Going no contact with a family member that is a narcissist

[Deleted member 12723]

Today was the worst day ever, missing the kids. I hope I never have another day like today. I sat with the feelings for most of the day and it was so horrible. Now they are finally leaving me but I am so drained and exhausted from this. I tried a few things but nothing seemed to work except feeling those feelings. I have been flooded with good memories of them being here. No matter where I went in the apartment, it was so awful. Luckily a neighbor came over and we sat and talked for a little while. We made arrangements to call each other and visit each other. That really saved me today. I was not prepared for how strong the feelings were and I really do not want to do this ever again. I needed them in my place being with me like we used to. I just do not understand how my daughter can be so cruel to all of us and do this to get me under her control and do what she wants. I will not break the no contact. The interesting thing was I was not tempted to contact either kid. @She Cat did you have days like this, is this normal? I am soon to be back in therapy again at the beginning of next month. Was there anything that you could do that would help ease the pain even a little?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain I know those days well. To be honest, no nothing would help. Distraction for a bit, but the feeling were overpowering at times. It took years for me to come to terms with my daughter, and many many times of her taking the kids away from me. This is new to you, and it will take time. I'm sorry @Rain that this is happening. I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom, only cold hard truth.... Be well my friend and be strong...

 

[shimmerz]

Maybe some attachment work would be helpful to you Rain?

 

[Heather]

@Rain can you get out of the house? Go for a walk? Window shop?

Instead of sitting in your place with all the memories, new scenery might help. Just a thought

Love you!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you @She Cat I think this is worse than a death but then I think I could not bear it if anyone of my family died so i guess it is not in reality after all. I am calling a hot line at my clinic today, once they open to get some tips and tricks on how to better cope with the grief feelings and be able to move on from being so stuck in the feelings. At least that is my hope. Maybe I am at the bargaining stage. Anything to avoid the feelings from which apparently there is no escape.

Thank you for being straight with me. It seems that everyone I talk to that has gone through a similar situation has told me that it takes years to come to terms. This thought horrifies me. So I will do what I can later on today. I feel fine this morning and I am so grateful for any good day in my life anymore. At least I do have some good days now. It makes functioning on a normal scale very difficult when overwhelmed with these awful feelings. Many hugs to you and hope that your day is a good one.:hug::hug::hug:

@shimmerz if you have the time can you give me some information on how you worked on your attachment issues because I am at a loss, after yesterdays fiasco, and would very much like to know what kinds of things I can do to help set me free from my unhealthy attachments. I appreciate this honesty from you, my friend. Many hugs to you and I hope that you have a good day as well.:hug::hug::hug:

@Heather thank you so much. I did go for a walk yesterday and it did help. I pushed myself out of the door and am going to do it again today. I will get my meds in the mail today for my anxiety and that will help reduce the worst of the high anxiety, whenever I experience it.

As for shopping, don't I wish,:) I am on a fixed income and in financial crises at the moment and have no money to spare. Soon I will get my money again and then I will be able to get some money out of the bank and do just that. I have a couple of friends who have invited me over to their home and I look forward to branching out in developing my life to try to begin to fill up the deep hole, the absence of my family has left in me. Love you and many hugs and hope that you have a good day too.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

This is probably not a healthy way to look at things, and I know anger isn't healthy. But remembering the things she said and has done in the past may help. It won't help with missing the kids, because they are the innocent ones in all of this. Yes, it took yrs for me to come to terms with everything, and now with the oldest grandkid hating me because of my last attempt to help his mother, and the youngest with autism, I've lost both of them.

I've moved on, and somehow, someway, you need to find the strength to do the same. My heart breaks for anyone going through this, because I know the pain that it involves..... Try and be strong....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

But remembering the things she said and has done in the past may help. It won't help with missing the kids, because they are the innocent

At this point I am willing to try it but not today because I am not feeling intense feelings and I want to enjoy this good day as long as I can. Thank you so much.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I actually was briefly missing the kids today and tried to think that my daughter is the one who is making the choice to do this to all of us. It really helped me to find a balance in the feelings and turned my mind to the facts which are not based on feelings.

 

[shimmerz]

Hi Rain. I will put a link here for you to look at. If this one in particular doesn't resonate with you then you can, if you like, Google 'Etheric Cords'. They make references to calling Spirit Guides or your Guardian Angels, but it can just as easily be a particular person like Mother Mary, for instance.

No offense if this isn't helpful to you.... Just thought I would give you an idea of what I did to put to rest the issues I had with my kids. Oh, and actually, 2 of my kids I have a decent relationship with.... all things considered.... but in my own heart and soul I have let go of past hurts etc because I went through this process. Now our relationships are more 'in the moment' and I am keeping it like that even if they attempt to drag me back in.

CUT THE CORDS Of Attachment To Others | 15 Signs Of Cording

Oh, also there is stuff on youtube as well if you would prefer a more visual image.

Let me know if you need different ideas. I have them too!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

but in my own heart and soul I have let go of past hurts etc because I went through this process. Now our relationships are more 'in the moment' and I am keeping it like that even if they attempt to drag me back in.

Thank you @shimmerz , thank you for sharing what helped you to cut the unhealthy attachment cords. I do believe that we are connected through cords of energy either good or bad. I do feel connected to the kids through the energy of my love for each of them. They have been able to somehow cut the cords to me. I feel this disconnection and thus my grief because I never intended to break any bonds with them because they have lived in my heart since each of them was born and have been such a big part of my life since then. It is the grief that I called a hotline therapist for today and she said that I am doing good self care and the grieving is a process not like a death though.

This is the problem I am having, I thought that you were talking about codependent enmeshment or something like that, lol.:x3::x3::x3:

Sorry for the misunderstanding.:oops: I guess I need to know how you were able to continue to have two good relationships. in spite of any difficulties. I am so sorry that I misunderstood you. I thought I knew what you were talking about.Thank you for clearing this one up.:oops::x3: I have a bond to them where for now, it is a closed bond. I was not ready nor prepared for this ever in my wildest imagination did I ever see this one coming.

You are very strong with them. I believe you because you are a good person that has a good heart that is trying to help me. I was thinking of course I have unhealthy attachments instead of simple grief. I do not have the symptoms listed in the articles yet. I am sorry for my misunderstanding you and not even knowing to ask the question. I hope that I have cleared up some things because of my ignorance. Thank you for being such a good friend and helping me.:hug:

 

[ladee]

Rain, if you stop and think of the literal years you have spent with your daughter and grandkids, somewhere you might try accepting that it's going to take time.... when we have been involved with our whole heart and soul, it takes time to heal that... to grieve it.... I am still in the grieving stages with my son. And you know it took me years to get to no contact.... but I accept that it's going to take time... no quick fixes just because I don't like what I'm feeling... feeling our feelings IS part of self care, not running from it,or just wishing it wasn't there ..... and honestly, the more friends you have around, the better it will be... to not always be talking and thinking of them... friends are a great distraction.... gives us a break... we can't do this twenty four/ seven.... but it does take time... you have a lot of years invested, it is going to take time...period.... none of us like to hurt or feel bad, but that is where the healing is..... feeling the feelings.... and yes, enjoy the good days... they are gifts...

I am still grieving with my son. It's like a symbolic death... and in a way it is... a death of behaviors that do not work and haven't worked in a long time.... remember, you and I are 'unlearning'.... that takes time..... love you, and don't forget to give yourself some sort of 'gift' , whether it be verbal praise, out loud, in the mirror, or you favorite coffee.... what ever.... no one rewards us for this gut wrenching, life changing work, we have to gift our self... for continuing to do it, no matter how it feels.... that is where our courage comes in.... doing it any way.... lots of love.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you @ladee as usual you are spot on, which I am very grateful for your love and support. It means so much more to me than you will ever know.

I accept that this is a process that will take time. I am okay again today. I am not in grieve mode today and I am relieved about this. It will take time no matter what I say or do, whether or not I accept it or resist it to my detriment, it will happen. For the first time, I can compare this to a painful birthing process. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end, and hopefully some real healing at the end. It has its own timetable.

This also is very complicated and involved over many years of being so happy with the family and the kids, loving them with a whole heart and soul, and being. It takes time, I fully accept this now. My unspoken fears about being stuck in the grief are based on truth. I have seen some people stuck in grief for years. I do not want to be, and so I will not because I have awareness that I do not want to be.

I am probably doing better than I give myself credit for. I am recently aware of how I have been trying to ward off feeling more pain, this insuring that I will have more pain. My defenses raised up in an attempt to try to protect myself from more pain guarantee that I will do a self fulfilling prophecy thus setting a cycle of more pain in motion. I sure hope that this makes sense.

Because I want the opposite, I will relax into the pain and grief and simply breath my way through it. being aware of where I do not want to go and what I do not want to be. This is my gift to myself. I will simply accept things as they are and let things unfold naturally.

I may have to choose this minute by minute. Choose it I will, Thank you again, love and hugs.:):hug: