General He Has Therapy Tomorrow

[DLadi]

We've been apart for almost a month although I see him often- I tutor his children every day.

He has an appointment with his T tomorrow and I'm afraid I might say the wrong thing the next time I see him. I don't think that I should ask any questions as we aren't at the long conversation point but I also don't want to ignore it. I don't want him to think that I don't care how it all went... this is tough.

I may not have a chance to talk to him when he picks up the boys but I will on Saturday as I go to their football games. Should I ask how the appointment went or just see if he feels better by his actions?

I don't usually ask for help as I'm one of those impulsive people who thinks that she knows how to handle situations... but this is so different and I don't want to add to his stress. I want him to trust me enough to come back when he's ready.

 

[Vickym]

DLadi,

The best advice I can give you from my experience is wait and see how he is by his actions. Its hard to say what he might talk about in his appt and how he will react to it after the fact. I can usually tell what my bf has talked about by his actions. If it was something good or great about us I get really sweet text. If it was something about us not so good or maybe he wasnt sure he is distant but gives me what if questions. Then there is the war if it was war related I know by the look in his face the tone in his voice even his body language. Dont get me wrong not all war related talks are bad for him some he enjoys its when he hits a trigger that he has a hard time with. Good luck to you! Be patient present yourself as aproachable and be willing to listen not judge.

 

[Frankie]

Hi DLadi,

The thing that struck me right away is when you said you are an impulsive person :) When you are with someone that is dealing with PTSD...I don't know if that is a very good thing:).

I gather by what I read in your posts, that even though you are not together at this time, you still seem to have some kind of relationship. One thing I can tell you is that any kind of thoughtful idea you might have will not always be considered the same way from your bf ! If you go see him or call him or bring him gifts, that might put pressure in him that he is not ready to deal with right now.

He has pushed you away and needs is time-out. Do not push or put pressure on him, no matter how much you want him to open up to you, if he does not want, he won't and pressuring him will only push him further away.

When you were together was he happy when you asked about his visits with his doctor ? Did he talk about it with you ?

I know that with my now exbf...everytime he came from his visits, he was down, it was very hard for him.

All I used to say was "how did your visit go?, do you want to talk about it?" (I would hug him and say how proud I was of him). And I would take it from there. Sometimes he would talk and sometimes he wouldn't, I respected that, he knew I was there for him.

So depending on the relationship you now have, and knowing what he can handle at this time, only you can decide what and how you approach him.

 

[Nicolette]

Should I ask how the appointment went or just see if he feels better by his actions?

In my experience I would suggest that you make a "comment in passing" at the football on Saturday like didn't you have counselling this week? and leave it at that. That way if he wants to talk about it you have brought the subject up and he can chat away, if he doesn't want to talk all he has to say is "yes" and leave it at that and most importantly, you have demonstrated you have remembered without putting any pressure on him. If you say anything on the actual counselling day I believe you will only be adding pressure.

Just my thoughts..........

 

[DLadi]

Thank you all!! I usually get a lunch break and had planned to check the forum before going back to work but I ended up at a meeting and couldn't make it home for lunch... so I was worried that I didn't know what to do. Well... the boys sort of saved the day! The youngest one had a ton of homework that took us almost 2 hours to get through while Dad visited throughout the center.. and eventually came and sat with us. It was comfortable- he called me honey a few times.. made a few jokes... it was almost like before. Since the boys were right there, there wasn't a good time to ask any questions so I was kind of relieved.

I did notice that he seemed at ease. He didn't look like he was in pain as he sometimes does so I was so happy to see him relaxed. Nicolette, great idea to mention it at the football game... thank you!

 

[DLadi]

An Update:

I had the day wrong. He actually had therapy on Thursday. We were talking about the boys and their homework and he mentioned that he was exhausted as he had his therapy that day. I said- Oh, I thought that was yesterday. He pulled out his doctor's card with the appointment time on it and handed it to me. It seemed like such a personal thing to do. The boys interupted us so I didn't get to comment.

Friday, as he was leaving, he said that he'd see me on Monday. Since he knows that I go to the football games, I started to think that it was his way of telling me that he didn't want me to go. There started my little anxiety thingy. I ended up in my office with my co-worker, having a melt down and talking to him about it. (we share most things as we share an office) He calmed me down and talked about how I felt and that I should pay attention to my feelings once in awhile.
Anyway, I ended up calling my sufferer after I got home from errands after work. He answered the phone which surpirsed me a bit as he hasn't answered my calls in quite some time- but I hadn't called him in a week so maybe that made the difference- or maybe it was the therapy session. So, after a bit of small talk I mentioned his parting comment and asked if it was his way of telling me that he would rather that I didn't go to the games. He was surprised that I would think that and we went on from there. Then he mentioned his therapy- spending over 1.5 hrs with the T. I asked how it went and he said that it was tough. I mentioned that it is supposed to help, in the long run, to go through the it all and face it. He said that it is tough to get through each session right now. I said that I was sorry that he had to go through the experiences. He made a joke to change the subject. Phew!
Later I received some cute emails and one with compliments... he's coming around!
No, I won't count my chickens... I'll just keep letting him make the first moves and see what happens. This is not easy for me... my impulsive side has many private conversations with my realistic side... ;~)

I'm off to get ready for some football!!

 

[Frankie]

DLadi, things are coming along for you :) Slowly but surely, he will make the moves he is comfortable with ! And yes, he is so right, going to see their T is so draining for them !

"This is not easy for me... my impulsive side has many private conversations with my realistic side... ;~)"....Funny, well, you are doing good in keeping your impulsive side in private conversations lol

Good luck !