Going to discuss something I'm really ashamed about

[susannahsays]

@Rumors I don't really want to get into the details here (because, shame), but the origin of the shame is not a mystery. It has a lot to do with violating cultural/societal values and norms, and the fact that it was a situation I couldn't control actually just compounds my "offense." These values don't happen to be a very positive force regardless of the situation, but they're instilled in us from an early age regardless. So I intellectually understand why - and a big part of me even believes - that I should be ashamed just based on beliefs that everyone has on some level (who hasn't consciously chosen to believe something different and worked hard to do so). Then things that were said to me at the time by the perpetrator also don't help, although I'd certainly struggle less to disregard his nonsense if it wasn't for the deep-rooted systemic beliefs.

 

[Rumors]

@susannahsays I didn't ask you to get in to details here. You should discuss the shame with your therapist. Deal with the shame situation FIRST and then the actual details become less overwhelming. Shame gets in the way of healing bc it is leading the discussion instead of the logical safe adult.

 

[Friday]

deep rooted in what? You need to discuss the intensity of the shame you feel and where it comes from before you actually discuss the thing you are ashamed about.

Deal with the shame situation FIRST and then the actual details become less overwhelming.

If you can't get to the crux of where the shame comes from you will continue to have it every time something comes up and that isn't progress...

Strong 2nd to this.

It doesn’t mean you have to be shame-free in order to discuss anything you have felt -or do feel- shame for.... but having a very solid and working practice around shame, and how to deal with it as it comes up? Is an invaluable tool that won’t just help you with this singular situation... but countless situations throughout your life; past/ present/ future. Because shame will manifest in different ways, to different depths, about countless things. Learning to manage the thing, itself? Will help you across the board.

If it helps? Try thinking of it like any other emotion. If, instead of shame, it was rage exploding out of control? Can you see how getting a better understanding of how to channel/temper/direct/be in control of your anger would help you not just with this one situation, but all situations involving rage & anger?

Learning to manage / be in control of our emotions doesn’t mean we no longer feel them, or will never be knocked over by them, ever again. Instead, learning to manage and be in control of our emotions gives us the tools, practice, and experience to feel them without losing control. Not a perfect little automaton, or a cold fish untouched by life; but a deeply feeling / passionate person... who rises to meet the challenges of their own heart; rather than being crippled by their emotions, or held hostage/ living in fear of them, & desperately needing to escape, push them back, or numb out.

 

[Movingforward10]

Hi @susannahsays , I hope I'm not being intrusive in asking, and if I am, please do tell me! But how did this go for you?

I am in a similar position. Going to start talking about things I feel crippling shame about. Not sure where to start. Your laying ground work sounds good and I think I am going to do that too (and move towards the trickiest part of all of this last).

Did it help you shift these feelings or build a more helpful narrative around it?

I hope it helped you.

 

[flowerapple]

I don’t know if this will help, but I also had similar concerns when having to start doing therapy remotely because of the coronavirus. I discussed it with my therapist and came up with a plan for if it should happen.

For the first couple sessions, I had done the sessions over the phone. I told her that if for some reason I should start to feel overwhelmed with something we are talking about, but can’t/don’t want to talk about it immediately, I just would hang up on her. For that, we decided that when that happens, she would send me an email just to check in, and I would have the next day or two to reply, just so she can know I am safe.

However, I have since been doing therapy over zoom. For me, having to do the sessions using video was a big issue. So, in that case, we decided that if I abruptly end a session, she would both call and send an email. She wouldn’t call immediately, but she would within two hours of the session ending. She would also send an email the following day and I would have one to two days to respond. This is because just doing the online session alone is triggering, so to be extra careful, she would check in twice.

I hesitated a bit about telling her because I felt embarrassed by it even being a problem, as well as I didn’t want to seem rude or make her feel insulted.

I don’t know if this helps. But, I definitely think that if doing the session remotely is a concern for you, that you should bring it up to your therapist if you feel comfortable.