Flashback To A Bad Thing Last Night

[raven123]

This could be triggering. I'll spare the graphic details.

Last night, I woke up in bed, was upset over something and re-experienced my rape by two perps, man and woman, when I was 3 1/2 years old. I saw it. I even know what she said to me while I was doing it (to her). I couldn't hear what "cute" name she called herself, but I know she said something. It lasted awhile. 30 mins?

Not sure how long. My body felt a heavy hollow and I felt like I wasn't there. Felt really weird. I have two personalities and not sure which one of us was in control till now. We both were there and aware of what was going on. Hard to explain. I'm the 2nd personality. Both of us are females. She's the dominant one. It felt as if she was inside me suffering the rape and I could see the whole thing. She was angry..at everyone but me. If she could find this two pricks, she'd kill both of them. I know their names and stuff. Gonna see if I can find them online.

I do know the first personality emerged during the rape (with the woman). The original person couldn't take and went somewhere. Corner in the mind? It all continued. Like it wasn't happening to me. After it stopped (maybe 30 mins or so), I had to get up. I was sick and hungry. Been up now since 4am. Ate a bunch. LOL

Can anyone relate? It felt as if she was inside me experiencing the rape while I watched. She's let me have more control, we're 50-50 anyway, since she's been going through all this "recovery" shit. Since there is no cash for a shrink (or insurance), I say, f*ck recovery. No clue what to do anyway. Anyway, thanks.

 

[Pencil]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Raven.

 

[madmax]

Forgive them but don't forget. Your post just triggered something that happened while living in Belgium around age 6.

My mother and her friend who had a daughter named Jenny PUT THE TWO OF US IN A ROOM and somehow I was supposed to play doctor with her. I got caught with my fingers inside of her.Her mother caught us...and I guess she promised not to tell my mother as I remember it. Something tells me she may have performed sexual acts on me. Somehow the later part of this recollection never surfaced until now. I know I forgave my mother years ago and it must have helped because I am 51 now and this is the first time I ever uttered a word on this matter or thought of it.

Sorry for this mis-direction of my post Raven.

 

[raven123]

Max, I'm sorry. :(

 

[madmax]

:cool: You helped me beyond any therapy session. My (T) told me child abuse creates a predisposition for PTSD. I just thought my reconciliations of guns being put in my stomach by my dad and the general outlandishness of his caustic comments directed to myself and my little sister that persisted up into 2 years ago was what he was eluding too.

I should be paying you!!!;)

 

[raven123]

Max, Thank you. Glad I could help. :)

 

[raven123]

It felt as if she was inside me suffering the rape and I could see the whole thing.

Add some more to it. It felt and I still feel like I'm in a movie.

So, has anyone had that experience?

Thank you.

 

[raven123]

This is a little graphic and could trigger.

2nd night after a bad flashback (re-experienced the whole rape) the night before:

Note: Me and the main person do share the body like 50-50 and have co-consciousness and co-knowledge.

I was just standing there in my bedroom and felt someone else was standing there (in my body) and I was watching them. Just for a second. Not long. I know who it is. An alter (female) from a long time ago. Then, she walked right through me. A little eerie but felt good. I know she means no harm. She's just incredibly sexual, or erotic, in nature. She does take your breath away. No offense, but it lead to an hour long or so masturbation session. I could not get enough. Fell asleep after cause I was exhausted.

This morning, about 3am, I got up then, ate something for my stomach, then laid back down. I was pretty much snuggling (on my right) with the main personality. I could feel her warm body so I just went with it cause she felt good. She was sleeping I guess. Haven't seen her really in a few days. But, a few minutes later that other alter was soon on the other side of me, touching me then she moved through me, or her essence did. Again, it was purely sexual, or erotic. I was too tired for it so fell back asleep between the main person (female) and the alter.

Anyway, those with MPD (I hate the term DID), can alters come back? I thought this old one showing up was integrated with the main person.

 

[Springer80]

Hi Raven, I don't have MPD/DID. Have you been diagnosed? It's just that with the co-consciousness you mentioned I think you may thankfully be not as severe as that? Anyway, semantics....

Erm...From what you describing I can relate to some. I think I annexed my sexuality/my own sexual desire and it wasn't a separate 'personality' as such but behavior that I controlled by using personification to put me a step removed from the fear of the consequences associated to my feelings? I know that sounds like the same thing but the process and awareness were different for me. it's a little tricky to describe.

It wasn't until Feb 2009 (age 29) that I looked in the mirror and not only saw but acknowledged somebody female looking back at me and not feeling a sense of denial or resistance but warmth I broke down.

Me and the main person do share the body like 50-50 and have co-consciousness and co-knowledge.

So would you say this is roughly the adult/functioning/intellectual/public you and the child/emotional/physical/private you?

I was pretty much snuggling (on my right) with the main personality. I could feel her warm body so I just went with it cause she felt good. She was sleeping I guess. Haven't seen her really in a few days.

Is this you comforting the emotional/private/bodily you?

I was just standing there in my bedroom and felt someone else was standing there (in my body) and I was watching them. Just for a second. Not long. I know who it is. An alter (female) from a long time ago. Then, she walked right through me. A little eerie but felt good. I know she means no harm

What I would hazard a guess at is this....what with the other flesh memory dreams you've been having...is that on some level your body is waking up to what happened and catching back up with your brain. The integration is allowing more room for previously suppressed areas of development to reach toward the surface, catch up and blend in.

I know the bad flashback must have been an exhausting, sinew shredding and disturbing experience but it sounds to me like the horror of it is making it's way out, which can only be good and will make room for a safe relationship with your body. I wouldn't worry too much about the terminology/labels. :)

 

[raven123]

Springer, Thank you for replying. Yes, diagnosed with MPD back in 1998. It was there since age 3 1/2 (the rape).

So would you say this is roughly the adult/functioning/intellectual/public you and the child/emotional/physical/private you?

We function well together. None are children. All adults. All three if she's coming back, which she is. I've felt her all day off and on. Last night, I dreamed about her all night, too, now that I stop and think about it. She's always sexual or erotic in nature.

Is this you comforting the emotional/private/bodily you?

Yes, it is comforting. I don't get weirded out by much. I just make sure I'm grounded. If it feels good, I usually go along with it without thinking much.

Is that on some level your body is waking up to what happened and catching back up with your brain.

That I don't know. I'm seriously wondering if I'm now the main personality since she hasn't been out in several days. Usually, we switch based on activity all day long. There's Raven (main personality or was), Allie (me) and the sexual/erotic alter.

Thanks for replying again. Lots to think about. :)

 

[raven123]

It wasn't until Feb 2009 (age 29) that I looked in the mirror and not only saw but acknowledged somebody female looking back at me and not feeling a sense of denial or resistance but warmth I broke down.

Cool! Glad she didn't weird you out. I don't even need to look in the mirror. I can see them anytime. MPD is pretty complex but simple at the same time. :)

 

[Springer80]

Hi Raven, There's an organization based in the UK called 'First Person Plural' which is a support group specifically for people with MPD/DID. I think they take international folk on their forum and they have a newsletter and I think they are conneced to people in the U.S.A. as they produced a DVD about the condition in collaboration with some American scholars. It only costs £15-£20 for a years membership.