Relationship He stopped communication; will he come back?

[LovingH]

So this is info we aren’t privileged to when our hearts have been smashed into pieces because of it? How is any of this fair?

This is one of the risks you take when you get into a relationship. It just is. I got with ppl who were dishonest..disloyal..cheaters..and certainly didn't warn me of those tendencies at the start.

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

And sadly to say, the same goes for mental illness. MANY of us believe this isn’t info you are privileged to have until a certain point in the relationship. There are a lot of married people here who don’t tell their spouse about their ptsd.

I would have thought the same thing. I would want to wait until I knew the person much better before sharing that information.....but my sufferer told me immediately. Literally during our first conversation (he also told me he was going to marry me less than a week after we met and before we even kissed, so......).

Now this may have just been him being honest and wanting me to know something that could affect our relationship right from the start. I was certainly very naive about how PTSD can affect relationships and I didn’t think twice about it. It was simply irrelevant to how I saw him or felt about him.

However, if I look at this in hindsight, this honesty may have been more of a manipulative tactic (for those who haven’t read my story my sufferer is also a narcissist so many of the things I experienced or the statements I make are NOT coming from a typical supporter/sufferer relationship), and him using his PTSD to ensnare me. He played the PTSD card A LOT and, I won’t lie, it worked with me 100% of the time. I also know that it is one of the first things that he shared with the other woman while we were still together and he was looking for a new ‘supply’. This would lead me to believe that, in his case, it was the later. But, of course, I don’t really know his motivation and, either way, I certainly bonded to him very quickly with everything he shared (and it would appear that this other woman did too). I just thought I would mention this. This is not to say that just because someone chooses to share their PTSD with others immediately that it should raise a red flag.....but it is something to be aware of, I think.

In the end, everyone has to do what is best for them in terms of their own relationships. We know ourselves best and we know what we can handle and what we can’t. However, it would be very harsh to say that everyone with a mental illness is ‘out’. We ALL have ‘issues’. No one is perfect. There are lots of people out there who do not have mental illness that are angry, horrible, selfish people. There are those with mental health issues that are warm and sweet and loving and kind. There are so many layers to people.

For me, I will say, even with the brutal on again off again, emotionally abusive relationship I was in, I would consider being with someone else with PTSD again. I believe everyone deserves love and I know I am strong enough to see someone through the tough times...... because I’ve done it. I feel like I have learnt a great deal from this relationship (and its aftermath), and that I am in a much better position to be able to have a ‘successful’ relationship....whether that person has a mental illness or not.

 

[WTF Happened]

@Junebug You said nothing wrong :)

You've been incredibly generous sharing your experience and offering your insight. It really is more comforting than you know.

I can't imagine what it would be like for us blindsided ex's if this forum didn't exist, and if kind people like you didn't openly share what PTSD is like for them. My level of understanding and compassion has skyrocketed thanks to these stories.

Wish I could tell all of you how great YOU are and how YOU are worth fighting for. And not just say it, but somehow make you feel it.

 

[WTF Happened]

So instead of being honest about it from the beginning about the severity of his illness...he worms his way into my heart, makes all these promises, gets me to open up completely so I can give all of me to him...unknowningly that he’d just one day disappear...breaking all the promises he has made and doesn’t even have the decency to say a single thing? Leaving me behind to think this was all my fault?

If it's of any comfort, it's highly unlikely he knew any of this was going to happen.

I don’t see how ptsd would make a person incapable of common relationship decency or would make a strong, valiant hero of war not strong enough to be a man of his words.

You'd be surprised.

How is any of this fair?

It's not.

 

[Freida]

PTSD isn't fair. It's a shit show for everyone involved. That's part of what it is -- a lack of ability to have the emotions and relationships that you think you deserve...and that is for both the sufferer and the supporter.

I don’t see how ptsd would make a person incapable of common relationship decency or would make a strong, valiant hero of war not strong enough to be a man of his words.

I think this might be the part that is so hard to wrap the mind around. What you think of as common decency may be missing because hes just an ass - nothing to do with ptsd. Or it may be that the ptsd made him think he WAS being decent. He felt what he said he felt, and meant what he said he meant. Then something makes the ptsd kick in. Chances are high it was nothing to do with you. but once that happens for me everything changes. I can still say the words I'm supposed to say, but I don't feel them anymore. But of course I can't say that, because I can't explain what is happening. So no matter what I say I'm screwed.

I think it's important to understand it's not a always choice to bail. I totally disconnect from everything and everyone around me - but I don't do it on purpose. It happens TO me. My brain just shuts off. So the idea of following rules of how to treat other people just don't register. And if people start bla blahing at me about not behaving "correctly" it pisses me off because I have no idea what they are talking about.

PTSD is a monster that swallows up the humanity you used to have and leaves a shell behind. Sometimes you can still "be" a person, but it's damn hard to maintain. And you always tell yourself it won't happen again. Then it does. So you have to find supporters who are ok with that push/pull cycle and not everyone can do it. I quite frankly can't understand how my supporters get thru it...but they are all people who have been around since long before my diagnosis. It's how they know me -- as a bit of a freak. The diagnosis was just a confirmation of why.

You got caught up in something horrible and yes, it's unfair and leaves you with so many questions that can't be answered. But that's not because of YOU. If he bailed because of the ptsd then asking why is like asking why the sky is blue. There's a whole bunch of scientific answers but the easy one is -- it just is.

 

[WTF Happened]

And if people start bla blahing at me about not behaving "correctly" it pisses me off because I have no idea what they are talking about.

Do you ever... sometimes... eventually... get what they are talking about? Maybe even years down the road, while you're in therapy, looking back on things, and realize, "Oh wow... they were right. That really was shitty."

 

[AllConfused]

And you also get amnesia as part of PTSD? Like you completely forget how good things were? How deeply you felt at the moment that you’d make mountains move to be with the person?

All of that just disappears?! And even after some time passed when you’ve gained distance from the relationship, you don’t even remember?

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

Do you ever... sometimes... eventually... get what they are talking about? Maybe even years down the road, while you're in therapy, looking back on things, and realize, "Oh wow... they were right. That really was shitty."

I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. I have asked the same questions over and over again. I have come to realize that, for me at least, it only makes it worse for me....it prolongs the agony. You and I and everyone else who has had the same thing happen to us (some of us multiple times) are only causing ourselves more pain by trying to get the answers to questions that will most likely never be answered. We are hoping that at some point our (ex) partner will realize what they gave up. We are hoping that they will realize that they treated us poorly. We are looking for 'justice', 'acknowledgement', 'fairness', 'closure', a way to move forward without constantly looking back (and, lets face it, some are hoping for their sufferer to have a 'come to Jesus' moment and they will come running back to us realizing that we are the best thing that has ever happened to them and we will work it out and live happily ever after). Anything to give us some relief from the confusion and the pain that we are in.

None of us deserve any of this. NO! It isn't fair. I have gotten (and, who am I kidding, still get) caught up in the what is 'right' or 'fair' cycle and it is a bitch. Why did this happen? Doesn't he/she feel anything for me anymore? How can they just walk away and not look back? Why are they treating us like we are strangers? We want to understand and make sense of things that there literally may be NO explanation for. It will likely NEVER make sense to us. Do we keep going around in circles or do we get off this crazy merry-go-round? At some point we need to just STOP. Stop with everything being about them (and, I know this is tough when it feels like the whole relationship may have been about them)....and make it about us. What we need to start concentrating on is internal not external. Sure it would be great to think that at some point they may regret how they treated us but, whether that happens or not, the circumstances aren't about to change...so what does it really matter? We need to let it go. It is time to take back our power and control our own lives.

This is SOOOOOO easier said than done. I can tell other people all of that, but I can't necessarily do it for myself....but I am trying. REALLY hard. Some days I feel pretty good and then I have moments where I get overwhelmed and anxious and can't breath and I feel like I am back to where I was in the beginning - a really bad place.....starting to recover all over again. Those moments don't come as frequently now, so maybe that is enough to say things are improving?

I am relying on NO CONTACT (that will change in the fall when our kids all start hockey again....but at least I can do that for the next 2 months). Time and distance. Getting OUT and doing things. Exercising. Socializing. Working. Maybe dating ?. Moving forward. LIVING.

I have to have faith that with every day that goes by I will get closer to finding peace.
It's what I really wish we could all find - sufferer and supporter alike.

 

[Freida]

Do you ever... sometimes... eventually... get what they are talking about? Maybe even years down the road, while you're in therapy, looking back on things, and realize, "Oh wow... they were right. That really was shitty."

funny/sad I was just talking about this on the other thread... I just discovered that sometimes I actually blame them. Yep -- such is the ptsd brain.

So I'm trying to think it out.... If I just bail on someone do I look back later with regret? Not that I can think of. Because I'm not sure it's my fault that I left. I'm sure if I try hard enough I can find something to blame them for. But I think that what I look back I just remember ...not caring anymore. Not in a "I hate you" way. Just.... nothing

I did just realize that I don't think they ever think of me. Maybe that is the flip side? That I believe I mean so little to people that they never stop to think about me once I'm gone no matter how close we were?
hmmmm.... that's interesting......
It would certainly explain why I don't look back. There is no need to. It also explains why the blah blah pisses me off so much. Because it doesn't make sense to be upset about how I behaved with someone who didn't care about me in the first place.

ugh...why in the world would I think that about someone I was in a relationship with??

P.T.S.D yea. the answer everyone hates. The answer that rules my world.

All of that just disappears?!

yea. I guess it kinda does. I mean, I remember them and all, and I have good memories. But they are....muted? huh. Honestly until now I hadn't really thought about it.

ok now I've given myself a headache :banghead:
This is too much thinking for one day....

 

[WTF Happened]

@SweetPainfulLoving You articulated my daily struggle so well.

Wanting to (at long last) let it go completely. Not knowing how. Try to get angry and embrace a "who needs this shit?" mindset, and my compassion fights back. Try to be compassionate, and my anger fights back and says "who needs this shit?" It's a vicious circle.

I find that if it's a busy time in my life, I'm able to go long stretches without ever thinking about it. Some career achievements, for example, made me feel quite good about myself for a time, and made the way I was treated feel like scars rather than festering wounds. I'm sure that if I had the distraction and validation of a new relationship, that would help me move on as well. Unfortunately, this whole experience has really killed my interesting in dating, for the first time in my life. To say nothing of the huge trust issues I've developed.

I'm glad to hear that you're making progress, inch by inch. Obviously, all the more painful and complicated when kids are involved.

 

[EveHarrington]

At the time of my message to him, I was not aware of any ptsd.

Can you please clarify?

How can you know he has ptsd if when you told him about silence being ok, you weren’t aware of him having ptsd?

Did he actually tell you “I have ptsd” or is this a guess on your part, based on his service?

Can you clarify how long you were in a committed relationship with him?

So instead of being honest about it from the beginning about the severity of his illness...he worms his way into my heart, makes all these promises, gets me to open up completely so I can give all of me to him...unknowningly that he’d just one day disappear...breaking all the promises he has made and doesn’t even have the decency to say a single thing? Leaving me behind to think this was all my fault?

I know you’re mad and venting, but no relationship works like this. And if someone does tell you all about themselves from day 1, or even early on, that’s a huge red flag.

Relationships are a get to know you dance. As you get to know each other, trust builds. As trust builds, you find out more and more about the other person.

In your case, you found out about his ptsd and discovered you couldn’t handle it. This is perfectly fine.

The truth is that even when we do tell prospective partners about our ptsd from day one, most just think oh ok no biggie, I can handle it.

Just about every therapist says we can’t fully heal without caring relationships, and they are right. The thing is, we cannot fully know if we are ready for a relationship until we try. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. This is life, and no, life isn’t fair. If you expect life to be fair, you will be quite disappointed, quite often.

I doubt he set out to hurt you. Again, you said silence is fine, yet you are complaining that he gave you silence. You cannot say to someone that silence is fine and then get mad at them when they give you silence. I know the caveat was “silence is fine EXCEPT if you have ptsd” but you didn’t say this. I think that you’re just going to have to accept that you said something you didn’t 100% mean, and so the end is not 100% his fault. That is, the way the end happened is not 100% his fault.

I looked through the thread trying to find where you said how long you were with him, but I couldn’t find it.

 

[AllConfused]

After having read everything, that’s too crazy to invest yourself wholly into someone that could turn the switch off overnight and not even remember!

Now I understand why he expressed to me one night how deeply he wished he met me before he went to the army and how his life would be so different now...it all makes sense!

@WTF Happened how long has it been for you? I feel like you still haven’t moved on and are still hurting?