Hate Doctors And Therapists

[Beebee]

I saw a lot of doctors while I was a kid because teachers notices something 'was wrong'. None of them helped me.

The last ones I saw when I was a minor said I have autism and justified all my parent did to me.

I didn't want to see one again, but a year ago I tried to kill myself and I was inpatient. It wasn't that bad, but they didn't truly help me. When I was outside I saw a therapist for 3 months who I could trust even if I didn't feel he truly believed me -He wanted to phone my mother to ask her question about me, and insisted a lot on it-. Eight months ago I was referred to a day hospital I never could fit in. In february I was inpatient again against my will and the psychiatrist was horrible to me, I was released feeling much worse, afraid of being near any kind of hospital or doctor.

I have been seing the day hospital psychiatrist almost once 1-2 weeks -for psychotherapy-, but I felt worse after talking to him so I began to cancel appointments. I think last time I went was 2,5 months ago.

I cannot pay a private therapist and they won't refer me to any other place because there are not more day hospitals in the area. He is the only psychiatirst there.

I am feeling really bad, constantly suicidal, I cannot take care of myself, I cannot work, I am desperate. Social workers told me if I don't go to the day hospital I won't be given financial support for disability anymore -I don't have any other income, I don't have family or friends-. But I can't stand going there. I went to ER and asked my physician for alternatives but they don't know any.

I just want to make the world disappear, specially the doctor who hurt me that much when I was inpatient in february. There is only pain, no help, no kindness for me. I am a renegade human.

I am even considering to take dextromethophan, I need some relief.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Are there any local hotlines you can reach out to?

 

[Beebee]

No, there aren't.... just the emergency number -112-.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

OK, now this might sound radical....

This is what I did: I pulled myself together so well that the damn psychiatrists can't touch me.

Lest this sound undoable, let me explain. First of all, I was determined never to get admitted to a psych hospital again because, not only did such inpatient treatment not help, it made feel dependent and powerless, thus intensifying my depression. Those places are crazy-making! Not good. So, I decided to never go back.

And how do you not go back?
1. Don't act out.
2. Don't threaten to commit suicide.
3. Keep a roof over your head and food on your table. Shower, eat, sleep, etc.

At first, when I felt suicidal or whatever, I'd say to myself, "You want to go back THERE? You know that's what will happen!" And this thought would keep me from acting out. I'd choose a different path. Over and over and over, I went through these sorts of scenarios. Each time, I chose to take a path that would NOT lead back to a hospital.

And, guess what? It got easier over time. MUCH easier, until I got to the point I no longer have these issues. It's been many years since I have been in a hospital or even seen a psychiatrist.

I feel much more powerful. Not manic or unhealthy powerful, but rather just like a normal adult.

Regarding the Day Treatment Plan: I get it. To keep your disability benefits, you've got to go to Day Treatment. Now, if you decide to go - and, yes, you really do get to decide - how about going as the most put-together healthy adult you can imagine? Don't go in there thinking about the negatives, go in there feeling a healthy empowerment. Do you think the so-called professional mental health workers walk into Day Treatment feeling bad about themselves? No way. Why? They are ok with themselves. They don't have DSM labels on their foreheads.

So, how about 'doing' Day Treatment without a DSM label on your forehead? Go in all put together - just a normal person - and feel good about what you are doing. Something very good might just come of it, other than providing you with disability benefits.

Want to know what happened to me? Even though I was still on disability, the professionals realized that I really was an OK person doing fine. So, they said, "Hey! Do you want to go back to work?" I said, "How can I? I've been off work for a few years, no one will hire me. And, besides, I don't think I can go back to teaching high school."

And what did they say?

"Yes, teaching high school might be too stressful for you. How about if WE pay for a graduate degree for you? You can continue receiving ALL of your disability and other benefits until you have completed your degree and have been working full-time for nine months!"

We put it all down in writing - it's a legal contract. Now, I am a normal, healthy person (albeit with some anxiety issues) going to graduate school. I don't have to work because my disability benefits are supporting me.

I got everything I wanted, after all, and ALL BECAUSE I DECIDED TO TAKE CONTROL OF MYSELF.

Ben

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

BeeBee, I just read my last post, and found it didn't come off the way I wanted it to.

The take away message should be:
BeeBee, I hear you. You didn't get what you needed as a child. You were forced into therapeutic situations that didn't work for you. You've had people labeling you with DSM labels that haven't worked for you, and because of how everything gelled, you've lost a significant amount of control over your life.

Despite how everything appears right now, it doesn't need to remain this way. I know you are frustrated and even desperate. BeeBee, you have the power within you to turn this situation around, direct your own life, and to go on your own chosen way. I truly believe this.

I was trying to empower you with my post above, but I got a bit out there, possibly intimidating and even egotistical. I am sorry.

I just want to empower you. You are worth every good thing, and I want you to have the chance to find out just exactly how good that is, and what it really means.

Ben

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I read you post BeeBee and it sounded like a hell for you. I read Ben's replies and I love his sheer determination to haul himself out of it. I don't know if you have his kind of energy yet - and don't feel bad if you don't - but maybe a bit of what he is saying could sink in and you decide somewhere deep within to change this round AND get what you need.
I feel for you. I feel pretty messed up by therapists. but I am working with a life coach, an acupuncturist, yoga, tai chi, and a therapist who is ending with me soon and I am looking at a replacement but on my terms. I get disability which pays for this. disability payments might be the way to go if you can fill in the forms - which aren't easy.

 

[Beebee]

Before reading what BuckarooBanzai told me I took 300mg of dextromethorphan and I had an extreme trip. I am sorry I haven't reply yet.

I like what you two are telling me and I find it helpful, I cannot say more since I still have some confusion and troubles spelling and writing. But I will.

I am sorry

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Beebee, I'm so sorry to hear about your rough ride on medication. This seems to be an extreme dose; are you trying to self-medicate?

Worried about you. Hope you feel better very soon.

I'm rooting for you!

Ben

 

[Beebee]

Thank you. Dextromethorphan in high dose is a dissociative drug like ketamine. 300mg is not a high recreational dose but I got too many effects since my body doesn't metabolize meds appropriately, It was like taking 800-1000mg. I couldn't walk and barely see. I ended up in hospital for 26h -not a psychiatric one, I didn't see a psychiatrist-.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

That's still a massive dosage. It worries me that you are in such distress that you are willing to risk your life by self-medicating. This could be interpreted as a suicide gesture.

You are lucky you aren't on a psych unit right now. Actually, I wonder if you need it? Is someone home with you, someone who knows what happened? Are you tempted to overdose again?

You are worth so much more than this. Please don't repeat this action.

Ben

 

[joeylittle]

@Beebee - did you take the dextro in order to get high, or in order to hurt yourself?

 

[Beebee]

I didn't want to hurt myself, I just wanted to feel good. I won't do it again since my body can't metabolize it and I still have some effects -I took it on wednesday-.

Because of it I don't feel that bad anymore, but I live alone and I have no family or friends, nobody knows.