Gynae Appointment

[Lucycat]

Less than an hour to go.
I am feeling really stressed. Having taken an extra pill.
I don't want to cry in the consultation.

Have to carry on and go to work as soon as it is over - with a 100 mile round trip needing me to concentrate.

Oh why did I say I will do this?
Rory says how positive a step it is - but is it really?
I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. This appointment ( and any others that follow as a consequence) or suicide.
I choose life.

 

[Lucycat]

It's over.
Got some pills.
Have promised to get my smear within 3 months- or she MAY withhold the next script.

I cam breathe again. Now I just have to hope that these pills have the desired effects.

 

[cherryblossom]

This appointment ( and any others that follow as a consequence) or suicide.
I choose life.

I did think about this yesterday when you posted. That seems like a pretty drastic choice. I did think about this yesterday when you posted. I chose not to say anything yesterday, because you were going for your appointment- but still a little curious about why the decision sounds so drastic. Anyway, I'm not probing you for information, well maybe I am!;) But you don't have to tell us/me anything you don't want to. I really just wanted to check you are okay, and to say that you know you can PC me anytime, if you want to talk, okay?:affection:

 

[Lucycat]

Thanks BC.
No I am out of the depression again at the moment. What I meant was that I get so depressed that I was, a week ago contemplating ending it all. At that time I had no idea my hormones were involved. If I don't sort out the hormone imbalance I will end up killing myself.

What made it worse was that when I was at my lowest ebb, one of my clients handed me 3 months supply of chemotherapy drugs that was no longer required, for me to dispose of in the pharmacy. I sat in my car looking at the carrier bag full. I felt like I had been handed a loaded gun, and that maybe this was some 'sign' that I was really meant to end it all. It was already after hours so I drove home with it, left it in the car, but told Rory how I felt and that it was there. He helped me through that night and I did dispose of it sensibly and appropriately the next morning. It was a relief to hand it over.

I do fear that if I cannot get rid of my ' self destruct' button I will do it. Right now I forget how bad that feeling is. But I have discussed it all with my T. and we are going to tackle it, with yet more EMDR.

I hope the hormone tablets will help me to be more balanced, but I know something, at some point will send me spiralling downwards again and I just want not to feel suicidal when that happens. I think you'll understand what I mean.

 

[Lucycat]

Oh, and my very clever GP asked why I had not asked for pills before now?. Errmmmm. Could it be that I had always hoped that one day I might get pregnant?

I have now to accept - at the old age of 46- that it can never be!

 

[WonderingWhy]

BL,
You amaze me with your strength and endurance!

When you have the time you should read your posts while imagining they are NOT yours but those of another member. If you do that you just might see how well you are doing and the strength and endurance you possess!

I wish we all could see ourselves as others do and not the distorted way we do. We are always so hard on ourselves.

 

[Heather]

I have been putting off going... after had gallbladder surgery they told me I have cyst on ovary. My surgeon was even nice enough to take a picture of it for me --- it was in COLOR too! How nice of him (yuck):faint:. I hate going!!!! But when I asked him about it he wouldn't tell me anything just kept saying your gyn. will explain it to you.

I really don't want to go.....I'm just putting off the inevitable. My periods are heavy and painful. I'm sure it's because of the cyst. I don't want ANYMORE surgery ever!!! The gallbladder was enough - thank you!

 

[Heather]

Now I think I really should go because my ovary HURTS. Can an ovary hurt? Is that possible? IDK? But something in my uterus hurts. I hate the gyno. Even though they're all women. I still hating going.

Maybe I should make an appt. asap because I just shaved my legs. Get in before I have to shave again:)

 

[Lucycat]

Yes ovaries can hurt, but they are not in your uterus. They are outside it.

I had fertility treatment when they give you drugs to stimulate the ovaries to produce lots of eggs. The ovaries really hurt then. I was told that the ovaries are as sensitive as the testicles. Only they are so less accessible that they are generally protected by being on your inside. I am sure you know what men are like when they have been hit there!

 

[cherryblossom]

Maybe I should make an appt. asap because I just shaved my legs. Get in before I have to shave again:)

If you are in pain - then yes - make the appointment, please

 

[Heather]

Yes ovaries can hurt, but they are not in your uterus. They are outside it.

I took A&P in college so you think I'd remember that. Of Course I have swiss cheese brain these days so, I don't remember squat...... Well, whatever it was it was UNCOMFORTABLE!

 

[Lucycat]

whatever it was it was UNCOMFORTABLE!

The past tense? Does that mean the pain is all better or are you just covering it up with painkillers?