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Abstract I'm no longer destabilised by talking about trauma, but it's not just another unhappy memory either and I don't think I could expect it to ever feel that way. There was a time when I felt I needed to talk about trauma because it wouldn't leave me alone and I felt like I needed to get it out of me constantly. But I don't feel that need to talk about it anymore, it's not screeching in my ear anymore, it's quieter and more in the background and I prefer to leave them that way. At the same time, even when I think I can do it by myself, I'm aware that I still have a lot to do before life gets to a place where i want to live it.
It sounds like maybe you need support for the here and now. Are you open to going back to therapy?
I think you may be right regarding the need for support for the here and now. I am open to going back to therapy if I can't pick myself up, though it's a knock back. I'm still in the stage of thinking that talking about it here, and doing other things to help me, may work to put me back on my feet.
Can you work on reconnecting/connecting with others so that you aren't so alone?
I have started a tai-chi class to try to get myself out there in social situations. Although it's relaxing and I love it, it's not really a social situation, but it is a start.
I want to gently challenge you that there are people who care, and that cutting yourself off from therapy is sort of like a self fulfilling prophesy.
I know some people have friends and think that they don't care. But I genuinely don't have anybody who I could call on in a crisis (other than help-lines). I've always seen my therapist as a professional providing a service, and never crossed the line into thinking that she cares about me personally - I think that would be unhealthy for me, because there is a possibility that I could get attached. But at the same time, I'm listening to what you're saying, because I do self-sabatage and have a fear of becoming attached. So maybe I have walked away for fear of that.
