Frustrated wih therapy and being pathologized

[ILoveLife]

Is your resistance like mine..? I don't like being supported, as I don't think there's healing possible.

Writing it down sounds good. :)

 

[Justmehere]

I fear “help.” I rather run wrestle a tiger to the ground myself than ask someone else to save me from it. I rather counterphobically handle it myself... than let someone else help.

Oh geez, maybe this is why my therapist was a few weeks ago telling me she hopes that someday I can let someone help me save me? “There can be helpers who don’t hurt you.”

 

[ILoveLife]

Yeah.. I can relate :) might be good to discuss this with her

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah. You are probably right.

 

[Still Standing]

maybe it could be a letter to list my concerns and what I’d like instead?

Yup. This sounds like a great thing to do. It would give you both something substantial to work with, giving you a more honest view toward your own thoughts concerning the counseling process.

she hopes that someday I can let someone help me save me? “There can be helpers who don’t hurt you.”

She is correct, you know. There are good people around who won't hurt you. Your walls are so high and so tightly built around you that you cannot see that. One simple example, @Justmehere, is this: Are we hurting you? You are trusting us, who you cannot see and do not know, really. We are not hurting you. Have you considered this? Considering the number of folks who are on this forum and who respond to you, the odds are that very few to none have hurt you. I would think this is good proof that there are "real" people around you in the "real" world who would be kind and thoughtful toward you, too. What do you think? You might be more willing to let someone into your life as a helper, than you thought! :)

 

[Friday]

most trauma therapists in my area quickly say they don’t know how to handle my type of trauma. :/ I made calls a few weeks ago to find someone new and it fizzled out fast. I tried last fall to find someone new and it didn’t work out.

I can’t get myself to be vulnerable enough. That’s the pattern with others. They say it’s the type of trauma but they don’t bring that up until they run into my limits of how vulnerable I can be.

Slightly tangential... but it’s very much the same here. I spent a bazillion years attempting to find a trauma therapist with a background in ANY of my hard stuff... and finally had to leave the state (only a 5 hour drive each way, not like, leaving Texas bad) to find one.

It really IS super important, not just a blow off, from my own experience.

I’ve tried working with people who don’t have that background and what it ends up being is 90% my explaining stuff (because 90% of their reaction was completely bassackwards and not useful!), 5% them sharing how they’d researched that -shocker- what I had explained last session was not only true, but common with people with my history! :banghead: and 5% of my saying something, with 90% of their reaction being completely bassackwards and not useful.

I got more done in a WEEK with a trauma therapist who got me, than in a whole year with a therapist whose entire background/education/training/experience was in not-my-issues.

A hand surgeon and a heart surgeon both went to medical school, both specialized in surgery, but what they’re GOOD at? Is what they trained in. Switching surgeries would make them clumsy at best, and switching specialties makes most of them utterly hopeless. It is soooooooo rare to find anyone who switch hits. Regardless of what field/specialty they practice.

 

[Justmehere]

with 90% of their reaction being completely bassackwards and not useful.

Exactly. Trying to stick it out with them as they go from denial... to learning... to OMGTHATREALLYHAPPENS... to whatever... gets me nowhere in a hurry.

This is the second therapist who at least isn't phased by it... (The first was at a specialty inpatient trauma clinic.) She also doesn't react to my reactions about therapy or therapists. She has stayed steady. Maybe I feel dismissed because she is so nonreactive to my shit? I dunno. It's worth it to try to sort it out with her. If not, it would be a long search and drive to another who is the right fit.

 

[scout86]

fear “help.

I'm was trying to figure out a diplomatic way of saying that,, but you beat me to it. :)

And, I think I recognize it because I'm the same way. Right now, I'm a little concerned that you're looking for a way to blow this up because you're getting uncomfortably close to actually trusting this T. I've gotten the idea that she's pretty good. Maybe not perfect, but who is?

I've spent a lot of time in therapy talking about not talking about stuff. It's been a good investment. Talking about the process really isn't a waste time. (Neither is humor, imo) My T seems to think "vulnerability" is a good thing too. I think it's an invitation to get killed. We've agreed to disagree. :)

Anyway, keep thrashing away at this. I think you're making progress and that can be terrifying. But your can handle it.

 

[hithere]

I feel like we have the same therapist. I hate when my therapist wants to be all jovial and jokey and friendly when I am being serious. Something about really rubs me the wrong way. Although recently I've identified why that is a trigger for me and why it isn't my therapist doing a bad job. There was actually an association I was making from my abuse situation but it was so buried and not aware of it--but a few parts totally were aware of it. Took a long time. I'm working now (counterphobically) to try and "receive" the happy face, jovial persona... as an attempt to connect with me.... it IS SO HARD.... and now that I know what that association--- lots of cuss words inserted here----- so hard. I don't even know if I made sense just now

 

[hithere]

vulnerability equals getting killed. Yes.

 

[MyWillow]

vulnerability equals getting killed. Yes.

Yep. Nailed that for me too.

 

[Justmehere]

She is correct, you know. There are good people around who won't hurt you. Your walls are so high and so tightly built around you that you cannot see that. One simple example, @Justmehere, is this: Are we hurting you? You are trusting us, who you cannot see and do not know, really. We are not hurting you. Have you considered this? Considering the number of folks who are on this forum and who respond to you, the odds are that very few to none have hurt you. I would think this is good proof that there are "real" people around you in the "real" world who would be kind and thoughtful toward you, too. What do you think? You might be more willing to let someone into your life as a helper, than you thought! :)

^^^ This. Brought (good) tears to my eyes.

I also panic when I realize this! FORPETESSAKE. WTF. Ugh. Really connecting to the reality of such deep kindness and help at the distance of the interwebs... even that is hard. :( My brain is like DANGER DANGER DANGER... but ya'll are good to me. :)

So frustrated with myself.

And, I think I recognize it because I'm the same way. Right now, I'm a little concerned that you're looking for a way to blow this up because you're getting uncomfortably close to actually trusting this T.

Very good point - this is very possible. More than I'd like to admit. :( I trust her with a lot, but not with what we have been working on: my childhood. The past 5 days have been a mess. No, the past few months have been a mess. The last session spiked symptoms really badly. I think my head might be trying to find a reason to justify running away....

I've spent a lot of time in therapy talking about not talking about stuff. It's been a good investment. Talking about the process really isn't a waste time. (Neither is humor, imo) My T seems to think "vulnerability" is a good thing too. I think it's an invitation to get killed.

Exactly.

My trauma history makes is especially hard to handle "helping" when vulnerable.

Took a long time. I'm working now (counterphobically) to try and "receive" the happy face, jovial persona... as an attempt to connect with me.... it IS SO HARD....

That's really awesome! Good way to look at it.