Relationship Girlfriend With Ptsd Avoids Me - When Do I Give Up?

[The Albatross]

To boot, I do actually get something out of the relationship. She is a sweet and funny girl and her stated life goals line up very well with mine. And the fact is, she does feel guilty when she doesn't show up... she usually calls sobbing.

What is this your pay off in this relationship? Everything we do has a pay off. I think some self examination is called for here.

 

[The Albatross]

I will, respectfully withdrawl now from this topic... I thnk I've said what was pinging for me.

 

[HopelessBoyfriend]

Why is this your pay off in this relationship? Everything we do has a pay off. I think some self examination is called for here.

She's sweet and funny. Is that not a good enough payoff? I'm happy when she calls, and I enjoy joking around with her. She's smart and dorky and we have very similar senses of humor. I'm not sure what self-examination I need to perform; is it weird to be happy to talk to someone you value?

 

[The Albatross]

No. Clearly after 11 months interaction, it is (or was) enough. But based on the needs of your intended love interest... well, talk is hardly the interaction that a family is made of. Even if one professes that being a wife and child rearing is a common interest, it takes some 3D. I think it's okay to value this relationship, but also wise to doubt that it moves you toward your goal of finding a wife and mother for your children. Blessings. I'm off the thread... been more vocal than I'm comfortable with. Good luck to you.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Hopelessboyfriend- May I ask you how much you actually understand about PTSD? Ptsd can mean a wild list of what most people would consider as crazy.

But meanwhile, you have been answering your own questions as you ask them. She has been in relationships since her trauma. Yet she will not meet with you, not under any set of circumstances in which you have presented of which all are safe options (such as meeting her with her friends or family members present), and even went so far as to giving you an incorrect address. I can not speak for what anyone else would or would not do, but if I were concerned about giving a man (or any person for that matter) my address, I most certainly would not be inclined to giving him an incorrect one! I would just let them know that I was not comfortable in giving it. Paranoia doesn't mean that you have to mislead and allow someone else to make a fool out of themselves. Enough said.

PTSD does not give a person the excuse to treat you like their toy- playing with you while they want to, and tossing you aside when they have lost interest. That is something else, like behavioral issues- not PTSD. She may well have PTSD, but some of the ways that she chooses to behave cannot be excused by PTSD.

What you see is what you get, and if what you see is what you want, then keep doing what you're doing until you can't anymore.

 

[HopelessBoyfriend]

I guess I'm getting one important piece of information from this... generally speaking, her condition might not justify her actions.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Her condition does not justify her actions. Period.

Symptoms are one thing. I understand paranoia, caution, fear, etc. I understand all of it. But what she is doing, her behavior is way far off from being excused by saying "PTSD" and wrapping a pretty little red bow around it and pawning it off as something that it isn't. Her actions towards you are a choice.

I do admire your passion for her. I just think, IMHO, it is severely misplaced.

 

[HopelessBoyfriend]

Well, have I been doing something wrong all this time? At first I would get really upset, but I've tempered my reaction (I guess because I expect to be stood up now). I don't yell, as a policy. I think people who raise their voice to communicate must lack sufficient content in their words. But when I speak sternly to her she shuts down and can't respond or communicate.

When I get her to "take a step back" and look at how things are, she fully agrees that 11 months is absurd. There's no misunderstanding between us.

Should I offer an ultimatum? "We need a date before xx/xx/xx or else we're done." I feel like that's super cruel, and I know she won't respond well to it. At best it makes me feel like an inconsiderate person and it makes her feel awful and guilty.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I think giving you a phony address on top of standing you up multiple times if far more cruel than you asking her to have a meet by date. PTSD is no excuse for what you have explained of her behavior.

I think you should look at all of the resources available on this web site. It will explain the symptoms. While paranoia is not uncommon, no where in paranoia does it say that you should make up and offer an invalid address as your own when you feel paranoid. The action is choice. Her choice. Your choice is to accept her behavior, or to use your common sense and look at what she is doing for what it is.

As I said, what you see is what you get, if you want what you see, the keep doing what you're doing until you can't anymore.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

I guess I'm getting one important piece of information from this... generally speaking, her condition might not justify her actions.

HopelessBoyfriend.... her condition absolutely does not justify her actions!!!

I am a sufferer and trying to be a supporter as well. I don't know anything about this girls trauma but it sounds an aweful lot like how I used to be! My early trauma was sexual abuse, and let me tell you about the phases I went through! First I locked out all recollection of the event even happening, I lied through my teeth to myself and my family because I felt it was better that no one know so no one could judge me! Then eventually I had to tell someone, circumstances made me have to. Once it was all out in the open I was able to go through all the grieving processes I needed to, sought out councilling, so on and so forth! Then I stopped, I convinced myself I was all better and I didnt need therapy anymore! The I started dateing, A LOT! Became a person that no one truly wanted to know, love or tolerate! I kept up with that for a very very long time! Then something hit me, an epiphany if you will, that I wasn't healed! I needed more help than ever! So I started getting help again! During the waiting period in between referrals and appointments I went into lockdown mode. I continued to try and make new relationships happen, ironically online because that way when I started freaking out all I had to do was shut the computer off, I would chat with tons of people, even exchange phone numbers. But when it came down to meeting anyone, there was every excuse in the book to not go and I stood up a lot of men! it took years of therapy and self work to get to a "normal" state.

I guess what I am trying to say is that if she truly is suffering from PTSD then her treatment isn't going so well. She seems like she is one step away from becoming agoraphobic which believe me is a horrible way to live! If you want her and you love her, then you as a supporter need to clearly set your boundaries! You have to tell her that as much as you care about her, you will not be made to feel the way that you do. Its been long enough for her to have gotten used to the idea of having you around, she trusts you enough to share some of her story and that means its time for her to let you in! Boundaries are the single most effective way of dealing with some of the things that happen when you either suffer from PTSD or support someone suffering with PTSD! You just have to make yourself clear!!!

Happy Holidays

 

[BigBear]

I don't need to be taunted into loving my girlfriend. 11 months without holding hands should, I hope, be proof enough that I care about her and that my character is of sufficient quality. Do I have the guts? Absolutely.

I know that I sound harsh, but the simple matter of the fact is this: When that vaunted (and worthwhile) "3D" relationship happens, the craziness of the environment cubes. You are in the easy part right now. That's why I say "do you have the guts".

You are on the training field and they are currently shooting over your head. When you hit the battle field, they will be trying to shoot between your eyes. (They may not mean to but they sure will be.) I'm just trying to prepare you for the reality of the situation...

Bear

 

[HopelessBoyfriend]

I'm not sure I have it in me to be so awful to her. I know I havent made it obvious, but shes a good girl, a good person, and very sweet. I just want her to be happy. (sorry about the quality, I'm on my phone).