Relationship Help! I Don't Know How To Deal With Being Shut Out.

[Bunn]

My boyfriend is a retired police officer and he has PTSD from two separate incidents that occured in the line of duty. We have been together for 8 months and everything has been really good.....until 2 days ago when he suddenly shut me out. Texted me that he was " dealing with some issues " and " didnt want to talk." I thought I knew a fair amount about PTSD but I only learned about the " shutting out" today when I started researching PTSD on the Net, to try to cope. I'm trying to be patient, supportive, and understanding, but mostly right now I'm brokenhearted and scared. Any info, advice, etc would be much appreciated.

 

[Enaila]

I know with the recent tragedies regarding police officers, particularly the one in Texas, that I have had some stressful police related memories triggered and my nightmares about the traumas has increased.. It must be difficult for an officer with PTSD to handle flashbacks or triggers. Each person experiences PTSD in their own way. I'd he recently retired? Does he see a therapist? It can be really difficult to explain, or even recognize feelings, to put into words for someone who does not have PTSD what is going on.

My supporters and I have an agreement that if I am asked a question directly, I must give an answer even if it is I don't want to talk right now. They give me space, but do text once our twice a day to check on me. Pushing for responses used to be met with me pushing back.

Check out some of the information for supporters on this site. There it's one forum I found quite useful and shared it with my supporting person, but I can't remember the post off hand. If I find it, I will let you know.

 

[EveHarrington]

Everything will be fine. He just needs some breathing room right now to work on himself. No worries. :hug:

 

[Friday]

A lot, if not most, sufferers isolate when overwhelmed. Either deliberately, as a tool (before things get too bad), or just naturally in response (once the limit has been reached or crossed and it's meltdown time).

Try considering it like having a migraine, for needing a few hours of elsewhere, or the stomach flu for a few days. Having both PTSD & having gotten sick? I compare the two an awful lot. Just like getting sick? Sometimes you can feel it coming on, and sometimes you're just fine at 2pm and laid out by 3pm. Ditto, sometimes you can suck it up and press on even though you feel bloody miserable, at least to work, or maaaaybe if you sleep all day, you might be able to keep an obligation that evening, or might could spend some time growls and mumbling at your mom/spouse/best friend but could never hold it together for your boss, or a store clerk (and sometimes the reverse)... and other times? There is simply no way. Same token, if caught early? A day of rest can mean you pull out just fine when first fighting it off or first getting better, but a day of overdoing can mean weeks of ugh, or relapsing and getting sick all over.

And just like getting sick? It is no reflection whatsoever on how you feel about your partner, job, or anyone else in your life. You're just sick. And need to take a few days to recover. What that looks like? Depends on how hard you were hit, and how well you take care of yourself vs overdoing it.

 

[Enaila]

Don't take it personally. Remind him you are th

A lot, if not most, sufferers isolate when overwhelmed. Either deliberately, as a tool (before thin...

I love this analogy and it is SO true!

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

About the only thing you can do is wait until the storm in his mind settles. He will come around.

 

[Bunn]

I thought I knew quite a lot about PTSD ( I have a degree in psychology, I worked in the medical field for 30+ years, and have several other sources of experience), however--I had not known that "isolating" was pretty much a classic symptom or behavior trait of many PTSD sufferers. So when I started reading some of the posts on this site, I did feel a little less frightened/sad, because for one thing I learned that I am not alone as a significant other who is being "shut out" by a PTSD sufferer.
The truth is that the supporters/carers of PTSD sufferers are also suffering emotional pain--not the same as PTSD patients---but suffering nonetheless.
Right now I am 3 days into the first episode that I have experienced with my boyfriend of being "shut out," and it HURTS. HURTS HURTS HURTS. I miss him very much. And I have no clue as to how long this particular interval will continue.
It is taking considerable energy and effort for me to stay occupied, to keep on my exercise regimen, to make plans with my friends so that I do not become socially isolated also I am having to force myself to not call or text him.
. I am also heartbroken at the thought of my boyfriend's pain in the aftermath of his trauma---I try to imagine how he is coping, what he is doing with his time, etc., which is probably a big waste of MY time/energy, since it is literally all speculation on my part.

Thank you to the people who have replied to my request for help.
Any additional comments and/or information are welcome.

 

[Bunn]

About the only thing you can do is wait until the storm in his mind settles. He will come arou...

Thanks. I wish I could believe that. I am losing hope. I think I am losing him or I have already lost him because he has decided for whatever reason(s) not to have me in his life any more. We went from texting/calling each other every day, spending days and nights together, and traveling....to absolute nothing literally overnight.
The last time we talked (very briefly, 3 days ago), I told him that I'm here for him and that I care...I didn't know what else to say,
It didn't matter. He has totally shut me out.
I am heartbroken.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, three days isn't that long if he is stressed.

All you can do at this point in time is decide how long you are willing to go with no contact before you decide it's not acceptable for a romantic relationship. Find your boundary.

My vet is an isolator. He'll go off the radar for a few days when he needs some alone time to reset. It has nothing to do with me, or him not wanting to see me. It's about him needing some time with no outside stressors to cope. Even good stress (i.e. a relationship) is stress.

With that being said, I have my limits. If he went more than a few weeks or a month or so with no contact, I'd assume he was dumping me. I wouldn't sit around and wait after that. I'd start to grieve the relationship and move on with my life.

Everybody is different. Some supporters will wait months and months. Some not at all. It's all individual.