Guilt And Forgiveness

[Fargo1]

Alan,

Well open my mouth and insert foot! Totally misread the bold thing:confused:.

Man what you have gone through...that is some real tough shit. Let it out! Isn't that the whole point of this forum? None of it is pretty. None of us really want to talk about it. We have to. Pure and simple. Many, if not all of us, don't have anyone we feel that we can, or want to tell this stuff to. But here it is safe, and the people here listen.

I have only just begun to talk about myself, but I could not have done it without starting here.

Keep in there brother. I say it again, I am here to listen and give what help I can.

 

[Ted Moen]

1) I have a load of stuff ingested into myself that I go over in my head, just to try and understand. Not flashbacks, just trying to make sense of. I've still not really moved that goal on much.
2) The normal stuff we all have, things going through our heads so close its almost there. I go up and down with that.
3) The whole self hatred of myself. I just feel like total dirt most of the time. I've let so so so many people down. Of course I haven't, but in the real life that rattles around my head I have..

sometimes if you go this way some people on this side die and if you go that way some people on that side die and if you do nothing maybe everybody dies and afterwards you think your decision got someone killed but it was really the situation that got them killed and you just did your best within the context of accomplishing the mission in a hostile environment ... i was a mech platoon leader in the 68 tet offensive then in the 90s people began popping up online and i ran into some of my platoon members who were having a reunion and they invited me and i was terrified because i felt i was responsible for getting so many of them killed but i made myself go and when i started to apologize they just looked at me and said i was the only real platoon leader they ever had and we went on from there ... some thanked me for saving their lives ... it is good to reconnect in that it serves as a reality check ... in a hostile environment we do what we do to survive and later when we are out of the hostile environment the stuffed feelings and the second guessing hits but the fact remains we did what we did to survive a hostile situation and it was the situation not the people caught in it that was the problem ... anyway reconnecting with my old platoon members and others who were there was very good for me

as for the bold key ... when the intense feelings are passing through nothing works right ... for me when stuff i normally do quits working right i know it is time for a time out followed by some relaxation exercises and some physical exercise

take care alan

ted

 

[BV101]

Thanks comrades. I appreciate it. Today is another day and it looks like it will be nice outside, so I will have a good go at it all. I don't know, sometimes it all looks pointless carrying on, but today, I will carry on.

 

[Fargo1]

I am trying to get a grip on myself as well. It is strange that the same pattern I have been following for years is happening right now. Though now I am aware of what is going on. I can read the posts or hear a friend confide in me and have a clear picture. But when it comes to myself, I get frozen.

Yesterday, I was freaking out. Work has continued to suck. No work in the near future. I have been trying to keep it together and not have to lay off employees. This has had me spinning like a damn top. My nightmares have increased in frequency and severity. They are happening while I am awake. Disassociation. T, my girl, is trying to be helpful. She is trying to understand. But she just isn't getting it yet and she is pushing my buttons. Well, I guess I should say she is banging on my piano keys like a three year old. That is what it feels like anyway.

The reality is that she is doing her level best to be there for me and be supportive but she is learning how to do it. When she says things like, "Where are we going to dinner tonight?" After I have told her repeatedly that a) don't want to go out, and b) don't have the money, Holy Mother of God! I want to grab her and say. "HAVE YOU NOT HEARD A f*ckING WORD THAT I HAVE SAID FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS!?" It takes all my energy to not grab her and actually scream at her. So I just shut down. Try to get under control.

I just woke up, rather T just woke me up. I was in the depths of a severe flashback nightmare. When she shook me, I literally launched her across the bedroom and jumped up ready to kill somebody. f*ckf*ckf*ck.

 

[Jimmy1]

You have not asked a question mate, and I know from experience, the last thing you need is people giving you sympathy, but I am hear to read your vent. I would like to talk about your nightmares and how to help your girl. When your ready, just ask mate.
Good luck

 

[Fargo1]

Thanks Jimmy,

My nightmares, well I have them every night. Every single night. I see dead people. Usually it is faces from New Orleans, every once in a while the faces from my time in Columbia. Most of the time, it is simply a slideshow, face after face, body after body. Interestingly I never see my friends who were killed. Only the unknown anonymous people.

Some nights I can hold them back by listening to the radio or by having the TV on. Or at least I don't remember having the nightmares if they are on. But if T turns off the TV in the middle of the night BAM! There they are.

Starting to spin again, hope that is a start?

 

[wife of]

Think I've now sussed that it is best to sit and watch and wait while my hunny has these nightmares,that way I am there for him whilst he finaly comes out of it but not putting myself in any harms way,hes never actualy hurt me but come close to it a few times thinking I was someone else,best if she just lets you come out of it naturaly,Find that if I wake my darling,trying to lessen his distress it is either a dangerous situation or he will fall back to sleep and have another nightmare straight away,whereas if its left to play out then it seems to be done with for at least a few hours.....Waking him only comforts me as its hard to see him distressed,sometimes its best to just bug out to another room and wait to comfort him when its done.....let her see this mate,might help her understand....Sue.

 

[Steph_F]

M has told me that if I ever need to wake him, I need to get off the bed and shake his feet. He's so afraid is hurting me if he has a nightmare. The other thing he said would be to try to change the environment of the room, ie. Turn on the lights, turn on/off the TV, take the covers off him, blow the fan directly in his face and most importantly, start telling to him loudly, comforting and reassuring and bringing him back to the here and now and safety.

 

[wife of]

yep i do that with the talking to him and lights,wont go near his feet though,when we first got together I tickled his foot one day and ended up with a black eye......Hard to explain that one when meeting my folks for the first time the next day....lol...

 

[Fargo1]

Yep, I am trying to work on the communication. I have told her many, many times not to wake me from nightmares....but she still does. Maybe last night will be the message? It is too bad that I had to scare the poop out of her to send it. I feel like complete shit about it...

Today is not going to be a good day.

 

[Steph_F]

Don't feel like shit, she was warned. In my world today is a waste of time as well. I hope that you are able to turn your day around.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Fargo, have you given her the 2 documents written on here under articles to read??
If you feel comfortable, and she wants, get her to join as a supporter. It will help her to understand if she is doing something wrong.
Her waking you up is her natural 'not wanting to see your hurt' showing. She must love you.
She should not have to tread on egg shells all the time though.
What she is doing by trying to coax you out for dinner is a good thing. Anthony told me once that to cure his anxiety and hypervigilece, he used to go to a busy shopping mall and walk all the way through, buy a coffee and walk back.
I was where you are now once. I never went anywhere. I ended up losing all my friends and my wife.
I can understand if your having a real bad day, but if your ok, you choose the battlefield (resteraunt etc). Book a table in the back where you can see every approach.

Now for some terminology.

Your nightmares are nightmares. Vivid horrific dreams while your asleep.

Flashbacks. This is where a sight, sound, smell takes you immediately back somewhere.

Intrusive thoughts. These happen anytime, anywhere, for no reason. Just images of death battle.

I have dreams still which are just lime someone holding down the channel changer or slide changer. Picture after picture.

I would get your medication checked or ask your therapist to help too