Relationship Girlfriend With Ptsd Avoids Me - When Do I Give Up?

[HopelessBoyfriend]

I met a girl through an internet dating site. She's wonderful and it wasn't long before we had a daily routine of phone calls, and trading pictures. As a relatively attractive and successful guy, I've had plenty of relationships, but never found someone who had the same specific goals in life as me (i.e. a girl who wants to be a traditional stay-at-home housewife, wants to have a family, wants a man to support her, wants to support her man, etc.).

Well, anyway, I knew she was the girl for me, but she kept missing our "first dates." Something would always come up at the last second; she wouldn't actually cancel, she just wouldn't show up, and I would only get an excuse the next day. I started suspecting something was amiss.

Fast forward: she reveals to me a horrible story of her past. Maybe the most horrible story I've ever heard. She explains that she has PTSD which leads to severe anxiety and panic attacks. She covers these up with excuses the next day.

I love the girl tremendously, and she's actually a very large part of my life. I stay on the phone with her every night as she falls asleep, and I even came up with a few tricks to help her with her anxiety so she can relax. She confided a lot in me, and I'm trying super duper hard to be there for her and to never make her feel guilty for the troubles she has.

This past weekend, I was supposed to meet her at her home and trade Christmas gifts. I drove there only to find out she had given me a fake address. When I got her on the phone she could barely talk. She was trying to tell me her address, but couldn't do it. I believe she wanted to see me, but couldn't work through the anxiety. It broke my heart, but there was nothing I could do. I just went home.

We try to meet for lunch, coffee, dinner... I've invited her to my place... and I've invited her to bring friends or family to meet for the first time. It always ends the same way: something comes up (usually her anxiety) I end up sitting in a restaurant like an idiot until I finally go home.

I don't want to disappoint her and I certainly don't want to abandon her... but I'm not getting what I want out of this relationship. I'm torn! I love the girl, and I'm sure I won't find another girl like her. She is certainly my perfect match. I'm being as accommodating as I know how to be but I don't know what to do. I want someone I can hug, and kiss, and fall asleep with. Someone to share real life events with. A girl I can marry some day.

But I don't want to leave her. She says I'm her white knight and her protector. She gets anxious sometimes when I tell her I'll be out of touch for an evening.

She's a sweet girl who has been subjected to the worst thing I can imagine, it's not her fault she's like this, and she doesn't deserve to be abandoned, but this has been going on for almost a year. It's been 11 months, and we still haven't even met.

Does anyone have any advice?

-A Hopeless Boyfriend

 

[The Albatross]

The "White Knight / Protector" thing is a flag. She's leaning on you and you may accept the role now, but can lead to resentment and retaliation or abandonment later on. The fake address is a flag too. Perhaps you can constrain your role for now to a friend instead of a boyfriend? She needs more help than a relationship can offer though.

Hope others come on and give you advice... I'm a sufferer and not a supporter.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes a fake address would set off warning bells for me, so would being 'stood up' repeatedly.

 

[BigBear]

OK, to start with, if you aren't in this for the long haul, get out NOW!

I want someone I can hug, and kiss, and fall asleep with. Someone to share real life events with. A girl I can marry some day.

Can you deal with it if that took 5 or 10 years (meaning before you got that first hug)? It will also demand that your plans come second and her true needs come first. You'll have to do serious research to find out what those needs really are. She won't be able to tell you. 90% of the time, she can't know. What she knows is how to find substitutes, but those substitutes don't solve the problem.

If you truly love her, then you won't phase terribly over all of this.

Please feel free to ask any questions that you want. Also please do a lot of reading on our forum!

Hope you make the right decision!

Bear

 

[Tinyflame]

.. You'll have to do serious research to find out what those needs really are. She won't be able to tell you. 90% of the time, she can't know. What she knows is how to find substitutes, but those substitutes don't solve the problem.

That hits the nail on the head-

 

[HopelessBoyfriend]

I guess I don't know what to do then... I don't want to give up on her. She deserves to be happy. But we both want kids before we hit our thirties (at least that's what she says). Five years before a hug? Is it really that hopeless? She hugs her male neighbor (she bought a home just a few years ago) and her father.

I just figured if she would meet me she'd feel more comfortable and stop running from it. Once she met me, she'd want to see me more and more. She keeps telling me she's almost ready and I want to believe her, but the past has shown that it's not quite true. She's had boyfriends since her traumatic event, so I'm not really breaking new ground here.

 

[The Albatross]

But you have not met her face to face? I am guarded and suspicious by nature and think that you are a doubtless caring man... but if you allow an atmosphere of deception and dishonesty you are setting yourself up, if a physical relationship manifests, for her to have a reasonable expectation that you are accepting of this behavior.

Blunt is a fault of mine and forgive me in advance. If the courtship of a relationship is based on dishonesty, it can cause a whole lot of hurt later... because you've been conditioned to accept life on her terms.

Why do you think you deserve the way you've been treated? If she's had "boyfriends in the past", then why string you along for 11 months (?).

 

[HopelessBoyfriend]

but if you allow an atmosphere of deception and dishonesty you are setting yourself up, if a physical relationship manifests, for her to have a reasonable expectation that you are accepting of this behavior.

Okay, that's EXACTLY what I'm worried about. But I don't have the option of adopting my normal alpha-male stature in this relationship. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Early on I would "reprimand" her; in fact, I told her that if it happened again that'd we'd be done.

But between her health and her history, I can't bring myself to hurt her like that. To boot, I do actually get something out of the relationship. She is a sweet and funny girl and her stated life goals line up very well with mine. And the fact is, she does feel guilty when she doesn't show up... she usually calls sobbing.

She claims that the long wait is because she's never felt this way about someone and she's petrified of what it means. For her, those past boyfriends weren't intimidating because she'd lose nothing if they left her, but she says she loves me very much (which, maybe, is something she hasn't felt in a long time).

I know I don't deserve to be treated this way, and she knows it too. That's why I registered here, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Do I wait and let her become ready? Do I encourage her? Do I push her? Do I give her ultimatums?

 

[BigBear]

Five years before a hug? Is it really that hopeless? She hugs her male neighbor (she bought a home just a few years ago) and her father.

I didn't say that it would be that. I said that you'd need to be prepared for that. There is no telling how her recovery will go and what obstacles will have to be overcome to make that recovery.

For Instance:

You think she told you about her background. But you don't really know that. That might be only what she remembers. My wife spent 25 years with no practical memory of what really happened to her. 12 years later, she's still recovering memories.

It may also be only the things that she can admit to herself. When she was abused, if her mind had to accept fully what had happened to her, she would have literally died. Remember, she wanted to tell you her address but she couldn't. What else can't she tell you?

As you say, she deserves the best. The question that you have have to ask yourself is do I have the guts to BE the best!

HTH,

Bear

 

[BigBear]

Why do you think you deserve the way you've been treated? If she's had "boyfriends in the past", then why string you along for 11 months (?).

Alba's point is just as valid as mine. There are two sides on the coin to be examined here. Don't discount either one...

 

[HopelessBoyfriend]

As you say, she deserves the best. The question that you have have to ask yourself is do I have the guts to BE the best!

I don't need to be taunted into loving my girlfriend. 11 months without holding hands should, I hope, be proof enough that I care about her and that my character is of sufficient quality. Do I have the guts? Absolutely.

But, again, I registered here to find out what I'm supposed to do. In my mind, I'm clearly doing something wrong... I'm doing something differently than all of the other men in her life. She has a very successful career in the mental health industry where she's able to help people who have suffered similar traumas as her; she meets new people (potentially dangerous people) every day. But I'm doing something that's making her not want to meet me.

 

[The Albatross]

You are talking about a person you haven't met and interacted with 3D (three dimensionally).

I think there is something fundamentally wrong about that. It reeks of an intellectual exercise on both your parts. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with platonic relationships, I have benefited from them myself. But I never, never... cultivated expectations for more with the man.