For A Man I Love And For My Own Sanity And Enlightenment

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Hello.
I am a carer and new to this forum. I am trying to gain understanding of this condition and provide the best support I can to a man I love dearly. I have known him for almost three years. His is ex military and his condition in chronic. His assessment is DSM IV. I do not know what I am doing and feel lost. I have come to understand the need for isolation and regrouping but I finding it difficult to deal with. I guess that makes me human.
He has asked me to marry him. He has told me we would live together. He has told me many things and keeps breaking his word with me. I believe and know that he loves me very much and have conceded to his perceived lack of committment as he has had good viable reasons to delay.
However, sometimes I need reassurance and this sometimes turns into a triggering for him. I never yell at him and I am calm and selective in what I say. I am developing a lack of trust because I do not get why discussing or asking for a simple affirmation would set him off. The idea of losing me also sets him off and I have seen him begin to shake all over if he thinks I am going to reject him. It is so contrary.
He said he would sit with me after a medical procedure I am having and now he says he cannot. Says he is too wired up. Says he is going to commit suicide and wants to run away. I pressured him to be with me anyway. Am I unfair ,selfish, or just ignorant ? I think I am all three.

 

[Jawn]

Welcome to the forum. You will find lots of good information and support here. Please read the articles on the main page, especially the CUP one. It will help you understand things MUCH better. There are articles for Carers too that you find helpful. When you get full access you will also want to read the threads in the Carer section as you will find help there too.

Jawn

 

[anni]

Hi,

I am not a Carer, but sometimes read Carer threads since I have one, the poor nice man and it's a good habit to remind oneself to not make him crazy today. One of the ways is for me to CHECK HARD in my head, that I'm actively doing what I can to care for him as well-fill HIM up, remember his needs and feelings. I truly am not attempting to crticize him-PTSD is tough- but part of getting better is taking conscious resonsibility for impacting others. PTSD is a reason for an awful lot of things, but it's not an excuse and there's a balance, even when we're at our 'worst'. You are not in the least being selfish in wishing him to perhaps be there for something you require support in. Ignorant? No- just possibly wishing for him to step up and be for you who you are for him.

Yes, he is in pain, but none of us get any better with endless inner focusing and zero output of effort towards others. It's hard to give 'advice' in other' marraiges, but boy, I hope it's not unwelcome to at least hear I feel you're being terribly tough on yourself. In point of fact, I find it very. very helpful to be able to do something-anything- for my husband. It's probably because it makes me feel capable and also like perhaps am giving back some of the huge efforts he's put in through the years. I do not mean to imply I'm somehow a better person than your husband, it's just what sincerely is helpful to me so wish he could ascertain how healing it would be for both of you to at least try to reach out in support, that's all.

I'm sure the Carer forum will be an awful lot of help, comfort and validation for you. I do hope some peace, also. Do take care of yourself,

Anni

 

[amethist]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

It is hard for both sufferer and carer to get a good balance sometimes. They have to do all they can to keep and level ground and we as carers have to find the right balance between caring, encouraging and looking after our own needs. Not easy, no one on here will pretend it is.

I myself have to have minor day surgery in the near future. I have to say I won't be asking my husband to be there with me, as I know it will just be too much for him to see me directly after surgery. It is not that they don't want to do things like this, it is the stress of it that is hard for them to handle at times. But My daughter will be there to bring me home after, maybe even bringing him with her. Maybe you could suggest this instead, a compromise type thing.

Read the carers section as both anni and Jawn have suggested, it will give you a better idea of how to accept, deal with and face issues that can occur. There are many different ways in which stress can effect them, good or bad can have the same impact. He may be desperate to marry you, but cannot face the good things in life right now, him thinking you may leave him could have the same effect on him too. Sounds daft we know, but that is just how it can go at times.

Look after yourself as well as you can, it will help you keep going on this "Crazy Roller Coaster Ride".

Amethist

 

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Thank-you for your advice. I read about the CUP analogy and found it very helpfull. There is so much to learn and it is overwhelming but alas I have found this site and what a fantastic one it is. Thank-you once again.

 

[restricted]

Thank-you for your imput. I am often told that I am too hard on myself. I am just beginning to learn about this condition thanks to this great wesite.

I also think that you are correct in saying that part of getting better is taking responsibility. Inner focusing can be toxic as well. He is at the worst I have ever seen him, but alas, he came through for me. I know he feels good about that because it was the right thing to do. As for me, I am just learning and part of it will be to take care of myself or I too may unravel.

Best regards.

 

[lissa]

Welcome to the forum, I am new here myself.

I feel that I can relate to your post...in fact some things you said sound exactly like things I have said myself. "He has told me many things and keeps breaking his word with me." Is that a part of PTSD? Sometimes I have trouble differentiating between normal human deficiency, and things that simply are not normal. The idea of losing me sets off my boyfriend as well...in the most contradictory ways. He'll have an episode, kind of like a panic attack. He'll tell me to leave, then freak out and prevent me from leaving.

I just wanted to let you know I "listened" to your post. =)

 

[anni]

That was nice lissa, and welcome to you, too.

This balance thing you Carer's deal with must be TOUGH, to say the least. I did just wish to say that it seems to me ( but easy to say, I know ) that some sort of bottom line has to be that the sufferer be able to understand it's never acceptable to PTSD-all-over their Carer to the point of having to daily be unsure ( because it's what you're being told ) whether or not you get to stay or have to GO. That's an awful way to live, you know? Maybe the sufferer doesn't know, but as a bottom line it's a terribly important thing to figure out ASAP, so to speak, so the other person isn't living their own version of hell.

All the best to you, too. :)

Anni

 

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Thanks for the imput. It is comforting to know that I am not the only one willing to subject myself to this and also that the roller coaster ride is something to be managed. Part of that is all of the things you mentioned.

I feel huge relief to be able to talk on this forum with people who "get it".

 

[Jawn]

Anni you hit the nail on the head with your description. It is indeed an awful way to live and you have to find a compromise or boundary to make life tolerable for both sufferer and carer. NOT an easy thing to do. In my case things became tolerable once my wife got medicated. The mean nasty angry witch went away, but that of course wasn't a complete solution to her PTSD issues. My T was working with me to help me get over the "walking on eggshells" mode that I had retreated into. Be able to ask questions and state my opinion without being so fearful of my wife's reaction. I am definitely better at that now than I used to be.

I would say I am still in that mode though when it comes to her therapy. I am not included in that and she tells me very little about it. So if/when something related to that comes up in conversation, I still find it difficult to know what I should or should not ask about. I think I'm getting better at it, but it's definitely a learning experience.....for both of us.

Jawn