Geordie's Diary

[ms spock]

Geordie told me all the stuff he does in his workplace each day in chat one Saturday.

It was amazing, in two hours, Geordie told me how he juggles so much competently and proficiently. I was seriously impressed. He is GREAT at lateral thinking and managing a high volume workload. No wonder he is tired on the weekends, but what an achievement!

I am looking forward to being able to be like Geordie when I grow up. Seriously Geordie, don't underestimate yourself. You are brave, intelligent, resourceful and inventive. These are great skills to have and great skills to be proud of Geordie. I worry that you underestimate yourself Geordie.

I think your self care could be improved, (so can mine.)

Anyway I have thought of what you were saying to me that Saturday and I wanted to make sure that I mentioned how impressed with your ability to make creative choices and manage your workplace I was. Great stuff. Inspirational.

 

[BLHutch]

@Ms Spock

I agree Ms. Spock. Geordie showed me some of the website that he was working on (in his spare time!) and it was VERY good.

Geordie, you are a talented guy!

 

[ms spock]

Too true @BLHutch!

His website was really cool, as well, on top of the other stuff he does.

 

[SeanCharles]

Thank you both! This website project while being a spare time project is what I am hoping can become a supplemental income and maybe develop into a full time job for me in which I can move from one corporation to my own! That's the goal. Like me with my PTSD, it's baby steps. One foot in front of the other.

Shifting the focus...

A recent post has had me doing some processing again... With the post that I have responded twice to, I have had some realizations now that I caught glimpses of previously and didn't make the connections or maybe I did back then too. I know that at work I appear to be a single person, Inward I am five in one! In a sense because of the disassociation and the Dissociative Identity Disorder combined with the PTSD and possibly ADHD too, I can see how I am constantly under the microscope especially when some tasks that are expected to be completed in a timely fashion sometimes aren't or were skipped and replaced with other tasks that needed me.


It's refreshing when a post hits so close to home as that one did, because it has helped to me to process some of the questions surrounding the past. I know that I can't change the past, I can definitely learn from that experience as I often do.

Even though I devote my life to my work, I do feel a sense of loneliness and want companionship of another human being too. In many ways I know too that I have to first heal the wounds of the past and also take better care of my selves which is not always easy as someone who doesn't deal with the many in one issue that I am faced with. This has been a coping mechanism which is one I live with and helps me survive.

Why can family be so difficult when they think they know you, want to have your back, yet they don't know you fully as you know you? hopefully that question makes sense as I know it does to me to a degree.

 

[SeanCharles]

Another ah ha moment struck while reading someone's post. Rather than reply to their post, I come to my diary.

In retrospect, I live in the very state in which my own traumas occurred. Moving from here is not a viable option as If I had that option available.

I realize now, even more so than I have in the last twelve years or so that I am stuck. As much as I love my mom and maybe don't honor her as I should (i.e. Making her feel rejected or unappreciated except when I need her covering my back where financial support is needed) I feel that I do honor her and that our eye to eye contact is misaligned.

I wonder now if she feels badly in part because I could not share with her the trauma that I endured. I know that back in the day, her reaction was not going to help me at the time. I know too that her and my biological father's relationship had hit rock bottom and that they were going to go separate ways.

 

[SeanCharles]

This week has been a busy one with the Winter Olympics going on in town. The last time we hosted these was in the '80s prior to my uncovering of my first trauma. I have found the television movie on YouTube which is the full movie and isn't missing pieces which I have discovered with other parts of this movie.

My reaction to awakening my past resulted in a very confused mixed emotional state which with Dissociative Identity Disorder was escalated even further not being co-conscious like I am today. The events that occurred in this movie while not totally identical were close enough to home to trigger me in ways I never thought possible.

At one point, I had walked my dog, not the same one I have now, down to go sit by the river which runs through this town to sit and think. (So I thought).

At some point, the dog was placed into the water, before I became aware of the here and now (the year as 1989!), after which I realized the dog was in the river and someone was having thoughts of jumping into the river. Thankfully I didn't give into the strong SI thoughts and the murder of the dog that was also being thought at the time and was able to talk whomever was behind this SI plan.

Being the ever resourceful person I have been since my independence in 1988, I sought out counseling for myself not knowing, yet having other issues which would compound the momentum of healing because of substance abuse.

I suspect this particular post is going to be a bit long and hopefully someone will find it. In terms of the SI and wanting to murder what I feel is an emotional rock is a thing of the past, I have come to understand what happened, why it happened and I am confident that what happened then won't be a repeated occurrence. Knowing this is a diary which is not private, I will not explain the full thought/action process here as this this something I have come to agreement with as well as an understand with myself and the internal 'parts' who were involved with that situation. I am sharing this for the sake of further documenting and coming a bit closer to being able to as I see 'gently closing the door on the past' this is a tool I gained from my past peer support experience. In terms of this first trauma, I still feel that it does affect me, especially where work is concerned.

Dealing with my mom on a daily basis also doesn't help me as my feelings toward her are very mixed. I love her, yet I feel like I am looking at a stranger even though I have known this woman since birth since 'parts' that deal with her, know her and feel a variety of mixed and raw emotions towards her, yet she doesn't know and won't know these parts because these parts have been with me a very long time before my own awareness of them.

I think I am gonna end this for now since my emotions are at war!

 

[SeanCharles]

Let's see if what happens with this Reply...

Because of my age at the time, I was six months of age biologically, this is to my first time coming to Alaska from California. My parents decided (on the account of my father's alcoholism and or pill usage which caused his inability to keep a job for a duration) to move to Alaska.

My mom and I flew up on a commercial flight. We had a house which had a propane clothes dryer. The bugger I was at the time kept blowing out the pilot light, which much to delight and much to my mom's chagrin required her to have to lift the dryer up and re-light the pilot light. Another fascination I had for some reason was placing my toys in the dryer. (these two events come from talking with my mom and I figured I would at least start with these two and see where this progresses).

Two years later, It's packing time! We're headed to California Again! I think the problem was that my father burnt his bridges and my mom had friends in California. Whatever the reasoning, I believe on this trip back to California, I would undergo some medical testing in which I would be diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. This testing was fascinating for a variety of reasons. I will explain further in my next post.

 

[SeanCharles]

Picking up...

While I don't have a lot of memories, or if I do they are locked away from me at the moment; Basically This is last move from California to Alaska two years later. I remember that my mom placed a mattress in the back of the old Volkswagen bus it was blue. We had at the time along with my toys and everything else we needed (i.e. clothes, etc.) were placed in the vehicle. At the time, I threw a tantrum which in ways wasn't me because unbeknown to myself or my parents, that I was in a state of disassociation and while I somehow knew what I didn't know about future events, the move happened anyway because of parental decision making.

Upon arriving in Alaska, the first order of business for my parents was to acquire housing. Because of our pipeline construction project which was the reason my parents made this move for us, the housing had to occur fast due to the cut throat housing market. (I hope this makes sense) Thankfully my parents had connections and we were able to rent an airstream trailer for the last of the summer months. My mom was able to locate a log home for us... Sadly this log home would be the place in which the secrets which would occupy Pandora's box were to be made.

 

[SeanCharles]

This house was a log home being sold by a military couple. The house was log with a cinder block basement. It had 2 bedrooms, one was converted into two bedrooms, and had one bathroom on the second floor, from the second floor where these bedrooms were, you could go up three steps and you'd be in the living room.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi Geordie, how are you?

 

[SeanCharles]

@Snowwhite I'm doing alright. It's my two day weekend, so I am doing what I need to clear the toxic thoughts of the week from my head and realize that I am being driven by the toxicity of the situation to find a way to change it before I am totally absorbed by the situation or I am forced to endure worse. Right now I am enjoying my solitude. Thanks for asking. How are you doing?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

It's a good thing you realise that it's the toxic situation driving you right now, and not you. I hope you'll have a nice and peaceful weekend, so that you can recover enough to take on next week with less effort. I also hope your ESD will provide you with a pleasant distraction :)

I'm doing okay, thanks for asking. I'm on my way to my parents' house, almost there. Then I hope to fall into a nice and long sleep (it's 11.30pm here). Goodnight :)