PreciousChild
MyPTSD Pro
I'm very triggered, and partly intended to write another post about how I fear I've done something to alienate my bf and try to assess the reality of it or is it the ptsd? That happens quite frequently with me because my dad would punish me severely for the most innocuous deeds or words. I grew up feeling that to survive, I had to choose myself or him, and I always chose him, which left me feeling guilty on top of everything. Each time I get triggered, I feel with every fiber of my being that I had done something so wrong that my bf could surely never stay with me. I become consumed with fear and panic.
In many ways, I feel safe and accepted by my bf. I've been so grateful to have found him that I've allowed myself to open up and feel the love, despite feeling exposed and vulnerable. I think that it's been good to allow myself to trust and love another, as well as to work through the fear and panic when I'm triggered and check it against the reality of the situation. But I realized today that the way I was coping was still focused on him and whether I did or didn't upset him. It was hard, but I forced myself to focus on myself and instead of trying to run from the panic, to own and feel it. Instead of scrutinizing my deeds and words of last night, I instead sympathized with how the inner child was feeling and said to her that whatever happened, I would always love her and that she was allowed to be imperfect. Even if my bf left me, I would never again seek to scrutinize and condemn her for the sake of another's pleasure. I don't know if this is making any sense, but it was super helpful for me to refocus on myself and figure out what my needs were versus my bf's. Anyway, I thought I'd share this because it was helpful for me, and I hoped it could be helpful to someone else. I feel that relationships are really hard to navigate with the complications that cptsd contributes.
In many ways, I feel safe and accepted by my bf. I've been so grateful to have found him that I've allowed myself to open up and feel the love, despite feeling exposed and vulnerable. I think that it's been good to allow myself to trust and love another, as well as to work through the fear and panic when I'm triggered and check it against the reality of the situation. But I realized today that the way I was coping was still focused on him and whether I did or didn't upset him. It was hard, but I forced myself to focus on myself and instead of trying to run from the panic, to own and feel it. Instead of scrutinizing my deeds and words of last night, I instead sympathized with how the inner child was feeling and said to her that whatever happened, I would always love her and that she was allowed to be imperfect. Even if my bf left me, I would never again seek to scrutinize and condemn her for the sake of another's pleasure. I don't know if this is making any sense, but it was super helpful for me to refocus on myself and figure out what my needs were versus my bf's. Anyway, I thought I'd share this because it was helpful for me, and I hoped it could be helpful to someone else. I feel that relationships are really hard to navigate with the complications that cptsd contributes.