Had Flash Back In Front Of My Kids

[saao]

I have read the rules of the forums and I hope that I am staying within them. The one thing I am most afraid of by sharing here is triggering flashbacks for other people. If I am sharing too much or giving too many details, would someone please gently tell me so?

Yesterday, I had a flash back in front of my kids and I am horrified that they saw it. My daughter is almost 21 and my son is 17. Neither one of them have ever seen me have a flash back before.

If you are particularly sensitive to sexual assault situations, you might want to stop reading this now. The person who raped me many times over the course of my childhood had this game where he would open the door to the grainery and grab a mouse as quickly as he could. Then he would crush the mouse between his thumb and finger and throw it to the ground outside so the cats could find it. Each harvest season, he would count how many mice he could kill versus how many mice the cats could kill. After killing mice with his hands, he would rape me. I am not afraid of mice in the slightest but when I see a mouse, I have a flashback.

This fall, we are having a problem with mice in the house. When I see a mouse, I have flash backs. I was sweeping the kitchen floor and a mouse peeked out from under the stove. I was instantly transported back to the place of my assaults. During my flash back, I turned and ran and smashed into a door or wall. I can't actually remember what I hit. I just know that my shoulder hurts from where I ran into something. My daughter thinks I might have hurt it when I fell on the desk in my son's room.

This was one of the worst flashbacks I have ever had and I am mortified that I did it in front of my kids. I hyperventilated, shook from the inside out, couldn't stand, wept, and went into a fetal position. I haven't left my bedroom since then.

 

[Meadowsweet]

It is horrible having a flashback like that and understandable that you need time to recover from the flashback.

You mention that you are concerned that sharing your experience will trigger other people here. But although I have experienced sexual abuse, I'm not triggered by your post because my experience is different.

I'm wondering if you feel the same concern about your children seeing you so distraught?

How did your children act during and after seeing you have this flashback?

 

[saao]

My children were perfect. Somehow, they instinctively knew what to do. At first, they just held me up because I was leaning. When I fell, they held me to let me down on the floor gently. When I hit the floor screaming and hyperventilating, they sat in silence and my daughter kept her hand on me. I was sort of collapsed on my son's legs and he didn't even move them. He just stayed there under me. They didn't say anything. They didn't pat me or tell me it was going to be okay. Somehow, they knew not to move or speak. They did exactly what I would have instructed them to do if I could have spoken. They waited until the shaking stopped before they moved. Then my son sat on the floor with me. He studied while I laid there.

Yes, I am very concerned that the experience was terrible for my kids. I feel guilty and so embarrassed that I couldn't hold it back. I keep apologizing to them and they are great about it. They say things like "It's okay Mom. We understand." They are 17 and 21 respectively. I am sure it was a traumatic event for them to see me like that but at least they are old enough to understand and process it.

You asked how they acted afterward. I've been mostly closed in my room for three days after the initial flash back. I've been having many since then but the flash backs are decreasing in intensity and duration. My family has been great. They have brought me food, checked on me and such. My husband has been working with them on ways to not startle me. I'm okay today. I'm upstairs and doing things around the house. I still have the shakes really bad and am having intrusive thoughts but I'm not having full blown flash backs.

I feel terrible that my kids are exposed to this PTSD nightmare of mine but I am grateful that I have such great kids and a wonderful husband who are supporting me.

My mantra is "I will get better. I always do."

 

[The Albatross]

Fortunately, though they are your children, they are more mature children. I don't actually think that it hurts them to be exposed to the reality to the result of trauma. But I am not a parent, so it may be very easy to me to say.

I can understand why you would feel so upset about how this happened, but I too am greatful that you have such a wonderful family to support you.

My own triggers are very rare and quirky. We recover, we get some sense of balance again... we learn to recognize that it doesn't negate our progress or eliminate our successes.

(((Hope you're doing better Saao)))

 

[Meadowsweet]

I understand your distress.

But it doesn't sound like it has hurt your children at all.

I hope you will see this too, and just focus on getting your strength back. It sounds like you have a wonderful family for support.

Wishing you well.

 

[maddog]

I agree with everything that has been said here, including my empathy for you at how distressing these events are, regardless of how often they occur. It sounds as though you have a really critical element present in your family, and that's healthy positive communication. Your family are supporting and reaching out to you, both at the time of the event and afterwards. You are communicating your feelings about the event back to them. You are all sharing, supporting and communicating, and this is a wonderful quality that will almost certainly guarantee that you all move on from this event without further trauma.

Honestly, your kids sound mature, sensible and very devoted to you, and they are old enough to understand the realities of trauma and also, importantly, to understand that while distressing, this event can not actually cause you further harm.

Please be gentle with yourself, take your time to regain your control and confidence, keep talking to those who support you and remember that none of this was your fault. Your healing journey hasn't been interrupted, and perhaps, as a silver lining to this cloud, if your kids should ever witness such an event again (which is most likely), they will feel more confident that their actions this time around were appropriate and will be more empowered to support you in such a way again.

Take it easy, and welcome to the forum!

Maddog

 

[Shellbell]

I've had a flashback in front of my children, but I tried to control, but still looked upset and tried to speak but it came out in a strangled voice, which made it pretty obvious that something was wrong. I managed (only just) to keep the tears from coming until I went into my bedroom where I then cried and pulled myself together enough to be relatively compossed in front of the kids again. But my eldest son knew I was crying.

It is horrible when it happens in front of your children. It's the last thing you want to happen - your children affected and we as Mums' have guilt. But, the fact is we can't control it, and our children are more resisilient than we know. I explained to my eldest son who is 10, that sometimes Mummy gets like a bad dream only in the day, but that I am okay and it's not anything for him to worry about. He was fine about it. He talked with his Dad also.

Your children are old enough to understand and they seem very sensible and mature and your family are very supportive.

Be gentle and kind to yourself. Big hugs (((saao)))

 

[all_akimbo]

Your children sound wonderful. So does their mom. Sounds like you have a lovely family. Sounds like you are a respected and loved mother and wife. I am going to leave this thread feeling happy for your blessings and feeling like it might be possible to have the same for myself one day. Thank you for sharing. I felt a lot of positivity reading about your lovely and supportive family. :)

 

[CBP]

Hi, I am new and this is my first comment to anyone so I hope I don't do this wrong or upset anyone. But before I even signed up I saw your thread and I wanted to reassure you. Although I cannot speak for children having never met them, I can speak as a child with a parent who has PSTD. Your children sound very mature and understanding and you shouldn't feel bad. They sound as proud of you as I am of my dad, and that is something you should feel very proud of.