I have researched and read every argument and study i can find and I still come to the same conclusion that to forgive what was done to me and forgive the people who did it, is the same as saying 'what you did is ok' and its just not.
I don't believe that is forgiveness at all.
Saying "what you did was ok" is not forgiveness. It is condoning wrong doing. It's not right. It is at best being a bystander, and at worst, it's being complicit in abuse.
If what they did was ok, or someone says it is ok, then forgiveness does not apply. At all. Because what they did was ok.
But if something is not ok, then forgiveness may apply.
I know you have read studies, but let's back this up. Look at this definition of forgiveness:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forgive
None of the definitions of forgiveness have anything to do with saying a wrong act was ok or not a problem.
Think about forgiving a financial debt. It means that the debt is no longer held against the person. That's it. It doesn't mean the money was suddenly paid. It doesn't mean loaning them more money. It doesn't mean saying the debt was not really a debt. It's simply no longer looking for that other person to pay up.
I struggle with forgiveness myself, really deeply. A common quote about forgiveness is that "unforgiveness is like drinking a poison ourselves hoping it will harm another person."
I can see where someone in recovery from trauma can get stuck on being unforgiving and seeking revenge from the abuser, or pay back. I think that in some of those cases, forgiveness can help in trauma recovery. It's not about the other person, the perpetrator, but the person who was victimized and their own freedom.
I think we should report the crimes endured, stand up against the wrong, get away from the abuser, seek restitution if that is fitting and possible, etc. Call out abuse as abuse and hold people/perpetrators accountable. I think it's possible, perhaps even important for some people, to be very angry about the abuse, and still forgive. It's a very complex matter, and hard to achieve.
I think forgiveness might be something to consider doing when someone begins to destroy themselves with hate of the other person. No longer seeking payment is not the same as saying it was ok or that the anger at them goes away.
I think forgiveness in terms of trauma has little to do with the other person, but how we deal with what to do with ourselves after the trauma happens. It's about our own hearts.
That all being said, I stink at forgiveness. I have moments where honestly, I kind of want revenge. I don't want to hurt the perpetrators, but in my heart, I want them to make up for what they did to me. (Which is quite impossible.) I want them to fix what they did to me. I want someone, anyone to make it different. (I know stupid and childish thinking.)
For a period of time, I did seek out for one particular abuser to make up for what they did to me, and I consumed myself, and it didn't lead to much good. Now, I am trying to find that healthy place where yeah, I was traumatized, it was wrong, never going to let those people back in my life again, going to protect myself in every way possible, going to feel the anger, sadness and horrible pain and work through it, but not spin myself out, make my own self feel like crap, seeking for them to make up for what they did to me. Which to me, is forgiveness.
Edited to add:
For trauma survivors, I think it is cruel to tell them to just forgive a person. It often is said in an invalidating way, like "you need to just forgive them" as if the problem was a lack of forgiveness, and not the actual trauma that happened, or like it will make everything all ok. That's just not how it works. Forgiveness or not, I believe that being angry at a perpetrator is a stage some trauma survivors need to go through, to reclaim their voice, their rights, their sense of self, and to call out the wrong of the person(s) who hurt them.
