Well, hello everyone. First of all forgive me if I have grammatical mistakes, because honestly English is not my first language, so is not perfect.
My name is Denisse, I'm a fifteen years old girl and I decided to sign up in this site because I don't think my family can understand me or what I'm going trough, so I thought that people who are or were in similar situations might be able to understand what I'm saying a little better.
My mother's name is Angela, for starters she didn't had a good relationship with her mother (my grandmother), because she said that her mother left her as a baby and then created a new family without caring for her. She was raised by her grandmother (my grand-grandmother, I think) who lives in another department. The thing is that when she was older (17-18 maybe, I'm not sure) she came to the capital to study and she was living with her uncle, her uncle was already married and with a little kid, but she was accepted in the little home anyways.
Now, the family of the wife becomes important, the wife was raised as one of nine siblings, some of then with families and some of them still living with their mother. The house of the uncle's wife and the house of his mother in law were next to each other (yeah, they were neighbors). Here I'll skip a few details, not for lack of information but for lack of a good mood (right now I'm kind of depressed).
But the outcome was that Angela was pregnant at eighteen, the father? One of her aunt's brothers. So, yeah, my mother's uncle is also my uncle because he is married to my father's sister, kind of confusing at first. But I need to be clear here, the baby was me of course, so everything I know is because of uncles and aunts, and I know pretty well that everybody has their own version of the same story. Even then I can assure that if something happened between my father and my mother, it was consensual, why? because I know them pretty well after.....a lot of things. So there was no rape or anything like that, but maybe another important detail is that my father is a lot older that my mother, no specifics here, just saying the age difference is more than ten years.
I'll skip a lot here again, details, situations and bla bla bla, because this seems more like a soap opera by now (I'ts too long, but I need to let it go). I'll continue this at the time when I was five years old, from now on these are my memories and not something told by others.
When I was five years old I learned a lot of things, not all of them were good, but all of them were necessary. My parents were now living in their own house, my father worked all day and my mother stayed at home. I skipped a grade (because it seems I like to skip and skip) because of good marks and started primary school, at five years old, that was the beginning of my hell.
I don't know how the educational systems is in other countries, but in my country the perfect score is twenty and you need at least an eleven to not fail the subject. Being a smart kid I used to have a lot of twenty's, but being a kid I also have one or two mistakes in my exams, every now and then, my lowest grade was eighteen, two points lower than the perfect twenty and every other parent would still be happy with that good mark, too bad my mother wasn't one of them.
Here another skip, to sum up I was beaten like hell every time I 'failed' (meaning, not to achieve the perfect score), I was physically and psychologically abused by my mother, and my father, who stupidly loved her, never say a thing about it. I tried to kill myself a few times when I was a kid, of course being the shy, quiet person I was, my attempts were know by nobody, not my family neither my friends. By that time I had a little brother and to be honest I hated him, I don't do it anymore, but that was because the situation changed.
The thing is, after being beaten by my 'mother' since I have memory till eleven-twelve years old, after I tried to kill myself, after almost being killed by her several times, after hating the world and every living being, I was free from her.
When I was starting secondary school when she left, her excuse was 'I want to study and be a professional, I'll study at xxxxx place' nobody believed her, I think not even my father, but he let her go to 'study' anyway, we were in the capital, the best place to study in the country but she traveled to a province, a place with a lower level of education, her lie was quite obvious.
She left with my little brother, after one thing and another my brother came back to the capital two years ago, I have a half-sister that is one and something years old, my idiotic father is still legally married to her, my brother and I are both too screwed up that we need a psychologist and after one visit of her at the beginning of the year I went back to my old self of 'I hate the world'. I though I was making progress after she left and everything was going well, but now the stupid b*tch is trying to return and she think that saying " I'm sorry " is enough to go back to being what, my personal hell, no thanks, I did everything in my power to avoid that my father could fall in her trap again, thankfully I managed to make my father promise me that he would not allow her to visit us again, at least not when I was there.
Now I think I'm worse than before she showed up again, she stayed with us for a week (her plan was a month, but I destroyed it) and that was the worst week of my life since I was freed from her. I'm angry,
depressed, I suddenly have changes of mood or I just woke up with the desire of broke things, I think I'm still psychologically affected by her and I still freeze when someone raise their voice or makes a gesture of violence, the fear is inside me, I know that, but what makes more angry is that this is screwing me up again.
It's like just when I'm out of the abyss I fall again and deeper this time. I'm sorry for my long long wrinting but I just woke up this morning wanting to cry and I needed to share this with someone, even if I don't know with who.
Thanks for taking your time reading this.
My name is Denisse, I'm a fifteen years old girl and I decided to sign up in this site because I don't think my family can understand me or what I'm going trough, so I thought that people who are or were in similar situations might be able to understand what I'm saying a little better.
My mother's name is Angela, for starters she didn't had a good relationship with her mother (my grandmother), because she said that her mother left her as a baby and then created a new family without caring for her. She was raised by her grandmother (my grand-grandmother, I think) who lives in another department. The thing is that when she was older (17-18 maybe, I'm not sure) she came to the capital to study and she was living with her uncle, her uncle was already married and with a little kid, but she was accepted in the little home anyways.
Now, the family of the wife becomes important, the wife was raised as one of nine siblings, some of then with families and some of them still living with their mother. The house of the uncle's wife and the house of his mother in law were next to each other (yeah, they were neighbors). Here I'll skip a few details, not for lack of information but for lack of a good mood (right now I'm kind of depressed).
But the outcome was that Angela was pregnant at eighteen, the father? One of her aunt's brothers. So, yeah, my mother's uncle is also my uncle because he is married to my father's sister, kind of confusing at first. But I need to be clear here, the baby was me of course, so everything I know is because of uncles and aunts, and I know pretty well that everybody has their own version of the same story. Even then I can assure that if something happened between my father and my mother, it was consensual, why? because I know them pretty well after.....a lot of things. So there was no rape or anything like that, but maybe another important detail is that my father is a lot older that my mother, no specifics here, just saying the age difference is more than ten years.
I'll skip a lot here again, details, situations and bla bla bla, because this seems more like a soap opera by now (I'ts too long, but I need to let it go). I'll continue this at the time when I was five years old, from now on these are my memories and not something told by others.
When I was five years old I learned a lot of things, not all of them were good, but all of them were necessary. My parents were now living in their own house, my father worked all day and my mother stayed at home. I skipped a grade (because it seems I like to skip and skip) because of good marks and started primary school, at five years old, that was the beginning of my hell.
I don't know how the educational systems is in other countries, but in my country the perfect score is twenty and you need at least an eleven to not fail the subject. Being a smart kid I used to have a lot of twenty's, but being a kid I also have one or two mistakes in my exams, every now and then, my lowest grade was eighteen, two points lower than the perfect twenty and every other parent would still be happy with that good mark, too bad my mother wasn't one of them.
Here another skip, to sum up I was beaten like hell every time I 'failed' (meaning, not to achieve the perfect score), I was physically and psychologically abused by my mother, and my father, who stupidly loved her, never say a thing about it. I tried to kill myself a few times when I was a kid, of course being the shy, quiet person I was, my attempts were know by nobody, not my family neither my friends. By that time I had a little brother and to be honest I hated him, I don't do it anymore, but that was because the situation changed.
The thing is, after being beaten by my 'mother' since I have memory till eleven-twelve years old, after I tried to kill myself, after almost being killed by her several times, after hating the world and every living being, I was free from her.
When I was starting secondary school when she left, her excuse was 'I want to study and be a professional, I'll study at xxxxx place' nobody believed her, I think not even my father, but he let her go to 'study' anyway, we were in the capital, the best place to study in the country but she traveled to a province, a place with a lower level of education, her lie was quite obvious.
She left with my little brother, after one thing and another my brother came back to the capital two years ago, I have a half-sister that is one and something years old, my idiotic father is still legally married to her, my brother and I are both too screwed up that we need a psychologist and after one visit of her at the beginning of the year I went back to my old self of 'I hate the world'. I though I was making progress after she left and everything was going well, but now the stupid b*tch is trying to return and she think that saying " I'm sorry " is enough to go back to being what, my personal hell, no thanks, I did everything in my power to avoid that my father could fall in her trap again, thankfully I managed to make my father promise me that he would not allow her to visit us again, at least not when I was there.
Now I think I'm worse than before she showed up again, she stayed with us for a week (her plan was a month, but I destroyed it) and that was the worst week of my life since I was freed from her. I'm angry,
depressed, I suddenly have changes of mood or I just woke up with the desire of broke things, I think I'm still psychologically affected by her and I still freeze when someone raise their voice or makes a gesture of violence, the fear is inside me, I know that, but what makes more angry is that this is screwing me up again.
It's like just when I'm out of the abyss I fall again and deeper this time. I'm sorry for my long long wrinting but I just woke up this morning wanting to cry and I needed to share this with someone, even if I don't know with who.
Thanks for taking your time reading this.
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