Going Somewhere New With T

[mytai]

From updates on other threads I posted about my most recent session with my T. I usually choose to sit on the floor of her office because I find it easier to stay grounded and present there. I still float off and dissociate and have flashbacks but they are less frequent I find. So last session she sat on the floor across from me and said she wanted to try something new with me if I was willing. She wanted to try and get me to make eye contact with her. We have had discussions (or I've emailed her) about my fears around eye contact, why it is difficult for me, etc. She offered her hand to hold, which I took, and she asked if I could try to look at her. It took a heck of a lot of internal arguing with myself to finally peek at her, but I did. Nothing bad happened, I didn't see anything scary in her eyes.

She talked to me quietly, she didn't push me, told me I had a choice in this and that I didn't have to look at her - but this was enough of a gentle push to get me to push myself. I managed to do this twice with her in that one session. I didn't fall apart, nothing bad happened, my T talked to me about why she felt it was important that I eventually make consistent eye contact with her (communication, stronger connection, feel safer, etc), that she is able to communicate love and caring through her eyes and it is her belief that love is healing. Keep in mind my T has never crossed a boundary with me, she always asks permission before trying something with me, I don't feel uncomfortable with what she is doing. Well sometimes I feel uncomfortable, but not in a sense that something is wrong, just that it is hard and outside of my comfort zone.

I ended up having a flashback that session. It was the same flashback I have been having for the last few months in her office. I haven't shared any details with my T about it, I've posted some of the memory in my trauma diary here but not all of it - reason being that I'm greatly disturbed by a certain detail and I don't know if I really want to share it here at this point. Anyways my T usually asks if I can describe whats happening during the flashback/body memories, up until this point my voice always gets caught in my throat or I'm just not ready. Before I left our most recent session my T stated that she hopes one day I can tell her what I see when I "go away". I've been writing it down at home, and I think this is the week I'm ready to share the details with my T.

With everything that is going on in my life right now with the police, the investigation, moving, working two jobs, feeling suicidal, being overwhelmed (completely my fault for what I've taken on), oh and stopping my medication, the list goes on. Anyways I need to tell my T that I've stopped taking my meds, that I think subconsciously I stopped because I'm creating another stock pile of meds I can potentially overdose on again. I'm also ready to tell her about this flashback.

I feel like we've moved into a new area. I'm pushing myself harder with my T, I'm sharing more. But I'm also scared because I feel like I'm relying on her more.

 

[scout86]

The eye contact sounds like a huge step! Good for you! I hope you'll be able to share the flashback too. Now, stockpiling drugs? that's a different story, but you definitely need to talk to her about whether or not you have to take your meds. It sounds like you have a great relationship and are really making progress. Keep up the good work.

 

[laurelheorot]

It sounds like you are doing a great job and making some great progress; I hope you have taken a few moments to congratulate yourself about it. Congratulations :)

Since you are able to write things down, and from what you say it seems like it's a way you process some things, perhaps you could write stuff about the flashback/meds/your thoughts on where your therapy is headed, etc, in your own time (i.e. not in therapy), and then send the piece to her before your next session (does she have an email address?).

I have done this with my therapist before and it worked really well, because I could express myself in a way that was comfortable and also get everything I needed to get out on paper. Then, she was able to go through it with me in an ordered and controlled way, explaining her reasoning with me as she went.

It helped me to take something that was way out of my comfort zone into a safer space, and allowed my T and I to work together in a really productive way.

Anyway, just a thought.

 

[mytai]

@scout86, the stockpiling medications is different. I've never had an issue with my meds before or taking them. I don't "have" to take my meds, they used to help but since my suicide attempt at the end of February/beginning of March I haven't taken them consistently enough to feel the positive effects of them.

@laurelheorot, my T does have an email. I've emailed her several times since our session. The stuff with the medication and the flashback is something I need to do in person. I have trouble finding my voice, this is something I have to push myself to do. It's important for me to learn to say things out loud to my T.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have issues with eye contact too. It can be embarrassing: because I will sometimes Lookaway been talking and and also because I know I should be looking at them.

My therapist mentioned last week that it is getting better but it is taken a lot of work.

Best of luck.

 

[Wyakin]

Well done you :D That is a huge step. I have issues with eye contact and actually got told off for it by my bosses boss the other week, apparently it is childish and rude but they just don't understand.

It sounds like you have found yourself a really good T. I know you want to tell her in person about the flashbacks and the meds but would you feel safer if you let her know about the medication via email? You could still push yourself to talk about the flashback but you wouldn't then also have to push yourself to talk about the medication if it is too much for you.

That way she definitely knows about both and you have still tested your boundaries. Just worried that you are sitting on this stockpile and no one knows.

 

[Jane.l]

You are doing so well ! I often end up sitting on the floor with my T too - funny how it feels so much safer there.

I echo what the others have said - tell her about the meds.

If you feel you can talk about the flashbacks great that would be such an achievement but I do sometimes find I think I will be ok to talk about something and then when I get there I find I can't say anything - so maybe write some of it down on paper and try to talk about it but if you get 'stuck ' you have a way of telling your T still . Whether you give the paper to your T or read it to her or just use it as a prompt,

 

[mytai]

@Wyakin, I think I can handle mentioning both to her. I feel safe telling her, I'm just not the greatest at remembering everything. Since it doesn't look like I can get into see her twice this week I am thinking about contacting my crisis team and seeing if they can squeeze me in tomorrow.

@Jane.l, I will tell her about the meds for sure. I will take your advice and bring along what I've already written down just in case I get stuck when I try to tell her about the flashback.

 

[mytai]

I wasn't able to get an additional appointment with my T this week, but I do have a longer session now. So I will be talking with her about the flashback, the stopping my meds, the extent of my suicidal thoughts (I was borderline last night).