes back and rings me, texts me, wants to see me etc etc.

I’m not smothering him. He takes me on a ride. Every day is different, it’s not easy for a supporter either. It’s confusing.
He’s hot one day and cold the next. If that didn’t stir up emotions/insecurities/fears/panic then I wouldn’t be human.