For People Who Are Estranged From Their Families, How Do You Deal With The Guilt?

[Philippa]

As the title enquires, I am curious to know how people who have cut themselves off from abusive family members deal with the guilt (if they feel guilt) of their decision? It is something I am struggling with at the moment, and I know it is weakening to be stuck in guilt, so I want to release it but am having difficulty.

 

[arfie]

I held a "therapy funeral" for my family in 1977 so that I could "heal as an orphan." The therapist who guided me through that prepared me for the Phantom Limb Syndrome. When a limb has been amputated, the amputee will often "feel" sensations in the missing limb for the rest of their lives.

And so it is for my missing family. I still feel them, all these years later. My feelings have grown since then. Guilt and character assassination were the glue which bonded my birth family, so feelings of worthlessness and shame were all I had of them in 1977. I have since found room for the other human emotions when I feel their phantom presence. Even love and compassion. But mostly I have detached from it. Done is done. It is what it is. I try to keep my focus on doing the best I can with what I have.

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou, that is interesting. I might bring that one up the next time I visit my art therapist. I really want to know how I can best release this stuff. It is weighing on me, and I don't think it is helping one bit.

 

[arfie]

I resist the urge to measure when I am staggering beneath these loads. The difference between 2200kg and 2100kg is substantial but my overwhelmed senses are still working too hard to feel the progress. I try to keep my focus on trusting the process enough to keep going whether I can measure it or not.

Me? Trust? Why is there always a Catch 22?

 

[fly away home]

Several times today i tried to respond to your post but found it very hard to do because i am feeling the guilt quite keenly right now. All I have for you is a common understanding of the massive struggle guilt pulls up especially when it comes to family from the past.

My family (some) are from my past. They are not here in my life now. I feel the guilt and have no idea what to do with it other than see it as heavy stone tied between my family from the past and me. Its up to me to let go but I'm not entirely sure I want to or even know how to. That guilt stone will weigh me down for as long as i have feelings for my past weather they be positive or negative feelings the guilt stone will be a part of them.

Cutting off family seems so final and is in many ways but the feelings remain. They can't be removed quite so decisively.

Perhaps for your art you could find an image or symbol which represents the guilt. Draw it with those washable markers for kids and watch as you saok it in a tray of water. Let the guilt dissolve somehow. Just an idea.

I hope you find some peace within yourself. Guilt can eat me alive some days.

 

[zaniara]

I only cut my father off from my life, I did it to protect my kids, and the others chose to punish me for it but pretending I was dead after that. So.. I won't look back. I know I had to do what I did, and it was the right thing to do. Why guilt? I was their child, I didn't chose to be born by them.

Edit: I did struggle with a lot of guilt before I did cut him out of my life, but that's the effect of all the brainwashing/programming.

 

[Philippa]

That's a great idea fly away home. I think I will try that tomorrow actually. I've even seen the same suggestion for releasing feelings of being insignificant in oracle cards I own. I was made to feel very insignificant as a young person growing in a dysfunctional family unit, and that is one insecurity I have wanted to overcome but also struggle with.

Thanks, that was helpful.

 

[therisa]

For me, cutting off my mom (October 2012) and younger brother (August 2007), helped me, to release the anger, I have been carrying over the years, which they have been abusing me, whether physical or psychological. To my brother, I told him, he was dead to me, right in front of him. I only felt guilty, when I cut off my mom, for several months, as I was trying to build bridges between us, but she refused to acknowledge and accept me, as whom I am. To close my feeling of guilt, I wrote a poetic letter, to my mom, which I never sent, nor had any plans to, but I could express my anger, in a safe and constructive way.

Wish, I had more helpful suggestions, for you, Philippa. Good luck, in dealing with this guilt.

 

[Candleflames]

I struggled with feelings of guilt and sorrow for years after cutting off contact with my mother's side of the family. It seemed so strange to me that I would have such feelings for people who treated me so badly that I was also angry at myself for feeling guilt and sorrow. It was quite the mess. It took some therapy to tease out the real reasons for my feelings so that I could let them go. I really think we need to understand the whys of our feeling to be able to move on from them.

For me the guilt didn't stem from the actual cutting off but from feeling like I had given up on the possibility and hope of my ideal relationships. I had this idea of what a mother/daughter relationship should be like and what it meant to be a sister. I felt like by cutting these people out of my life I was the one that was giving up on the possibility of that ever being achieved. I felt sorrow for the loss of the hope and confused the loss of that ideal with the loss of the actual relationship. This led to me feeling like the failure of the relationship was my fault and that is how the guilt entered the picture. I had given up, not them. Then I would be angry at myself for wanting the destructive relationship back. That led to rationalization by way of the unattainable ideal and the cycle started all over again.

Through therapy I was able to see the cycle and make some very important realizations. That the ideal was unattainable through no fault of mine. I cannot change my family so that the ideal could become reality and I did everything I could on my end. I had to recognize that what I had to work with was destructive to me. I also had to recognize that it is in fact ok to put myself first. The biggest realization was that my sorrow was for the loss of the ideal not the people. I let myself mourn that loss. When I was able to see my family for the people that they really are instead of for who I wanted them to be, the guilt went poof! It took time to mourn and for those realizations to become firmly believed but at the end I felt so much freer.

I really like arfie's idea of holding a funeral and fly away's idea of using your art. They are very healthy and proactive moves you can make for letting go. Some reflection about where your feelings stem from is a good way to start. That way you can be sure of what it is you need to let go of.

 

[fly away home]

For me the guilt didn't stem from the actual cutting off but from feeling like I had given up on the possibility and hope of my ideal relationships. I had this idea of what a mother/daughter relationship should be like and what it meant to be a sister. I felt like by cutting these people out of my life I was the one that was giving up on the possibility of that ever being achieved. I felt sorrow for the loss of the hope and confused the loss of that ideal with the loss of the actual relationship. This led to me feeling like the failure of the relationship was my fault and that is how the guilt entered the picture. I had given up, not them. Then I would be angry at myself for wanting the destructive relationship back. That led to rationalization by way of the unattainable ideal and the cycle started all over again.

Goodness! This makes so much sense I was floored when I read it. Thankyou candleflames. I will keep this in the fore of my mind as we head into Christmas. Honestly, thankyou.

I was their child, I didn't chose to be born by them.

And this one I'm tempted to print out and stick on the fridge!


Philippa, I think art is a great way of getting to the core of feelings. I often just spend some quiet time thinking about the guilt or whatever emotion it is I'm challenged by, really let it sit there for a bit, like a meditation, then out come the art supplies!

Wishing you all the best with this.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks candleflames for articulating so well what I have trouble with. It's pretty much exactly as it is for me.

I feel guilty for giving up on the hope of change and the dream of having family who will be interested in sitting with me regularly to express ourselves and be heard, so that feelings can be validated, rather than my reality totally negated time after time. I feel like a failure and as though I didn't try enough or do enough but the reality is, they won't change for me. They don't want the same relationship that I do.

They are happy to keep sweeping things under the rug and just go on having their fake existences, and expect me to fall in line with that so they don't have to feel uncomfortable looking at what isn't working and take responsability for that.

Thankyou so much everyone, for all these helpful ideas and responses. I feel much better to have asked. I feel relief and encouragement to paint. I don't know why I put it off so much. I always feel so much better after I paint.

 

[Candleflames]

I hope you know that you do deserve the kind of relationship you want. I've been able to find what I have needed through a more of an acquired family. Having them helps a lot.