Hello: Carer Frustrated With SO's Health Care Providers

[ferretmom]

I'm not sure where to start. My SO was diagnosed with severe PTSD and he is having trouble dealing with it. I know he has problems and I'm trying my best to help him deal with them but I don't know how much more I can take. He has effectively run off all friends and most of my family so I have no one to talk to. His behavior is becoming more and more erratic and bordering on violent. His Dr. refuses to talk to me about my concerns, she says it's none of my business. I'm the one who lives with him and takes care of him not her. Is there any advice any one here can give me before I lose my mind. I'm desperate.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome to the forum......Not sure where you live, but if it's in the states, then you are dealing with the HIPPA laws, and his Dr is correct, but rather rude also...Unless your husband has given her consent to talk with you, she can't under the law.....

But, that doesn't mean that PTSD is an excuse for bad behavior, and you don't have to put it either. How much you are willing to put up with, is up to you.....If he is becoming violent, then I suggest that you call the police, and have them deal with it. That may include your husband spending some time, either in jail, or in the nearest Psych ward till he cools down, and takes responsibility for his behavior.....You don't have to take this, it isn't acceptable behavior, and he needs to be held accountable.......

Please take care of yourself....

 

[suzie q]

So glad that you found this forum!!

As a PTSD sufferer, I can tell you that if your SO displays angry, violent or erratic behavior there is little you can do to "fix" or stop it. Once I begin feeling those intense negative feelings, I shut down and am unable to receive advise. Those that are closest to me are the ones that end up getting hurt. Especially those who have no knowledge of what PTSD is about. Another part of me wants to keep it together but the symptoms are intense and I seem to have little control of my emotions. I really don't mean to hurt anyone, I just am so frustrated and confused. The more others try to help me, the more I lash out. I am, however, responsible for my behavior and should I choose to get out of hand, I know a consequence will occur. That's just life.

What She Cat stated is for your protection. He is having symptoms that he can't control and doesn't understand. That can and will change should he reach out for help from a professional. Sorry the professional he chose is such a bi*ch! I know you care but the best thing to do now is to back off and stay safe. Read up about PTSD here on the forum and look at posts made by carers and sufferers.

Arming yourself with knowledge will help you to stay calm and out of harms way...STAY SAFE
suzie q

 

[catjudo]

Like She Cat said, there are HIPPA laws that prevent the doctor from discussing anything about your SO's treatment, symptoms, care, etc. One thing I found worked for me quite a few years ago was to leave a message for the doctor stating that you knew she couldn't talk with you or discuss his care but there are some concerns you think she should be aware of but you're unsure that your SO is sharing with her. I then typed up a page with very specific concerns/incidents and faxed it to her office prior to her appointment with my then, SO. She was willing to read it before meeting with him and did discuss the issues with him. In this way, the doctor didn't have to violate doctor-patient confidentiality, but it did make her aware of some problems my SO was having that he was not discussing with her. It was helpful for all of us at the time.

 

[ferretmom]

Thank you all so much. I realize she can't give me details on their sessions what I asked to speak to her about were the things that I know he isn't telling her or is being untruthful about. Such as his drinking, not taking his meds, the violent fits of anger and his paranoia. I think she needs to know these things to be able to do her job. The first time I attempted to speak to her she had started him on his first antidepressant and he ended up in the ER with chest pains. I wasn't sure if it was the new med or not so I called her office to let her know so she could speak or see his Dr at the hospital. By the way it was the same VA hospital she is at. She called my cell phone and told me to mind my own business, she also told the ER Dr the same thing. When I asked her another time if there was a support group for spouses/partners to help them cope with the situation she became very verbally abusive. I've spoken with other spouses/partners while waiting for my SO and they have experienced the same thing with her. All I want is someone to talk to that will understand what I'm going through and won't judge me or my SO.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Well, personally I think that he should get rid of her, but that will be his decision to make, not yours..... She sounds like she is on a power trip, IMO!!!! If you come here and tell us things that his behavior is bordering on violent, then we will assume that his behavior is, and THAT is just not acceptable. We don't coddle people here, we don't give out sympathy. We call it like is is, and give you advice based on what you write......

 

[ferretmom]

I've been reading about PTSD and a friend of mine is a VA rep in another state, she gives me a lot of good advice but I hate to bother her so much with my problems. Also his medical Dr recommended that he stop watching violent movies, playing shooting video games and cut back on the drinking. I've tried all these things but he won't do it. His mind set is that he'll do what he wants and screw everyone else. I can't help but think that his other Dr is just making everything worse as well as his family. Today he started yelling about how his boss is out to get him and he was going to get him first. I told him that he needed to take a deep breath and try to calm down and talk to me so he goes outside and pulls up my lilac bush to teach me a lesson. I thought about what I've read and told him that he had 2 choices, he could get in the car with me and go to the ER or I could call the police and they could deal with him. Thankfully he choose the ER, right now he is being kept for 72hr observation. Even though it hurt me to see him in that situation I know it's for the best.

 

[ferretmom]

Also when I said that I wanted to talk to people who won't judge us is because several people have told me I should leave him because he does have PTSD. I see his PTSD as the same as any other illness, I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer so why should I leave him because of his PTSD.

 

[FightingLily]

She Cat is right... I have to question why your reports of what is going on (or not going on) at home is being ignored. IF he isn't being honest with his DR, then their medical relationship is NOT effective and is probably counterproductive. I can't believe she told you to mind your own business... He IS your business! I say you and those other spouses/partners should make a report to her superior for being verbally abusive as it is "unbecoming of an officer" assuming she is one. Write up a formal complaint based on facts (what SO is being treated for- who is treating-how DR is treating(meds/sessions)- your attempts at reporting behaviors-date of attempts to report-DR's response to report, etc). They will have no choice but to OFFICIALLY hear your concerns (something about formal written complaints in the military gets noticed). And even if her superiors do nothing- written complaints are kept on file with no expiration.

Your SO is your business- if you expect to see any change whatsoever- you have to make sure he is getting effective and adequate treatment. Good luck! And welcome!
FL

 

[Deleted member 541]

I'm glad that you gave him the ultimatum, and even happier that he decided on the hospital. It's a good place for him to be, and a good place for him to start......No one here asked you to leave him, and I don't think anyone would, UNLESS he became violent, was abusing you, verbally or physically. There is NO EXCUSE for that behavior, PTSD included. Not acceptable behavior period.......If it got to that point, YES, we would encourage you to get out of the relationship, protect yourself first, and foremost, and let him deal with the aftermath, when you move on with your life....

I am a PTSD sufferer, I did all of the things that your boyfriend is doing now......I now have to face the damage I left in the wake because of my behavior......I was only diagnosed about 15-16 years ago, but have had PTSD for most of my life....In those 15 or so years, I have worked my butt off, to get better, and to try and right the wrongs I have done. Today, I know better.......PTSD is not an excuse for bad behavior. He needs to work on himself, and his trauma, and get a hold of his emotions. Not have his emotions have a hold on him.....

Myself and others here will agree....PTSD is not an excuse to be physically, or verbally abusive. He needs to OWN his behavior, and be more reponsible in his recovery.. You can be there for moral and emotional support, but HE has to do the work to get better. If he isn't being honest with his therapist, you can't force him.....

 

[ferretmom]

He has other problems on top of the PTSD which if left untreated can be dangerous. His original Dr was a very nice woman who asked me to keep a journal of his daily activities, moods, pretty much what he did during the day and give it to her each month to read so she could go over it with him. This woman could care less about his physical health or his mental health. I have called her on some of her unprofessional behavior especially over meds she prescribes him. She has prescribed several that interact with his blood pressure, heart, seizure meds and I won't give them to him because of the risk. I have heard him tell her as he goes in her office that he isn't sleeping when he is sleeping 10 to 14 hrs a day and she prescribes him sleep meds. She was never in the military and openly despises the military.

 

[catjudo]

I am so proud of you for giving him the ultimatum and following through with it. I know from personal experience that it is a very difficult ultimatum to give to someone you love. I'm glad that he chose to go to the hospital. On a 72 hour hold surely they will be able to observe first hand some of the types of symptoms that you've been trying to make his doctor aware of. At that point they can't continue to ignore the symptoms and surely they'll start to address it in his treatment plan.

No one here would ever suggest that you leave him JUST because he has PTSD. However, if he is violent or abusive to you we would tell you that PTSD is not an excuse for being abusive and that you need to walk away to save yourself from an abusive relationship. Hopefully he will start to get the help that he needs now that he's hospitalized and things will start to look up for both of you. Good luck.