Forgiveness - Is This A Necessary Part Of True Healing From Abuse?

[ms spock]

Yes yes. It's true for me that I am confused between denial, dissociation and letting go. Ms Spock so I want to understand difference between Denial, Dissociation and letting go.

Denial is when I don't see what is there and I don't deal with what is going on.

Disassociation is when I am not in my self and I am not in contact with the world around me. Disassociation has its own particular characteristics and is further explained by the concepts of depersonalisation and derealisation.

Depersonalisation is when I don't feel I have a self or that I matter and it is, to me, another layer of disassociation. I can see my self watching my self and not being in my self. So depersonalisation is unreality in one's sense of self.

Derealisation is connected to depersonalisation and disassociation.

Derealisation is another layer of disassociation and depersonalisation, derealisation means that the world seems unreal and that your experience of it is coloured by this perspective.

Letting go and acceptance comes at the end of putting myself all back together.

Things that used to haunt you no longer do. You are in situations and realise that instead of acting like you did in the moment of trauma/s - you can act in that particular now in reference to what is actually going on right now rather than what happened at the moment of the trauma/s. But there are many, many smaller details that you deal with before you get to that point. One foot in front of the other working stuff out.

Letting go and acceptance is being comfortable in your own skin. Having a laugh, refining your own skills in the world without beating yourself up for needing to make an improvement or correction. Being comfortable with being you. Seeing where you need to grow and change, but realising that you don't have to try so hard ALL the time. I haven't got rid of the hypervigilance but it does ease up some days. I am not perfect and there is plenty to improve but as with living life, cooking food, exercising, participating in your community and democracy (or whatever life ends up being for you) you will get around to it, and you do.

Letting go and acceptance is your dreams changing where I confront and deal with all abusers, to where I go off to look after my chickens (in the dream) and their appearance at the beginning of the dream is not important because you have your own chickens (and sheep) to look after and you hang out with your littlest brother having a good time. And you have other dreams all much easier and lighter and sometimes not lighter ones but you have a sense of the other dreams and opportunities. You are not stuck immobolised in the mire.

Letting go and acceptance means that when people who are outrageous immoral assholes don't bother you for more than a day or so because you move in to being part of the solution and you don't take their stuff on and you maintain an okay relationship with them so you can negotiate for your people and causes well.

I am not perfect or evenly with "complete inner peace," I still have healing to do and goals to proceed towards. I am alive and passionate, not numb and and unpresent. I am a white Australian woman who has a libido, *woo hoos* (NEVER thought I would ever write about having a libido! - totally given up on that) I have always been passionate about social justice, but I can run campaigns, educate and rally the troops without burning my self out or taking it all on my self. I share the the joys and the burdens and the pride in our accomplishments. I disco dance and have a well developed sense of humour. I don't give my self away so much in denial, disassociation, depersonalisation, derealisation.

Being present and noticing what is going on now, makes life both easier and harder in some ways, at first it is a very different way of living, but with practice and patience you start to acclimate to a different way of being. It is not easy and I still struggle with some things. Yet I am comfortable and I am moving in the right direction for me.

My art work is growing and I exhibit and sell the occasional work. It is possible I can make a living out of this one day.

This is how it is for me now and I respect that for other people it is different.

I have got up caught in concepts and perfection and when I let go of that it made my life a tad easier and I made much more progress. I also felt better.

Forgiveness was never for me Jaret. But I found my own way. I hope that this is clear enough for you Jaret. I tried to make it clear and simple as I could, but relevant to what we are talking about in this thread.

 

[Shellbell]

I feel your strength in this BloominInWinter. Good on you!

And yes it does take courage. The burden is entirely theirs, not yours to carry.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I visualize facing a valley from a mountaintop, picking up the heavy ball of shame, hurt, rage, pain, and guilt....and screaming as I fling it all back at them, where it belongs!

 

[Shellbell]

I really like that visualistion too. It really helps to actually visualize something and the act of thinking about throwing it back and be finally freed of it all, would be very empowering.

Thank you for sharing that.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, it should be them who carries the burden, but my choice is either to carry it myself or put it down.

And this is what I think people have the hardest time reconciling with.

It's that stubborness that has kept us going, but it can also keep us imprisoned in that we have such tremendous reason to be in pain and rage, and it absolutely is THEM who 'should' be the ones suffering for what they have done...but it's not...and that's really seriously unfair. Coming to terms with life not having to be fair is not an easy thing.

I look at animals and I think about how they just are so able to go about life without holding onto anything from the past. They live in the moment, and whatever happens to them, that we would perceive as cruel, they just are able to move past without getting stuck in the emotional mires that humans fall into, being emotional creatures.

We can learn so much from animals, and I wish it were the case that we could also be able to move past trauma with relative ease, and not get stuck in the memories and the rage...but we do.

Reality is such a harsh thing.

I just think it is the ultimate act of Self-compassion to be able to give yourself permission to let go of all that stuff that holds us back from living the life we 'should' have been living, and it's the ultimate slap in the face to realize that the people who did this to us don't suffer for what they did.

I struggle with that so much, at an emotional level, I find it so hard to get past how unfair that is.

 

[Shellbell]

I like your way of thinking a lot Philippa. 'Ultimate act of self compassion'. That is such a powerful thing to do for ourselves.

Knowing they are not suffering is really hard. I chose to believe everyone gets what they deserve in the end.

But for me - to have freedom and peace and no longer carry the burden of what they did - is also a slap in their face, because then they are no longer causing me the pain they wanted to inflict.

It's a really big process though, there is no getting away from that.

 

[Tanishq]

Forgiveness was never for me Jaret. But I found my own way. I hope that this is clear enough for you Jaret. I tried to make it clear and simple as I could, but relevant to what we are talking about in this thread.

Ms Spock this is great help :happy:

Thanks very much. There are many points where I always feel hard and often meet them in my life.

One choice a day, I will start to find my on forgiveness. Yes, You're right everyone has their own way to forgive and go on that path. Forgiveness is self healing,too.

 

[Tanishq]

That rage, pain, and shame was a burden I was forced to pick up while my abusers went along their merry way. I've been trudging along for decades carrying this burden, though it doesn't harm them in the slightest, it's killing me. Literally.

BloomInWinter, I do feel rage, pain and shame. All at once. That happens when I remind myself or reckon that I have hard time to associating with things. I was suppressed each and every way by parents and some teachers. There were some lenient teachers, but later I used to regret for not able to reach them and get some healing.

Your post has insights which I am going to collect.

 

[ms spock]

Yes I agree so Philippa, sometimes the pain and hurt is something sufferers of abuse can become addicted to and does become our identity. And you are so right about freeing ourselves is what it is about.

I don't see the connection between addiction to pain and suffering and a change required of identity and letting go or acceptance. The concept of forgiveness is not going to rescue you or save you. I don't understand this strand of the thread.

 

[ms spock]

I chose to believe everyone gets what they deserve in the end.

This concerns me as this is magical thinking. It means that people don't take legal action. It means people don't demand justice and fairness.

People don't get what they deserve. If they did people wouldn't do the things that they do.

If this type of thinking if helping you get through the day for a period of time, then so be it. But it is not reality based.

 

[ms spock]

I look at animals and I think about how they just are so able to go about life without holding onto anything from the past. They live in the moment, and whatever happens to them, that we would perceive as cruel, they just are able to move past without getting stuck in the emotional mires that humans fall into, being emotional creatures.

We can learn so much from animals, and I wish it were the case that we could also be able to move past trauma with relative ease, and not get stuck in the memories and the rage...but we do.

Actually animals are very sensitive creatures and if you mistreat them they can take years to heal from the damage. I was a zoo keeper and I had to work with animals that had all range of mental health conditions right through to self mutilation from captivity related issues.

 

[ms spock]

Reality is such a harsh thing.

I just think it is the ultimate act of Self-compassion to be able to give yourself permission to let go of all that stuff that holds us back from living the life we 'should' have been living, and it's the ultimate slap in the face to realize that the people who did this to us don't suffer for what they did.

I struggle with that so much, at an emotional level, I find it so hard to get past how unfair that is.

I have total compassion for your struggle at this level about this issue. I really do. Please be kind to your self and give your self a break.