Grief Containment

[Rose White]

Thank you for your honest reply Susan. Some good advice.

tell myself it is over

I realize that I don’t do this. I don’t make the direct connection between the grief and the past. I think this might be helpful. Such a small thing too—funny how it’s hard to see those small things sometimes.

I also know only I can fix me and it’s exhausting and painful but what I’d the difference?

This is so important and key I think. It IS exhausting and painful—but what’s the alternative? I can’t go back. Thanks for the little lift of hope.

 

[Susan Jane]

Thank you for your honest reply Susan. Some good advice.

I realize that I don’t do this. I don’t make the direct connection between the grief and the past. I think this might be helpful. Such a small thing too—funny how it’s hard to see those small things sometimes.

This is so important and key I think. It IS exhausting and painful—but what’s the alternative? I can’t go back. Thanks for the little lift of hope.

You’re welcome, I really sympathize with you. I understand it so well, it took me 40 years to admit It really happened… somehow accepting it made it real and then I had to admit I was abused and neglected by the people who were supposed to love me and protect me, it broke my heart… made me feel so dirty, unlovable some faulty goods. I can’t undo it or excuse it away as a mistake my parents well one is dead and the other is in denial. It is hard.

 

[Friday]

Ugh. Grief. Seems to just keep coming. I try to distract a lot. But it just sneaks in. I was talking to my robot therapist (AI) and it suggested grief containment—said it’s also called mothering the grief. I hate trying new things and it sounds hard and stupid. “Set aside a place or time to grieve.” It’s weird how anger seems to be the other side of grief . Idk what I’m asking in the post. I guess if you do the containment thing. Or just if you’re tired of the grieving too.

For those of you on the other side wondering if/when your body will ever allow the grief, I see you too. I hope you get to experience it if that’s your destiny.

But sometimes it does feel like it’s overwhelming and just keeps coming back like a boomerang.

Pushing grief down/ aside / away… to be dealt with later… is durn near instinctual, for me. Only durn near, because as a child? Everything was felt, always, right now.

It was only growing up, where I was literally having to assault people to save their stupid lives, as they wanted to cry, instead of live? Freak the f*ck out, instead of step the f*ck up. And, later, leave -people just like them- to die? More concerned about saving those I could, than those who would get everyone else killed? Then later, having those who lived, because I left others behind blame ME? (Ummm. YOU could have stayed and tried to argue with them. Or beat them unconscious and drag them. YOU did not. So it’s MY fault they were consumed in grief, and YOU did nothing??? Reeeeeeally??? I saved your ass, and you’re mad at me? Bite me. Fawking PEOPLE. I can’t “people” for prolonged periods of time. Or at all. Sometimes).

(Because I’ve done that, to my shame. Tried to save one, and twenty/fifty, getting killed whilst wasting time on one. It’s sociopathic, to some degree, the whole 1 life vs XYZ lives… that doesn’t spell out right. There’s a line, IRL, as gaping as the Grand Canyon. But it doesn’t WRITE well).

So… my OWN grief? I’m used to shunting to one side. Deal with later. Live, now.

“Later?” …to date… is. never. f*cking. convienent. Instead, more like (2nd) worst time ever. 2nd, because it’s not getting me killed. It’s “just” f*cking up my life / not letting me live the life I want. Shrug.

Intellectually? I’ll take that trade off.
Emotionally? Tantrums.

As, intellectually, I appreciate not being dead. But emotionally I’m pissed off my life isn’t as amazing as it could be, because I’m “ruining” it with grief. Ruined is better than dead. Ruined can be recovered from. Dead can’t be. Again, intellectually vs emotionally. It’s a motherf*cker. Largely defined by snits and tantrums that I’m “wasting” what could be good. And ignoring the alternative.

***

The one truly, amazing, awesome thing ABOUT grief?

Once it’s done there’s joy instead of pain.

In the midst of grief, even a flicker of thought, produces bone deep, wailing, pain.

POST grief??? Seeeeerious thought, much less stupid flickers, equates to joy/warmth. To be able to REMEMBER, with joy, instead of pain? Makes the whole damn thing worthwhile. IME / IMO.

 

[PamelaS]

Pushing grief down/ aside / away… to be dealt with later… is durn near instinctual, for me. Only durn near, because as a child? Everything was felt, always, right now.

It was only growing up, where I was literally having to assault people to save their stupid lives, as they wanted to cry, instead of live? Freak the f*ck out, instead of step the f*ck up. And, later, leave -people just like them- to die? More concerned about saving those I could, than those who would get everyone else killed? Then later, having those who lived, because I left others behind blame ME? (Ummm. YOU could have stayed and tried to argue with them. Or beat them unconscious and drag them. YOU did not. So it’s MY fault they were consumed in grief, and YOU did nothing??? Reeeeeeally??? I saved your ass, and you’re mad at me? Bite me. Fawking PEOPLE. I can’t “people” for prolonged periods of time. Or at all. Sometimes).

(Because I’ve done that, to my shame. Tried to save one, and twenty/fifty, getting killed whilst wasting time on one. It’s sociopathic, to some degree, the whole 1 life vs XYZ lives… that doesn’t spell out right. There’s a line, IRL, as gaping as the Grand Canyon. But it doesn’t WRITE well).

So… my OWN grief? I’m used to shunting to one side. Deal with later. Live, now.

“Later?” …to date… is. never. f*cking. convienent. Instead, more like (2nd) worst time ever. 2nd, because it’s not getting me killed. It’s “just” f*cking up my life / not letting me live the life I want. Shrug.

Intellectually? I’ll take that trade off.
Emotionally? Tantrums.

As, intellectually, I appreciate not being dead. But emotionally I’m pissed off my life isn’t as amazing as it could be, because I’m “ruining” it with grief. Ruined is better than dead. Ruined can be recovered from. Dead can’t be. Again, intellectually vs emotionally. It’s a motherf*cker. Largely defined by snits and tantrums that I’m “wasting” what could be good. And ignoring the alternative.

***

The one truly, amazing, awesome thing ABOUT grief?

Once it’s done there’s joy instead of pain.

In the midst of grief, even a flicker of thought, produces bone deep, wailing, pain.

POST grief??? Seeeeerious thought, much less stupid flickers, equates to joy/warmth. To be able to REMEMBER, with joy, instead of pain? Makes the whole damn thing worthwhile. IME / IMO.

I can finally look back and see some of the good things that were there while I was struggling to survive. So thankful to no longer be haunted by all of the bad.

 

[user27357]

The one truly, amazing, awesome thing ABOUT grief?

Once it’s done there’s joy instead of pain.

thats a hopeful statement.
It is possible, but feels extremely hopeful and risky to say it is a truth when you are allowing yourself to plunge into grief and hanging all hope on coming out the other side with joy.
I wish it was a fact, a set rule you could count on being enforced by the universe.
Joy cometh in the morning. yeah, it could happen.
What choice is there? Grieve because after a loss that's what comes next, do it like it is the most important part of suffering a loss.
Do it because the alternative is a downward spiral and repression of grief is suffering in itself. That does seem to be enforced by the universe in my experience.
The joy after is possible, it would be as you say amazing and awesome if it was reliably there. I hope for it for all who grieve.

 

[Rose White]

Breathing these comments in. Don’t have anything to say—wish I did. Feeling a sense of gratitude for responders’ openness and honesty with this topic.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know the words, but separating grief from life is to me like trying to take milk out of coffee. Whether it's acknowledged or not in my life it shows up in what hits me when I don't expect it, and the depth of the blow. There never was time to grieve, because of what was demanded. Or knowing others were grieving. Or not having safe or even interested people to say anything to. I think situations or realities can complicate grief.

I can only think that if people are not the same person after, it is something more than a process incolving steps? (Much as there is some truth in that.) For me I can't say grief has led to joy. Maybe a lot more introspection and some understanding of others better though.

 

[CazzTheGeek]

Grieving is hard, I'm doing it now and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with all of it. I also have to live with the relationship/person I'm grieving, which makes it worse.

I'm coping by putting me first, I'm on a waiting list for counselling and looking into a women's only boxing class. I'm also setting up things to stream on Twitch.

I know how grief can sweep you away like a huge wave, and all the emotions that come with it. Keep fighting, do not let it take you under.

 

[Rose White]

Have shifted away from containing it to just letting it happen.

 

[CazzTheGeek]

Have shifted away from containing it to just letting it happen.

Here if you need to vent or chat.

 

[Rose White]

Thanks @CazzTheGeek