Relationship Girlfriend With Ptsd Avoids Me - When Do I Give Up?

[BigBear]

i'm not sure i have it in me to be so awful

I know I'm pushing my luck, but how about being her friend for a while. Friends have more rights than SO's do (IMO). One of her biggest needs right now is to have effective therapy from professionals. If you can help her toward that end, you help both of your end goals...

Bear

 

[HopelessBoyfriend]

She just started therapy a couple of months ago.

 

[Tinyflame]

If this is genuinely a question regarding her anxiety (legitimately), I would back off.
Let her be the one to bring up the topic of meeting again. If you choose to meet, tell her you want to but that if she doesn't show up you will be hurt. And tell her that you don't care how she looks or if she's a nervous wreck.
If she is as sweet as you say she is, she won't want to hurt you- ptsd or not.

 

[HopelessBoyfriend]

Well, thats the thing. she really really doesnt want to hurt me. and I've told her that she can be nervous, shy, or anything... I even told her she can be sick all over me. I gave her permission. she sometimes gets so nervous she cant keep her food down, so I told her that she can... vacate... all over me and that I would only love her.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, no one could say, do or forgive someone more than that(!)

What I'm saying is- ptsd or not- if she really doesn't want to hurt you then at some point she will overcome those fears if for no other reason so as not to hurt you.

Perhaps she dissociates and is too embarrassed to admit she can't remember where she is or what she should be doing? Whatever the case, if she is legitimate there is much fear there, I would let her be the one to initiate contact.
I would also try to be somewhat spontaneous in terms of planning.

Perhaps turn it the other way- suggest that you are wondering what she'd think meeting you? Though at this point you may very well feel that way.

Perhaps she's left out some big detail (or at least 'big', to her) as regards her physical appearance, etc(?)

 

[DragonLady]

I think you should have a talk with her. Back down out of the ”boyfriend” role and be her friend. Continue with the phone calls, but don't expect a meeting. Love her as your friend. If something changes and you do meet in person, go from there.

 

[Tinyflame]

I know what's missing here- 'why' has she said she does/ has done this?
Much depends on the honest answer to that. Not an in-depth psychological 'answer', just the truth.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Junebug- that is a great point. Finding the truth.

A girl who has stood you up several times- allowing you to go and wait for her at a restaurant or where ever she is to meet you, she has even intentionally given you the incorrect address for her place of residence and allowed you to go there only to find out that she gave you the wrong address on purpose.

HopelessBoyfriend's own words:

She's had boyfriends since her traumatic event, so I'm not really breaking new ground here.

She has been able to show up and was most likely able to give her real address to other men. Probably after meeting at least some of them in the same fashion as she met (and I use the word met loosely) you. And she is blaming her choices in behavior on PTSD. Well, there is the possibility of dissociation as was suggested above, and it can cause sufferers to do a number of odd things- but if she is dissociating so badly that she offers you a fake address, lets you go there to discover truth for yourself, and then is in tears, crying and can not give you the real address...

Junebug is right. And if you can't see the truth for yourself, then you and your denial will fit right into her life with PTSD.

Blaming her actions on PTSD is a disgrace IMHO. If that is how people behave and pawn it off on PTSD, then I should never tell another soul that I have PTSD for fear that I might be labeled as one of the types of people that behaves as she does. Sorry, I know I am an a$$hole, but not matter how bad I dissociate (and I do), no matter how paranoid, no matter how confused, no matter how anxious, no matter how _____ (fill in the blank w/ anything you like) I would not be so cruel as to send you to the wrong address to deliver a x-mas gift. Even with PTSD a person is capable of saying, I am not comfortable with this. But standing you up countless times, and then blatantly sending you to the wrong address- That is a choice.

This thread provokes real anger in me so I will not be back to it. I wish you the best I truly do. I hope that you take the time to really understand PTSD and are able to make a choice that is best for you, because that is all that you can do.

 

[HopelessBoyfriend]

I might just be an awful boyfriend, too. I was with my family this evening, and making cookies with my sister (she lives about 1000 miles away). My girl called because she missed me and we traded stories about my day. I told her my sister just got a new job and I was helping her with picking out insurance and retirement contributions.

When I was done, she said "is your sister retarded?" and I asked her if she was just joking around. She cited an old video I showed her (in which my sister was intentionally making a blonde joke) and I cut her off. I told her that was really rude and asked her if she felt like that was a nice thing to say. Finally, I asked her to apologize so we could forget it and move on but she wouldn't. Instead, she took a wonderful, sweet, phone call and just made it awkward. So I said why do you try to ruin everything? and she hung up. I couldnt get back in touch with her until she finally texted me "I'm done with your bullshit, I dont deserve to be treated like this." and, I guess we're broken up now... two days bevore christmas. makes me feel like a terrible person...

I apologized for snapping at her (I only spoke to her sternly, I dont yell). I explained to her why I thought it was inappropriate in my texts. BTW, she called me all the time to ask for help with car related things and computer related things and I *never* suggested she was "retarded" or anything like that for asking for help.

<Please capitalize the first letter of all sentences and all the I's. Amethist>

 

[BigBear]

I guess we're broken up now...

My opinion (strictly an opinion) is that you should let this go and walk away.

She was acting out in a way that I think is very common for PTSD. You drew a line that I don't think is unreasonable. I don't get a good feeling about continuing this.

Then again, I've been wrong before...

Bear

 

[Sterre]

uhhhh...maybe I am missing out on something here, but how do you acctually know she is not married or anything?
Smells fishy to me.

You never met her in 11 months?????
Why are you contiuing this relationship? She is sweet and really the perfect partner for you? Yeah, I can be a perfect partner for someone that I only speak to on the phone.

Have you ever set a skype date with her? Did you speak to her trough skype or some other media that shows faces while talking?

Did you ever consider she might be lying? If not...I think you are being very naive! How do you know she is who she pretends to be? Why are you investing so much in this "relationship"?:confused: Did you never read about internet scemes?
Sounds pretty strange to me, that she is able to work and such, but is not albe for 11 months to meet you in person?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

There's so much I'd like to say, but I'll keep this short.

1. This isn't a real relationship. That is, you've never met the real her.

2. It's easy to hide behind the Internet, texts, and the phone. You see but a shade of her.

3. You can't blame manipulative bitchiness on PTSD.

4. MOVE ON.