Poll Have You Forgiven The People Who Hurt You

[The Albatross]

I forgave my dad, I forgave my exhusband (it took me 15 years though)... working on forgiving my mom who is still in her behaviors.

I voted, yes it helped.

 

[Kintsugi]

My T and I actually had a discussion about forgiveness today. I said that even if my brother crucified himself decades down the line for my forgiveness (in a moment of epiphany in which he realized he was an invalid and a leech), I probably wouldn't be willing to forgive him. She told me if I ever meet a T who says that forgiveness is the goal, run like hell.

 

[sea]

No. I don't mean to start anything or say anything negative or anything but these are just mostly my thoughts, the way I generally handle these kind of concepts, so really I just apply them to myself and no one else.

For me, there is a big difference between forgiving someone and choosing not to waste time being angry at them. I don't waste my time being angry at a lot of people whose names I don't even know. That is not the same thing as forgiving them. I will never forgive them. I look at it like this: Imagine if you have done something wrong and you say, I am sorry and someone says I forgive you. How do you feel then? You feel like there is no longer a weight on your shoulders. Like it is no longer your responsibility to feel sorry, or to have that responsibility of what you did hanging on your shoulders anymore. I forgive you means you can stop thinking about it, you can stop obsessing about it, you can stop feeling bad about it, you can stop feeling responsible for it, and you can move on. I say I forgive you to people that I feel do not deserve to have that weight, or to have that guilt.

The way I see it, forgiveness is not for the forgivers. Forgiveness is not for me. Maybe I'm getting into semantics but that is the truth from my perspective. It isn't. This little tidbit from Wikipedia pretty much says what I want to say, especially in the Oxford part: Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation, or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.

I think a lot of people confuse "letting go of anger" or "beginning to feel positive/peaceful toward wrongdoers" with "forgiveness" and it is just not the same thing for me. I often hear that I should forgive others, that I should let go, that I should stop thinking about it, that I should just forgive them, that it would make me feel so much better. And I can't help but think, no it won't. It will make them feel so much better. Not me.

I have done some things wrong in my life, too. I would like people to no longer hate me. I would like people to let go of any anger they have toward me that makes them feel negative. But I don't want their forgiveness because I am responsible for my own actions, my guilt is part of that responsibility. Forgiveness is meant to assuage guilt, and I don't believe that is proper. Guilt is your mind's way of telling you that you have f*cked up, it is there to remind you that you are responsible for what you did. If I am no longer guilty, I no longer feel responsible. I have to live with my actions. I don't get a pardon. I don't get to give up my claim to my own actions. The best I would hope for is for someone I have wronged to no longer feel angry toward me, to feel like they might be able to reconcile with me, or not to think of me as this hideous monster. But to forgive me? That just gives me ammunition to forget about it.

So why would I forgive someone who hurt me and destroyed my f*cking life? Why would I say oh, it's okay, it's cool, it's all good just so they can feel a weight lifted from their shoulders? If they truly deserve for me to feel positively toward them, and to communicate with them, and to open a channel of exchange with them, they will own their f*cking behavior and not just come to me for a cheap cop out of I'm sorry / I forgive you and then feel great about it for the rest of their lives.

If my kid knocks over a cup of juice and says "I am sorry" of course I'll say "I forgive you" because it's juice, it didn't hurt anybody, and my kid isn't f*cking two so he obviously didn't mean to do it. But if he took an axe and cut off one of my legs, I don't think I'd be forgiving him. Even though he is my son. I would still love him, hell - I might not even be mad at him. But I wouldn't forgive him for it, because he needs to be responsible for doing that.

In terms of the popular conception of forgiveness, *steppin' off my soapbox* ... pretty much still no. I am a bitter, resentful, indignant mess and I probably always will be. :whistling:

 

[Ted Moen]

There are a number of people related to one trauma or another I was sure I would never forgive, that I had no desire to forgive. However, once I reached a certain point in the process of learning to live with PTSD forgiveness became the next emotional step in the process. Forgiveness of others, forgiveness of myself. To me, forgiveness means understanding others and myself as human beings. Rather than playing armchair quarterback judging others and myself after the fact, removed from the situation, I shifted to understanding the person at that age and development doing their best to get through a situation. I have come to think that no one has set out in life to be an abuser. Similarly I doubt that anyone set out to be a victim. At the same time, forgiving the person to me does not mean condoning the behavior, or mean that the person should be excused from the appropriate consequences of their behavior.

As the process of forgiving progressed, it was much more about forgiving myself than others. It was like forgiving others was the warmup, practice cases leading to the big case, forgiving myself, understanding and accepting myself as a humaan being working my way through situations as best I could, given my age and understanding at the time.

So yes, I have forgiven the people who hurt me, even myself. And that has been a good thing, although like any part of the process of learning to live with PTSD it has to be refreshed from time to time.

Ted

 

[Crl1983]

Look, I can understand trying to forgive some things. But when your father murders your sister, well, It's pretty much impossible to forgive him for that. It seems impossible for me. I'd like to see anyone who has been through this or similar say otherwise.

I also don't see myself forgiving my ex. He didn't just hurt me, he hurt our children as well. This piece of work threatened to kill not only me, but our children as well. Schizophrenic or not, there is never any excuse for threatening to kill your own children, or actually doing so.

 

[Heather]

I saw my sister yesterday. I hate her. She refuses to believe what her evil scumbag disgusting husband did to me. So, no I don't forgive her. I don't forgive him. I don't forgive my mother.

I do forgive myself. For buying into the guilt trip they laid on me all this time. Making me think everything was my fault. I now know: WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. I see that for what it is: Bullsh*t.

 

[a3a2]

"How do you know if you have forgiven them?"

I know that I have forgiven them because I can put myself in their shoes and really understand why they did the things they did. Not like, not accept, but understand. They parented me the way that they were parented, and the way that they were parented was authoritarian and in my father's case, brutally abusive.

I have had the opportunity to break the cycle that he in particular was part of, and hopefully, when I am old, my children will not mind spending time with me because I will have worked out my problems and taken responsibility for the ones that I inadvertently passed on.

.

Do you still have contact with them? Does the anger ever come back to you?

I have worked hard to understand why they did what they did...and I can to a great degree, though I can't accept it. But they still do some of the (okay, a lot) manipulation, and it burns me.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I have come to the conclusion that no way works for everyone. This is a path we all must clear on our own. That is what is so scary. PTSD , like any mental illness, is like being tossed into a jungle all alone. The foilage is so dense that you cannot even see, no sunlight, either .

And you are given a butter knife against huge vines and trees. And no one can help. You have to start to saw away slowly and have patience with each branch.

THEN you hit a patch that gives you some sun! And it makes you soooo happy! And you are motivated to keep sawing. For some, to forgive motivates and for others the notions makes you want to curl up under all the vines and cry.

The key is to do whatever it takes to keep you working hard at clearing your own path and not to stop.

Thank goodness that even though on this path that we are alone, we can hear one another and shout to one another and sometimes if we stretch really really hard, we can reach out and link hands with another person and understand there are others in this dense jungle, too.

 

[Kb3]

"Do you still have contact with them? Does the anger come back to you?

Yes and yes. I have infrequent contact with them, and only occasionally speak on the phone with my dad. When I see them I do feel myself being sucked back into their insanity and that can infuriate me. I may never be able to spend a lot of time with them again, but I keep myself relatively safe by using boundaries and walking away when I need to.

What makes me angry now is when they breach my boundaries and trigger me into reacting in a way that I no longer want to, and in that case, I still don't blame them. I feel that I should know better, that I can't expect things from people who are unable to give it. I am lucky to realise that they are the problem and not me, and when I've had enough, I get the hell out of there and leave them to their mental purgatory. I am not able to stay angry at people that I have pity for.

 

[Kb3]

"I think a lot of people confuse "letting go of anger" or "beginning to feel positive/peaceful toward wrongdoers" with "forgiveness" and it is just not the same thing for me. I often hear that I should forgive others, that I should let go, that I should stop thinking about it, that I should just forgive them, that it would make me feel so much better. And I can't help but think, no it won't. It will make them feel so much better. Not me."

Thank you Sea for saying so beautifully the way that I feel towards forgiving my recent abusers. I have been struggling to articulate this for a long time.

 

[Rob_Dog19]

I have received an apology from the person who abused me for years,but I don't think I've forgiven him yet...I don't think I know how. I still harbor this anger towards him, and though he's explained it, I just can't bring myself to forgive him. I definitely have not forgiven the man who abused me when I was a toddler, because he abused my sister, too. To know that he hurt me and my sister is a barrier far too great to surpass...but in my family, I am expected to be amicable with everyone, even those who hurt me the most...I don't think true forgiveness will ever be able to happen until I am allowed to excommunicate myself...

 

[The Albatross]

Forgiveness was extended in my case... because my emotions were killing me. I had to choose my anger, grief, fear, and resentments or life. I chose life. I was killing myself with booze. I'm no longer at risk for death by alcoholism... but am still trying to deal with some of these things in the relationships I have left. One seems likely to be improving, my marriage.... one is still disintegrating, my mother. I have no contact with my brother.

I can forgive... but don't know how to manage the continuing hurtful behaviors of the two people closest to me. That's where I'm in trouble at these days.