Happy for an identity i actually don't have???

[Ronin]

Imho if you participate in a culture and are welcome in the culture? There's nothing much of a dilemma (only a plenty littler ones how to do it 'right', but ultimately one doesn't need to worry about it so much if it's 'just' about fitting in for socializing sake.). Live and enjoy while it lasts and move on if things don't work.
Identities (co-) form in socialization, and are fluid by default. That's not a bad thing. That's a lot of potential for growth and exploration and defining and re-defining self, if you ask me.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks everyone for writing your views and helping me.

Just to clear one thing: the reason I ask a lot of questions here is because I'm curious and I want to learn and understand things. I don't come here to annoy people. With the diary thing, not many people read that and I don't get much replies or feedback on those. I did message the admin staff to ban me from writing too many threads because maybe I am upsetting people of my own culture.

The reason I don't want to belong to my culture is exactly how @Lewa stated. I was never welcomed in my culture because I was a girl. There was male dominance, domestic violence at home, we didn't have much food choices because my father would rather save his money. You are looked down for being a female. You have different rules as to men and I was considered UGLY not only by my father but by my mum's siblings too. I grew up hating my ethnicity and I wanted to scrape it off me but I know that I can't. I'm not saying things are perfect in Persian culture and you can't judge s book by its cover but I don't feel like an outsider whenever I've attended their functions unlike with my family or my culture where you are judged from head to toe.

Sorry @Tanishq but I don't identify myself with the Indian culture because there are too many open wounds from that background. I am now starting to tolerate few people from Indian background but it's just difficult for me to be part of the culture now. I know that I hurt your sentiments whenever I write about Indian culture but I really can't accept how I have been treated all these years of my life. I hated being the third class citizen there and even here. I grew up with low to no self esteem.

That's all for now.

 

[Ronin]

Curiosity isn't wrong, your reasons are yours to own, and there's nothing wrong needing support in important areas of life you simply didn't have, couldn't have, in your home one. We're all different people, you don't really have to represent anyone but yourself, and even then, we're not here for doing that, we're here for finding help with a shared medical condition.

 

[ms spock]

I develop fears. I start feeling suffocated and start feeling that I am judged on every little thing and it is true because it has always happened in the past.

Always? Every single time in every single situation? Interesting thought pattern there. So there has never been one single time that Indian people did not judge you on every little thing? Never once in your life you haven't had a positive experience any person of Indian descent?

Is it true because it happened in the past? I actually think that you are living in the past and reacting to all Indians like they are like your family, which is simply not true, not all Indians are like your parents and extended family. ( I have this same problem. I project my parents onto people all the time.)

You have to sort out your abusive family and separate that from your cultural identity as an Indian. Can you see an Indian psychologist to work through these issues?

Have you got a copy of that David Burns books that anthony recommends? Look at the ten most distorted thinking patterns.

I get anxiety whenever I'm in crowd full of Indians. But today when I was in a crowd full of Iranian (Persian ) people, I felt part of them, I felt one of them , I actually felt welcomed but I felt unwanted and disliked in my crowd.

Your fear at being got at by people like your family is clouding your ability to be in this now. Not all Indian people are going to behave or treat you like your family of origin did. But you are not able to separate the past from the now at this time.

 

[moonbeam]

It sounds to me like you have issues with the Indian culture because of the past.

All cultures have rules and societal expectations and Persians are no different its just that because you weren't raised Persian you haven't had to experience them.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to belong and feel accepted. Humans are pack animals and we want to be with those who are like and understand us. The forum is a clear example of this.

You have issues with the Indian culture you were raised with. The Persian culture has been accepting of you and doesn't have the past issues. Makes sense you would like them. You can either continue to identify with the Persians. Try to patch up your issues with your Indian heritage which I strongly recommend at some point as its unfair to them and you to continue to be biased against a whole culture for the actions of the few. Identify with a 3rd culture entirely. Or choose not to put yourself into a label but to just belong to the human race. Its your choice.

As for the threads vs diary thing. I don't see anything wrong with asking questions so long as they are new and different. However a diary would also be beneficial for you to write about things as they come up, new ideas, new emotions to help you process everything. I keep one in writing. Its nice to identify patterns of thought, emotions, new questions or realisations to puzzle out and it helps with just working through stuff. Not that there is anything wrong with asking questions. Its just that we can only guess and advise, only you can know how you feel and figure out what explanation fits and just what's right for you. I think a diary would also help you with exploring your feelings towards the Indian culture to hopefully understand and work past it someday.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Ms Spock, I don't know how easy it is going to be not judged by an Indian therapist if I have one. I tried an Indian doctor in 2013 because I was suicidal. After finding out about my childhood sexual abuse he told me "not to sleep around ". When he found about my mum's siblings and my father's behavior he started asking me why I am blaming them not my mother, he also labeled me as "narcissistic, jealous, selfish". That was just not enough for him and he transfered all my personal information to his wife who was a nurse there and she was the one directly calling me and asking "if I was sexually abused".

As far as I know, the doctor and patient information is supposed to be confidential unless any health risk. His comments and labeling made me more depressed and it took me more than 3 months to find another doctor. I am not saying all Indians are bad not all of them are saints either. I have lost trust in professional Indian doctors after seeing him.

 

[ms spock]

Your experience with the Indian doctor is appalling J_trustno1. Absolutely appalling.

So you would have to find an Indian that is actually not like that Indian Doctor, (who was a bit too much like your own family). Totally so wrong J.

My ex girlfriend was Indian, and she would have a very, very different reaction to that disgusting doctor. She would have comforted you. She would say you have put up with too much abuse. She would say you been through too much. She would say you have been through to much sexism. She would have said many nice, comforting and validating things.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Ms Spock. I found a different doctor and she's a kiwi doctor. I used to see her before but tried this doctor. He was the first and probably my last male doctor. I was very traumatized by his behavior. I'm working on these issues in therapy. There are too many things to work on. Btw I am now able to eat in front of other people without feeling embarrassed. I could never eat in front of people before.Thank God for this.

 

[ms spock]

I am so glad you can eat in front of other people J. The whole Indian thing is going to take a while to heal. Those cognitive distortions from David Burns' book are really good. When you have a chance have a look at them.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Ms Spock, Yes I definitely will after this weekend. I know that it is very huge process to overcome those thoughts and feelings but it requires a lot of hard work and dedication. Thanks for the help :hug:s :)

 

[Tanishq]

@J_trustno1 No, no I think you didn't read my post well. I chose not to talk about cultures because I don't have clear answer for that. No, it's not the way you talk about Indian culture which hurts me, you know what hurts me? You keep moving in that vicious circle. That's what hurts me. Just you did it in the thread. It's going to take long time to break that cycle, so you can feel peaceful with yourself.

 

[Tanishq]

I keep one in writing.

This is why I am encouraging her to keep working on diary. If everything is in one, the less scattered you are. Then again it is upto her. No forcing, just gentle encouragement.