General Happy Ending - Does It Exist?

[kguyton]

You know I think I must be missing a "wife" gene or something....I work with all these fun, successful people - I know no one is perfect - but lord I don't think they live in a crazy unpredictable environment. Work is definitely filling a lot of need for me now. I do PR for our company - so there are lots of social events with fun and laughter...I don't even invite my husband anymore - and he is grateful. I gave up on any thing like that with him. But when you have to prepare for days to go to the movies - and then it is a disaster anyway - because he shuts down and glazes over - it's not even worth it.

I am completely mystified as to how to just accept and be happy with a person who barely functions....I think I have let go to the extent that I am living my life - while he sits at home....but we are treading dangerous water....because life sure does seem a whole lot easier everywhere but here.

I feel numb about it myself.

 

[Jen]

Hi KG thats what I am doing living my own life if he is feeling ok we may go out for tea.
I am so sick of being disappointed when we make plans then he cant get out of bed.
I am not waiting anymore if he wants to do something which is not very often I will try to accomodate. But I am not sitting around waiting that is for sure.
Jen

 

[Cdngal]

Am I able to post?

 

[becvan]

Hi gal.. you are under moderation so until we approve your post it does not appear and that can take time as it just depends on when moderaters are available. but post away!

bec

 

[Ubu]

i was hoping to see if someone had a happy ending. Im going through alot of what you all are going through. It is hard. I love my wife with all my heart. But I feel like she doesnt want to be with me. Im the runner up in her life compared to an old relationship that has been rekindeled. I want to support her through this. I just hope she wants to be with me. It is scary.

 

[waynes]

The following is only my opinion, :dontknow:

I know from the last three years experience, that living with some one with PTSD is not a cake walk. Its more like a rollercoaster ride.
I am blessed with a wife who even though she has this horrid disorder, still has a great deal of love within her.
Slowly she is healing. She is in counceling, on a med and here on this forum.
If she were mean spirited, and pushed me away, I could not have lived with that. I would have had to leave for my children and my own preservation. She, thank God is a blessing to us even though she fights this every day.
Years ago, when I was fighting my own struggles, my therapist gave me some most wise advice. At the time I was in the process of being devorced by my alcoholic wife (#1) I wanted to help her but did'nt know how. Here is what he said to me.
" Wayne, about your helping her, it is like she is in a river drowning. You have three choices.
(1) Jump in the river and try to save her, chancing drowning youself. ( I had already tried that)
(2) Stand on the river bank and wait for her to call for help.
(3) Or turn and walk away.

Well, I had stopped drinking because I saw what it was doing to her. I was not going to do that again.
I stood on the bank as long as I could and then........... I had to just walk away. Just thinking about how hard that was brings tears to my eyes. For my kids and my own sanity, I left.
One has to evaluate your own circumstance. If you are not psyicaly safe you need to get out of there. If your spouse is trying, hang in there. It does get better. My wife Marilyn is so much better than three years ago! She is more caring, and closer to me than before. The first time she crashed it was time for the hospital. Now she is able to deal with her triggers and continue living and loving her family. It has not been easy, but by my standing by her through it all, learning what I could do to empower her we have been able to power through.
But.... You better be ready for the fight of your life! you are fighting ghosts!!!!!!!!!!!!! :fight:
You will need the strength that only comes from a relationship with Jesus if you are to preserve your sanity and marraige.


Wayne:hello:

 

[Kathy]

I believe in happy endings. My husband and I have not had a perfect marriage by any means, there have been grave difficulties. However we are still together and still in love after 35 years. The key is, when there are serious issues, whether they be PTSD, another illness, alcoholism, infidelity - doesn't matter what - BOTH partners must examine themselves, make improvements and changes. I believe this is why many marriages fail, because one partner is willing to work and the other isn't. It's not easy, but nothing worth doing is easy I'm afraid. It must be a joint effort.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Kathy, I liked you pointing out relationships have issues period. Marriages are work period. Not just a PTSD thing even though I am sure it has "perks"! I would like to see my husband respond to this. He rarely posts but maybe I can point him this way to comment further.

 

[Kathy]

Absolutely veiled. Marriage is difficult, even at the best of times. Seems many people simply do not want to make the necessary sacrifices and compromises. If people worked as hard on their marriages as they do on planning big elaborate weddings, there would be far fewer divorces I believe. I don't know about others, but my marriage vows included "for better or for worse" and "in sickness and in health". That about says it all in my mind.

It would be lovely to have your husband's input.

 

[Ubu]

Agreement

Kathy I agree, My first marriage i stuck it out for 2 years trying to get my wife to give up her lesbian lover. Now i have a wife with PTSD. She thinks she will be happier away from me and with her old boyfriend she new 20 years ago. She says im a good husband and father and doesnt know why she want to leave and she feels guilty. I dont think it is all PTSD. Mid life crisis maybe. I havent seen to many people leave spouses for other interests in this forum. Usually because of the wear and tear of the depression, anxiety, stress, anger. I can see that if it is abusive or a bad for the kids, but because of a fantasy from a loving relationship 20 years ago. I dont think so. I dont leave marriages because im unhappy. It can be worked through. Unless of course your spouse is more caught up in another person. Both spouses giving it 100%. If not its shot to hell.

 

[vcc123]

Yesterday my daughter told me she hates it in our home, she says all we do is fight. My husband and I always bickering over my PTSD, or me not 'feeling good'. My husband (Ubu) is right about not giving it our all.. I guy from 20 years ago is someone I've never forgotten, or gotten over. I recently found out that he's felt the same all these years. We were both unaware and afraid to talk to the other. So this of course added to the problems in my home.

My husband and I had problems before the '20 yr guy' came into the picture, our blended family issues, my depression and other symptoms of PTSD, his issues over his failed marriage, kids, church, work, and subsequently his drinking problem. Its become too much for me to handle, in addition to my own shit.

This thing with the '20 yr guy' may or may not ever happen.. but its an unresolved thing, I cant just turn it off. My Ubu is a wonderful man, and I've taken responsibility for my share of this situation and then some. I'm trying to keep everyone happy, & in the process, NOBODY is happy. My daughter wants to move out, (she's 13) I feel completely hollow, I have NO idea who I am anymore. I feel guilty for making my husband hurt & I feel like I'm helpless.

I guess I feel like leaving is the best answer. Letting my husband off the hook, not having to deal with me and my problems. Giving myself a chance to finally find out who I am. (20 yr guy) lives in another state and is not going to be part of the equation. I need to get over my feelings of hurt and bitterness about my employer's complete lack of acknowledgement of my work related issue. (I WAS a part of that family for almost 11 years) They shit on me, when I needed them the most.

I'm sorry that my husband is getting the brunt of this shit.. he doesnt deserve it. I'm doing the best I can - but I'm seriously at the end of my fkn rope.. he has no idea how desperately I mean this. I'm frantically treading water here.. and I'm NOT winning.

 

[Ubu]

With my previous post I was frustrated and I looked up PTSD and Mid Life Crisises. With what my wife is going through there was alot of overlaping. I am still trying to understand all of this. I was posting with incorrect information. At the time it made sense. I get scared, frustrated, and angery. I was wrong.