Geordie's Diary

[SeanCharles]

Today was wonderful. I registered on a site and talked to a few strangers tonight. At one point I even contrast/compared how working and doing customer engagement has allowed me to interact with strangers. While at work, there are those I interact with daily, some I have known for many many years now.

I feel comfort so far while I am on a mission to perhaps seek the answers that the professionals seem to scratch their heads on wondering what makes me tick. A few in the past have told me, No! you can't do that or do this, When someone tells me No!, (except in certain situations) I will find a way to turn that NO! into a yes or otherwise prove that individual wrong.

 

[SeanCharles]

<Sean> Thanks Geordie! Today has been a good day. I am glad that our research has brought us here. I know that there will be those who may read this as pure psychobabble, to them, I say "I would not wish the personal hell that 'we' are dealing with on anyone else!" "Until our paths cross, you don't know who we are and the 'crap' that this life dishes out to us!"

For those who may read this and can relate, or if you can at least empathize, you know that we walk the same road. Goodnight and sweet dreams for those who unfortunately deal with the negative dreams.

 

[SeanCharles]

I took my ESD (in my Avitar) to the vet today for what turned into two conditions. The primary reason for the appointment was a followup to the initial appointment I had made after finding a lump. I happened to notice that the lump increased double the size that it was upon the first visit, and the vet did not seem overly concerned, although keywords he said concerned me a bit even though he didn't seem concerned.

The vet today however was concerned at the size and has scheduled an appointment to at least remove the lump and will keep the sample to be sent off for further analysis. The second thing this vet treated was a ripped claw which was completely removed prior to our visit when the dog was playing with her beloved frisbee. She had like many times jumped the fence thinking the frisbee had gone over the fence. In actuality the frisbee landed in the yard. I had not noticed the bleeding until we came in the house and I was able to see that one of her rear paws was bloody and was leaving blood everywhere. So, like her daddy, She is being medicated too! I am on medication for the treatment of seizures which I have an appointment for on the 20th.

 

[SeanCharles]

I decided to write a little about my second trauma here tonight. If my suspicions about the seizures are correct I believe this this trauma is connected to my past/present employment (which I will try to address what I mean through this post) with a different company.
I suspect this post may be quite long. I don't know how graphic or not this post will be since I seem to be avoiding this altogether.

Present: I work for a grocery chain which was taken over by another grocery chain before I became an employee. Upon applying to the store I first applied to 'our' Home Electronics department. Unfortunately I didn't have any retail experience to speak of so I did not get that position.

Later (a couple weeks) I have an interview with the Grocery Manager and his Assistant Manager. After 15 minutes or so into the interview the assistant manager asks me if I had a problem with her and the Grocery manager went to go discuss me privately. After being left alone in the grocery food loft (an office/storage space) all alone for what felt like an eternity, they were likely gone maybe 10 to 25 minutes with a decision. I had been hired. (pending a drug screen which was done that day and all the background checks. (my hire date and anniversary was/is may 29th, 2008) For this interview, I used a previous work experience which is/was somewhat similar to what I was doing from 2008 to June 2013.

I have not shared this experience in therapy or really talked to anyone about this experience with my present situation which has me wondering even more.

After starting on the job and going through the orientation, there was a fear that festered... This fear was one that until I realized that what happened before would likely not happen again in an employment situation. Have I been right, yes.

 

[SeanCharles]

Picking up from this previous reply...

Sometime in 1989 (I am dating myself a little here) I began a job working with an agency which had a contract doing night stocking at a grocery (commissary) on a military base. A week or two after I had started the supervisor pulled me into a restroom to supposedly do a task. ugh! I don't want to be graphic here... This event was unusual I will admit. Anyway, sadly after this encounter the job ended for me without warning or written or verbal notice.

 

[SeanCharles]

<Sean> I know you want to be able to share this trauma; I don't think now is the time yet to do so in this medium. We do need to consider therapy which we do have some access to.

 

[SeanCharles]

Today has been extremely emotionally challenging. I am redoing an exam of my thyroid which I complete tomorrow morning. In many ways I wonder if this condition is tied to my suspicion of being misdiagnosed/mistreated because of being one of two anti-convulsant medications for the duration I was on until it stopped working. Then today in the course of contacting the neurology clinic (unfortunately w only have one in town!) I learned that they refuse to see me because I stopped therapy. I am not sure what therapy the receptionist was referring to and I did not ask for clarification. They did mention that my primary doc was notified of this situation. I am wondering now what to do since what I have found to be my possible answers to my seizure episodes and the fact that I am on my second medication as to what other health concerns I will have to deal with in addition to my thyroid. I am anxious to find out the results of this thyroid uptake test. I had this test done about three years ago when it was initially diagnosed by my primary doc.

At least I have an eye exam tomorrow which will be interesting because before that my emotional support dog is supposed to have her stitches removed; apparently they are coming out tonight or have loosened slightly. I notice that my stress/anxiety and this rejection from the neurology clinic has me spiraling. At least I have a safety net in place which will not let me going SI.

 

[SeanCharles]

Ugh! Today was a major roller coaster ride on a wild course. This wasn't like a scene from The Twilight Zone... maybe in ways it did feel like that. I am having repeat feelings like I don't belong in the job I am in... Something transpired and my boss chooses not to tell me why my responsibilities have radically changed when I walked in today.

To say that today was like most Mondays is more like having your Wednesday hump with a steep uphill grade shoved to the front of the week!

We do have a road that kinda reminds me of this example above. on the way out to our hot springs resort there is a road with a couple of hills that you have to go over and then one hill further down that is a major royal pain if you're biking. When I was younger I biked the sixty miles out to the hot springs many many years ago.

Unfortunately I am in a downward spiral and doing what I can to keep myself from going into a tailspin! I know that I will survive this week without any negative actions on my part. Just felt like posting here and maybe someone will respond or at least will relate...

 

[BLHutch]

Sorry I'm not responding until today, rather than yesterday when you posted. I'm a big fan of the Twilight Zone......but only on TV. Not living it in person. Has anything happened at work that might have caused the change in responsibilities? I mean, are they restructuring the company or something? I confess total ignorance as to how these type things go. I've spent my whole adult life as a firefighter and then a police officer and so other than the adjunct teaching that I do now, I've never worked in a traditional environment.

Regardless, it is kind of crappy for them to change your responsibilities without at least giving you a heads up or maybe an explanation. Did you ask them for one? I don't know if that would be a good idea or not, I'm just thinking out loud.

But look at it this way, tomorrow is Wednesday and your week will be half over. You'll make it through your week and I'll make it through mine. We'll do it together.

 

[The Albatross]

Break it down and do the best you can Geordie. Let the rest slide. Try to separate the normal living stress from the PTSD stress. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Glad to read that you will survive this week without any negative reactions on your part. And BREATHE, breathe through the stress.

 

[SeanCharles]

My instinct is correct despite mixed communication. This change is temporary because of several inspections that has everyone in management under stress. I know that corporate will be here next week (Wednesday) to do a white glove inspection.

 

[SeanCharles]

Whew! I just had a seizure aura which didn't lead to a seizure. The oddity of this one is that it came on suddenly when I was outside with my ESD and we were playing.